Oh Donna, I'm so sorry. Plain and simple, it hurts. I think it hurts us so much because WE didn't choose this, WE didn't want this. I just heard my ex is getting remarried sometime this month (guess it could have already happened)...to one of his former employees here (he moved out of state to start a new job and I was to follow only that's when he decided he wanted to be single). So, now, as they say, there is more to the story.... Now I know that he is an even bigger liar than I thought and now I wonder what part of my 16+ year marriage was real? Your ex has moved on and although it may seem like common courtesy to us for them to at least communicate these kinds of decisions to us, in their minds, they see no need. Here comes that narcissist thing again.... Just know thoughts and prayers are with you. Megan
I knew I could count on my friends here; thank you all so very much.
It seems like, as soon as I get a pretty solid footing under me, whoop! there goes that damn rug again!!
I am starting to feel better. I cried a bit last night (who am I kidding, I cried a LOT). But the Lunesta and xanax kicked in and I was able to sleep straight through with no crazy dreams (I think you can even see it in my last post last night!)
I know that there is nothing I can do about this turn of events. I just hadn't let go as much as I thought I did.
I think the thing that is making me so upset about it, is the kids. My two will now be around her 4 on a regular basis, and the oldest is a real mess--promiscuous, piercings all over, history of cutting...her Facebook page lists many references to F*ck Divorce! She's 15, and I worry what influence she might have on the kids. Let alone the mother, herself.
My son came home last night, asking if we would change custody, one week here, one week there. Urgh! I said no, it will stay the way it is. The kids miss him, and S wants things to be even, fair. I can't even begin to think about that.
I feel so.......split. When I am more myself, the everyday, awake thoughts, I know that the man who I loved is dead. That is the reality. I can grieve that, but still move on. Then there is the side who, when I see or hear him, when I think about things too long, just goes back to the fantasy, dwelling in the past. It is powerful. There were so many things that were good, and he was so careful to hold in the spiral downward to inside his own head... We didn't argue (had minor disagreements); there was never yelling. He did things for me, said all the right things, touched me, bought me gifts and cards when appropriate, held my hand, said I love you, called to check in, all like there was nothing wrong. Friends and family envied our relationship.
Then the lightswitch was thrown, and my world was shattered.
Even to this day, he tries so very hard to be the exact same person to everyone else he always was, except to me.
I think that if he could have found a way, he would have used an eraser to wipe me out of my life, like some cartoon.
And I am angry at myself for still having these feelings for him.
They're not just moving in together. They are buying a house together.
Wow, good job using your call list and taking care of yourself!
X is a selfish, fearful, petty creep. It really was not fair to the kids for them to be the ones to let you know. How about:
"X, for the kids sake, in the future, please communicate major life changes that affect the kids' lives to me directly so that the kids are not placed in the unfair position of being the ones who have to inform me. They don't need to be in the middle. Email can work great for this. I don't need big explanations or justifications. Just a simple and direct note would make a big difference in terms of taking the kids out of a role they shouldn't be playing. Something like: "Donna, this is just a heads up to let you know that I and GF will be buying a house together and we are taking all the kids househunting this weekend." Thanks! Donna"
As for X, he chose to effectively live with his GF long ago. Now they are simply getting more reasonable housing. This is not something he is doing to you. It isn't about you. Look at it this way, at least a house will be a better environment for the kids than a cramped apartment.
In a few days, it might be worth reconsidering S's request to change the visitation schedule. I totally understand why it is something that you can't look at today. But once you get more level, try to ask yourself and maybe the kids' counselor: What is best for the kids? I really have no idea, but there must be some research on it. For me, I imagine that fewer switches would be better.
My son came home last night, asking if we would change custody, one week here, one week there. Urgh! I said no, it will stay the way it is. The kids miss him, and S wants things to be even, fair. I can't even begin to think about that.
Do you think this was your son's idea or was it planted by the X?
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Thanks, ot. Yeah, the voice of reason and clarity is coming back. I remember not too long ago when this would have put me into such a literal crazed state that I would have reacted right away. Now, while there was an impulse to rush over there last night and beg, but I knew that was irrational and would be a useless, self-harming exercise.
So I sat and took it. I cried, and knew that there was nothing I could do about it but feel it and let it go through me. I hate feeling helpless.
