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I really am at a point that I wish I could be done with H. I want to give up on him and move forward and just be. But I still love and care for him so deeply and worry about his health, and about how his behavior and actions affect our children. I asked my C for help. She said I'm grieving...............need to give it time and learn about how to deal with the loss. I asked if I should file for D, to help me move forward and she told me she didn't think I was ready and/or needed to do that now. I don't know. I am just sure that I need to give up on him.

I read a post from NAEJ that said she wished she had been able to do it 4 years before she did---regretted giving her H 4 more years of her life. I know that as strongly as I feel about wanting my M and family back, my H feels just as strong that it's over and/or he doesn't feel anything at all.

I don't know if it's alcohol, or the cloudiness of MLC, but he just doesn't make sense half the time. Last night he dropped D11 and S9 at the house and said that D15's boyfriend's dad would be dropping her off after they had dinner. He stood at the door to leave and said, I think D15 is home. He looked outside and then closed the door. Called the dog, asked her to go out and check, and then closed the door. He stood there awhile and finally shrugged his shoulders and left. I waited for a while, thinking D awould be coming in, but finally went outside to find no one there. I was confused. I called H and asked if he knew were D was, and was confused because I thought he said she was there. He denied it. Said no, she was never there...............that he knew he was being confusing. Said D should be home around 9. I waited and waited for D, I tried to call her, no answer. She finally came home at 9:30 and said she was sorry she was late----that boyfriend's dad was trying to pack for a trip and was running behind. I said, why didn't you call to ask me to come get you? She said that dad said she needed to get a ride home.....................There were other incongruencies over the weekend, but this one sticks out.

He is not the man I married. He is not the man I've known and loved for 28 years. I truly believes he needs help, but won't get it. I'm almost at the point that I feel I need to ask his friends to help him. I know I can't. I may not ever have him back, but he's going to self destruct. His behaviour is destructive and I'm worried. I need him to get help so he can be there for our children. Together or apart, they need us both.

Somehow, or for some reason, my H has virtually cut off all contact with me. Hugged me goodbye last monday and tuesday and then has pulled all the way back into his hole. I know it's my fault for pushing him, but I thought the hugs were progress. I didn't write or say anything after that last e-mail over a week ago--the e-mail that led to the hugs. I just still have so much trouble with dealing with the man that has owned my heart for 28 years treating me like a stranger. I've re-read some of his e-mails. I've tried to understand and have tried to understand why he can't see the role the OW has in all of this, especially his view of our past.

I know I need to stop trying to understand. It is unproductive and I may never understand. I keep thinking the pain will subside and I can move on, but it doesn't. I can't help but believe that this is all so wrong. OUr kids do not deserve this. I can't help but now think that if I was a better person, or had been, that he would not want to give up on us. He would not want this to destroy our family.

As I left his house last night, after dropping D11 there for the night, the sobbing once again began....................

................

Dear H:
I know our past was not perfect. I know that our problems were joint issues. There is no doubt of that. I have not denied it. But, our problems should not have us "here." I know that there is something going on inside you that has made everything much worse than it ever was. I know that there is something inside of you that allowed you to turn to OW. I know that justifying OW has allowed you to destroy any of the good memories that you had of us and our lives together. I hope someday you realize this.

You need to talk to someone. You need to deal with all that is going on inside of you. Is the pain, embarrassment, and difficulty with dealing with all of this really enough to justify not doing anything. Is what is happening to our family really what you want?

Well, another month has passed. I am still stuck. I cannot let go of the past. I cannot stop remembering all of the wonderful things H and I shared in our lives together. I can't stop feeling cheated that the future I thought I would have isn't going to happen. I cannot deal with the fact that the man that I have loved for 28 years of my life and share 3 kids with, can now treat me like a stranger...................

H has pretty much cut off all contact with me. I've tried to approach him about schedules for the holidays, but he won't talk about it, or anything else. I guess I'm going to plan for what I expect, and hope for the best.

I am glad that my kids are not going off the deep end about all of this, but they seem to have no emotion about any of this. They seem to be reacting the way my H wants them to----like this is all no big deal. It leaves me stuck thinking I'm the only one with the problem here, even though I know I'm not.

Why can't I move on??????????

(((di)))

I have been wondering how you are doing. Don't be so hard on yourself. You have spent the majority of your life building a life with your H only to have him single-handedly decide that something isn't working for him. Okay, it takes time to figure out how to accept that...it takes time to figure out that what he is doing now isn't about you even though it feels like the most personal thing that has ever happened to you.

Yes, you need to detach and GAL even though cutting off your right arm would be easier...BUT as painful as it is for you, your H needs his time and space without guilt and pressure. He needs to see you as a source of strength because right now he is weak.

You don't need to move on (I know it feels like you do)...you just need to move forward. I know you have been trying to find ways to make yourself happy...I know it feels like it will never happen but just keep trying and you will eventually get there. Try to find your strength for your children...they need to know that their mom will be okay...they need to see that even if there are difficulties in a R/M, that it can be worked through one way or the other.

Since your H can't talk to you now, just back off and let him come to you. He will. He is just can't handle the guilt and pain right now and even though it is extremely difficult, you have to try to minimize his guilt and pain right now by giving him his time and space and by trying to have a PMA around him. It is hard (I admit I am not good at it) but it will help not only him but you too.

I know you can do this di. Hang in there. You will make it through.

(((HUGS)))

I realized after my last post that I've been here for almost a year. I have learned SO much about myself and the mistakes that I've made. Despite the fact that I still feel stuck when it comes to moving forward without H, and that ALWAYS gets worse when I'm hormonal, I have made some progress.

