Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives HELP x ripped out another rug -

Thank you, Kimmie. As pitch as possible.

I have to forward and send emails about the kids, that's all. I am treating it like a newsletter to a PTO parent. Just the facts.

My D has Open House tonight. I'm not going (S went to same school, and it is just to hear about expectations in general, etc.), and I have to go to AlAnon within a 1/2 hour of it starting.

D called her dad and he knew about it; he's going. Makes me want to puke that he will most likely go with her; they are going to be a regular Brady Bunch, a family with 6 kids. And my kids will like going over there, since it is more like an "intact" family.

X had been the one who went for the vasectomy; he didn't want any more kids, wanted to be young enough to enjoy retirement and grandparent. My youngest is 9; he just took on a 5 and 6 year old, in addition to another 9 and a 15.

My friend told me yesterday that good, let them move in together, live the reality. So far, they have been in fantasy land, sneaking around, "dating." I just don't see him backing off of this, though. Ever. She pointed out that those children are a nightmare. I know; but he is a good parent, and will quickly get them to a better place.

OT is right; the outcome of my life can't be contingent on him anymore.

Do you know that even after all the things he said to me last night, he has told bff that he wishes that it was different, that we could be friendly at least to co-parent? That it could have been different if I had been different. I guess he means completely accepting of all of it. Friendly? How?

I wish I had been stronger over the last year. I know that my actions have sealed the fate of my relationship with this man I so loved. If I had only been as strong as you, Nikki, or Sally.

I need to go to a meeting.

Of course he's nicer, more civil, more reasonable to your bff than to you. He doesn't have to make her into a monster to justify his own behavior. It's just part of the script. Remember to believe nothing of what you hear from him and only about half of what you see.

Hope your meeting goes well and you get the support you need. Your actions haven't sealed anything--I don't hear no fat ladies singing!

Oh Donna - let me send you some hugs.





Oh but sweety you are numb.

You do need to take control of your heart. It's so hard to do. But you have to do that for you. You're worth more and you will not accept anything less. Remember that. Do not go after him. Do not make him justify his actions. Let it go and give yourself the pleasure of getting on. It's really good if you will let that be.

Love your kids and most importantly love yourself Donna. He will do what he wants. So you go do what you want. When you take him out of the equation, you will find that there are things YOU want to do. So go do them insteand of worrying about him.

I'm thinking about you sweetie and hope you are well today.

Wow, he is a piece of work. I guess him having an affair, walking out on you, and saying all of those horrible things to you have nothing to do with the way things are now?! Your X is like mine, so personal responsibility. They can't see that their actions also effected the relationship. Nope, it is always our fault, they did nothing wrong.

I thought about something at AlAnon tonight.

I believe him. I think there is something really wrong with me.

My mother never really liked me very much. It didn't matter how hard I tried.

My sister doesn't like me. I half raised her.

And now, the man who I love, who I vowed to be with, doesn't like me. Even after all these years, and two children--he had to get away from me at all costs, even if it meant loosing everything he had every valued. In fact, he hates me.

Nothing else makes sense in all of this. You all have been so kind, so supportive...but can you really know someone in cyberspace? I mean, no one on the planet knows me as well and as deeply as he does - and he doesn't want it; he has judged me as not good enough.

I tried so hard. And it didn't matter. He doesn't love me anymore, and it is my fault, the way that I treated him and made him feel. And I was too stupid or co-dependent or whatever you want to label it, for me to see it, to hear him, to do that to him in the first place. He never would have left if he had been happy in our marriage, if I had made him feel loved, respected and appreciated.

The people in my life who I have loved most, who have known me best, have all agreed that I am not a good person. Three strikes. How do you argue against that? And no matter what I did to try to become a better person, x still said that I am exactly the same person underneath it all; selfish, always putting myself first.

My children love me now, because you have to love your mother. It is survival. Unconditional love. I wonder how they will see me as they grow up. I can hazard a guess...

I don't expect many of you to understand this. But I have to accept it. And I'm not sure what I have the ability to change about myself. I might not be able to do much - it is near impossible to change personality.

This was tonight's email from him:

Donna

that is your self-esteem talking
and
sweetie
it is low

i know because mine used to be so low that it was ridiculous

i have friends that said it hurt them to be around me because i had such a low self-esteem and was in so much pain always

i too thought my mother hated me
(she disowned me for awhile and we have always had a volatile relationship until recently)
i felt like i was a beacon of miserableness

and

partly it was true

i needed to love me more than i loved anyone else

i needed to understand that sometimes just because I wanted someone to love me in a certain way, it didn't make the way they could love me wrong

like my mom
she couldn't love me like Mrs Cosby or even Roseanne
but
she could love me in the only way she knows how

once i figured that out it made it a better relationship
and
once i loved myself best of all
i became truer to who i really am

you have to love yourself sweetie
better than you love anyone

it is the only way to survive

i made tiny lists of things i was grateful for
like
i slept 4 hours today
i made supper for the kids
i taught a class and was really there for the kids for at least one hour

Oh, puh-lease! I do think that none of us here is a perfect person. Yeah, and we didn't just stop loving the person or find an OP or whatever. I felt like that too for a while, but my H is seriously messed up and yours too. I think he will find that life with the new family is not going to be the dream he thinks.

I have really examined myself and found my faults: needy, dependent, low self-confidence, etc. and really worked on them the past year. But H is still intent on D and moving in with OW. I think they just have to come up with an excuse to justify the unjustifiable: If W didn'd do X, Y, or Z then I wouldn't have left.

I mean when someone's abusive they always blame the victim "you made me do it" but it's just crap. I don't think there's anything wrong with looking at yourself and making changes, but nobody's perfect and you should be able to be a flawed human like all of us and not have that happen. And your mom and sister sound like they have "issues" and that's about them not you also.

Karen

Donna,
I agree with Figgie.

The friend you wrote to didn't say bad things about you. She does still want to be your friend.

Be kinder to yourself. Find one good thing a day to accomplish and feel great about it.

Remember, one step at a time.

(((Donna)))

Donna, I don't know you in person, but you seem really very likeable and loveable to me. He married you. Children don't have to love their mothers. A couple of my daughters friends throughout the years really hate their mothers.

You CAN effect real change in yourself if it's warranted.

It's really hard to look into yourself. It doesn't always feel good. Be nice to yourself. You are worth being good to. You are here for a reason and you make a difference to the people around you. Look at the people here who care about you.