Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? 5 weeks remain til next chapter starts

Hi ITH,

Bighands took the words out of my mouth. Your H keeps talking about how he does not want to be dependent on you yet he is making this your problem. Would it be a 180 if you told him you were sure that he could figure it out? Just some ideas to consider.

I completly agree that if you just moved back in it would solve all of the money problems (The logical answer that I want to scream at my H too!!!) but I think it has alot to do with their DAM ego. They still want us to help out with some things yet they can do it all on their own. Grrrrr.

Hang in there ITH!!

P.S. I love Jody's idea about just moving back in!!

Thanks BH and S,

You are both absolutely right. I guess I do feel guilty as I did push a lot of trips. I do set the budget, but always ask for his input and ask him to change things he doesn't like. He had asked me to set the budget originally as he said he didn't have time with work and school and he felt that I didn't care about how busy he was. On my side I like this connectivity that we have on finances, as it is all that we have at the moment that he can handle. It's not pressuring (unless I talk about several months out), and we've never fought about finances. This is the closest we've ever had to a fight about money, and it was only via IM and diffused pretty quickly.

Anyway he IMd again while I was in a 2 hour meeting, a much nicer message just saying how he got the car battery fixed, and that he still hadn't heard on tuition, BUT he ended it, "ok going now,
hope you are doing well and all." Small things yes, but nice that he added that he hopes I am doing well. One of my goals for the month was for him to start being nice to me in emails and IMs, not that he was ever mean, just so short. This is improving.

I responded even though he was offline (no reference to the budget) just "ok thanks, dumb finances! Glad the battery is fixed, that rocks! You'll hear back on tuition soon, I'm sure. Enjoy your classes tonight. I can't wait to hear more about what you're taking." My goal here is to keep EVERYTHING light and happy. I still do look forward to the moment he finds out I was right about the tuition though, that he actually doesn't owe anything for last year. I will know this when he just doesn't bring it up again...:)

S, I love Jody's idea too, even though it scares me. I never would have thought of it on my own! I can just see the look on his face. He will not know what to do or say. I hope that she is right and that if I choose to say nothing, he will choose to say nothing. I don't think this is unhealthy if the R dynamic is actually better than it used to be...if I actually SHOW changes rather than having a conversation where we talk about the need for changes, and if I actually maintain a semi-separate existence rather than waiting for him to ask for more time apart. Maybe he'll finally be able to put the self-help books on the shelf and just start seeing how things go.

Thanks to you both for your great posts and for reading my endless threads...

ITH

Showing is what it's all about. They'll only believe what they see.

Thanks BH,

I totally agree. I just need the chance to show it like crazy! For what's it worth though H DID say on our 1st joint session that he thinks I've "come a long way", and has recently said that I am being really good about giving time and space. Hopefully these things alone will be enough to prevent him from freaking out and leaving when I just return home one night :).

Then I can build on the lack of momentum by just staying calm, quiet and unavailable, except for sex of course...planning too far into the future maybe, but I need to build this strength up. I think in some ways the next chapter may be the hardest!

ITH

I HATE getting these emails that basically make it sound like there is no hope. Please help, what do I do??? How do I answer???

Hi

I paid 1k from the current already. We will see how it goes. I am
working from home lots so saving a bunch on lunches. I am just not going out much also.

Thank you for being supportive. I know I am angry, but it is at both of us, not you. I know it will get resolved and it is fine.

I miss things about us being together. But i need to continue to be alone, I really need it. I know this is hard for you and I am sorry for that. I feel guilty about it all the time. At least you have now lived in 3 countries like me which is cool. I also like that you are serious about Judaism. Do not convert for me. Do it because it makes you happy how it makes me happy, because it enhances your life. Anyway, I will try to write more often. I will give you a new painting when you come again.

ITH

Don't reply yet... get input from the people here.

IMO I don't think it is negative, he is feeling guilt but also apprciating that you are giving him space. He is also letting you know where he is at which is good, although I know it is not where you want him to be. This is going to take time.

What were you thinking as a response? Which I think should wait at least until morning to show you have thought about it.

AFFIRM!!! Do not contradict anything he said. You understand completly.

Let him know that should you change over to Judisiam it is for you.

You look forward to the next painting as you enjoy the one you have so much.....

As negative as you may view this email there are still alot of positive things in there. He is talking about the R on his own with out you pursing and admitting that he does miss you. Major pluses. Stay cool relax and make your email sound cheerful and upbeat not sad at all.

Ugh,

And he started IMing me right away too, but just about his class and such.

The thing is that I am just planning on moving back in like Jody suggested. I am not convinced that he has any idea about what it would actually be like to be around me now that things have changed. I am going to have to ask Jody now what I should do. I REALLY wish he hadn't sent this email. I hate these emails, and I had a feeling one was coming...Does it sound at all though like he is offering any hope? To me it sounds like he is saying it's over.

ITH

Thanks S,

Do you think it sounds like he is saying it is over? I am freaking out here.

ITH

And now he's incessantly chatting with me on IM about random things like all is well.

ITH