I have found some things that I like to do----just for me, and I know NOW how important that is. I friend of mine talked me into joining a weight loss center with her, and I am seeing a decrease on the scale. Unfortunately my beinning weight was at an all time high, and I have a ways to go. I feel good about making progress.

I am almost completely off AD's. (I have about a handful left and I'm taking one about every two days to use them up/wean off of them. So, I should feel pretty good that I'm not in bed sobbing all day, every day.

I suck at DB. I've tried and failed so many times. I think I'll get the book out one more time..............................

I have three beautiful children that I am thankful for every day.

BUT...........I resent having to share them with my H when he is so obviously screwed up. I let him set the schedule----he gets them Mon. and Tues. nights AND every other weekend. So, the way the calender works, when he has them Monday and Tuesday, the weekend (but not Sunday night----I requested every Sunday night), and then Monday/Tuesday again there is a 10 day stretch where I get my kids for 3 mights out of 10. It seems so unfair, and I HATE IT!!! At first I thought I could live with it since I was so convinced it would be temoporary, but now that I'm not.............I need to get this changed.

I miss my M. I miss my H. I worry about my H and his health. I KNOW he is abusing alcohol. I don't know for how long...........My C said that alcohol could explain everything. I fluxuate between feelings of anger (about the situation and everything) and extreme sadness (because I KNOW my H has a problem that I can't help with), and desperation (because things seem so out of control).

Upside - thank you once again for the encouragement.

Hi TCBTE, just thought to check in on you.. how are you doing?

Thanks for checking in. I haven't been here in forever. I'm just checking in after I hit an all time low yesterday. I probably have driven the last nail in now----and probably will wish that I had been coming here instead of continuing to screw things up.

I was doing very well with all the GALing and some LRT after he moved out. I went a long time without bringing up the status of the relationship. I just got to the point where I couldn't stand the distance. It seemed that the more distance I gave, the more he wanted and I am still in so much pain. So, I asked him if the affair was continuing. He said, no it was not. I snooped. I found that he is now sharing a cell phone plan with OW and that the bill is being paid through his law office. I confronted him again and said I know that he's been lying to me, I know that he is still seeing her. I also said that I am not done. I do not want to give up, but if he is still with OW, I need to know what all of THIS is.

I did not tell him about my cell phone discovery. He talked a little, it seemed as if he confirmed that she was still in the picture. He told me that he still did not know what he wanted, but knew that it was unfair to me. He told me that he felt very guilty about everything and that a lot of the distance he put between us was because of the guilt he was feeling. I gave him my wedding ring and said I was giving it to him, to help ease the guilt. I broke down and sobbed. He stood by me for awhile, but I left him.

He went out and got take-out for the kids and had dinner with them, while I stayed up in my room. S10 came up and asked if I was going to eat with them, and I just told him maybe later.

I got up this morning and sent an e-mail referring to our "discussion" and how unfair it all was that he was still with her. Again, I did not bring up the cell phone information.

He replied and said I was wrong. He was not still with her. He said that I was right about how he felt about me, that he did not feel anything for me, that he has nothing left for us. He ended by saying that our kids come first and that "no matter how this ends" they will always be first.

I replied to his e-mail. I told him that I thought he had confirmed that his relationship with OW was continuing. I again told him that I would do anything to start over. I told him that I would put my ring back on if he was not ready to give up. He came to get the kids for the evening. He is still wearing his ring, but did not give mine back to me.

I just really don't want to give up. I know he's lying to me. I know that if he's paying her phone bill, that it's not over. It's more than a "fling." I just don't think there is anything left for me to do---and all that I've done has only driven him away further.

I've had such great advice here, and I've screwed it all up. I actually came here tonight wondering if I should try a phone counselling session, or if I have screwed things up too much for it to do any good. I contacted my C and she can't work me in (unless there's a cancellation) until the first week of April.

As for ME.....for the most part, I am doing much better than I was when I came here----despite falling off the DB wagon and feeling like a hopeless basket case right now. I am off all of my AD's. I've lost the weight I put on after he moved out, and am working on the extra I started with. I have found friends to lean on. I have new interests. I'm also subbing at the elementary school again. I guess I just started to get frustrated that I was trying to make myself better and having some success----but not accomplishing what I started out for----saving my marriage. I know that I can survive this. I know I can survive without him----I STILL just don't want to. I wish more than anything that I could make this go away. I wish I could turn off the love that I've had for him for 28 years..........

Hi This Can't Be the End. I haven't written to you before, my name is PM. I feel your pain in your last post so I wanted to offer my support and experience with a DB coach.

My DB coach is Joanne and I have talked with Jodi as well. They are great! It is definitely worth the money. They are great listeners and will tell you things that these boards cannot tell you. Often here you may be conflicting advice but these counsellors are trained and ready, they know how men and women behave because they are so seasoned in DB and other types of MC training.

I feel your desperation, you need guidelines to help you move this M back on its tracks. I know you want to save it rather than 'turn off the love you had for him for 28 years' so don't let a few bucks stop you from doing that, OK? Talk to a DB coach, they will make you feel very comfortable, very welcome. You will get lots of sympathy and they are wise. There is nothing to be frightened of.

I hope I have shed some light on the telephone coaching experience. In case you think I am their advertising agent, my thread is in Infidelity (don't know how to attach a thread sorry) and it's called PM thread #4 so I am a real person. Good luck :-)

Thanks PM - I browsed through your thread, and I see that we feel the same way about our M----which I guess is why all of us are here. I will try the DB coach. I've tried everything else..............