I don't know what the timetable will be on this. S is guessing it could happen within a week (but he is only 13....D9 said there was a cute kitten there--could there be a family who would have to move out?).
It will be better for the kids to have their own space while they are visiting their father. And she won't be in my face all of the time, living across the street from me. At least I can take comfort in the fact that my kids are pretty self-sufficient. gf won't be giving my D9 baths. I still hate that they have to be in her presence, but that is more about me than about them. My kids are so great, I don't want her to have the privledge of being with them, if that makes sense. But I'll be better able to get a handle on their bedrooms - half the toys can go over there.
I will look at the schedule again, but not for a while. I have read some of the studies, and moving back and forth week to week is actually pretty difficult on the kids (in general). Like a businessman who lives out of his suitcase, they loose a sense of home to some extent. The kids' IC wants another session with S13, anyway, so I can email her about it. Suzy, I don't know where it came from, but it could very well have been S. He really wants to be fair.
I spoke with S a little yesterday. He had said that he wanted to write his dad a letter about everything (last week) he was feeling. I asked him last night what he wanted to say. He said he wanted to tell him that I was having a really hard time dealing with this, that x should be home. I asked him if that was more for me, or for him. He said his dad will always be his dad; it was more out of concern for me. Ugh. I said not to worry about it; I am a big girl and will be just fine.
So, even my children have accepted this whole mess before I have, completely. And I have to do a better job at showing them that I will be ok, that I am strong enough to go on and have, make, a wonderful life.
I am so stupid. x told me that he had no intentions of getting married again (threatened me with it when I wanted the clause of no overnight guests). Maybe he will, maybe he won't marry her. And S had said that up until now, gf has been acting as just a neighbor-- no open displays of affection. He said that his father had been respectful of that. I guess that all goes out the window. It was all just my own mental gymnastics.
I have to go beyond the No Expectations, right to the Expectations that he will be a Selfish Pri!ck.
The other good / sad news is that her messed-up girls will probably benefit from living with x.....he was always a good parent. As long as she learns to help him keep his quick temper in check.
But, hey, with all that: I got my kids tucked into bed last night. I used my list of contacts to finish dealing with the swirling in my head until I was sleepy enough to go to sleep without tossing and ruminating. I got up for work today, on time. We all got off to where we needed to be on time. My hyper student teacher got me right into the work at hand. I'll call my bff from college after school. The weather is beautiful. S has scouts tonight, so D and I can have a girls' night. Tomorrow will be another day
Oh, and ot, I like the idea of the email. I'm going to let it percolate in my head and go over it with my IC on Wednesday, but I think I might send it verbatim.
Funny thing, him doing this, when a huge complaint he had with me last Tuesday was co-parenting, that I wasn't sharing info with him (like school notices, which I did send).
I guess the moving was inevitable but still another blow. Yes, I will be better for the kids, but even knowing that doesn't make it sting any less. Don't feel badly about your son questioning visitation. I'm sure he's torn and I would bet that it's hard knowing that his Dad is living 24/7 with someone else's kids. He's young but believe me he WILL figure this all out for himself. As he gets older he will probably resent his Dad for the choices he's made.
You're doing great and you'll make your own memories with the kids. Heck, you've already started. As far as ex and the way he treats you, well that's his junk not yours. He's got lots of problems and you happen to have been the one he was able to blame them on, but you know in your heart that it wasn't you.
Tears are good. They make you feel and deal with what is. With every tear there is growth.
But I'll be better able to get a handle on their bedrooms - half the toys can go over there.
Oh, yeah, I think theres always a silver lining. And that's brilliant: I think you should be sure to send over any loud toys like musical stuff, messy stuff (playdough, paints, etc.) That could be fun!!! Karen
Donna said: He said his dad will always be his dad; it was more out of concern for me. Ugh. I said not to worry about it; I am a big girl and will be just fine.
So, even my children have accepted this whole mess before I have, completely. And I have to do a better job at showing them that I will be ok, that I am strong enough to go on and have, make, a wonderful life.
This is all good for you to realize. Your kids need to know that you're the strong one and will be there for them no matter what. It was sweet of your son to want to write the letter. He wants to take care of his mom. You've got great kids, Donnna.
