Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Daily Tarot Reading..........

Hey Sep

Like Jen said, post your goals here and we can help you sort things out.

Ok so I went over the chapter in DR about setting goals and as I only have limited interaction with H now via text here are my goals for the month...

1. Let H initiate all contact
2. Do not argue about anything during conversations
3. Validate whatever he says
4. Compliment H when given the opportunity
5. H will contact more often (hopefully because of previous)
6. We will see each other at least every other week

I even wrote down some long term goals for when we get to piecing. (Being extremely positive)

1. We will have date night at least twice a month (Just the two of us not including groups)
2. H will come over for dinner at least once a week
3. H will discuss finances and what each should be putting into the household in order for us to live together.

Lets look at the wording first...lets make them more proactive. How long are these goals set for..1 month? 2 months?

1. I will not contact H so hopefully he'll contact me
2. I will not argue during conversations
3. I will validate
4. I will compliment H
5. We will see each other once a week

How will you achieve these goals?

Good goals Sep. I think Jen is right, it's all in the phrasing. Make them your mantra! Keep repeating them in your brain till they stick or until your head hurts, whichever comes first!

It is hard/frustrating to set goals when you have minimal contact with your H. But you have a good start here and hopefully things will start to move forward and you can build a really good foundation in stage one (friendship) so that you can move forward on solid ground.

Hang in there hun!

Very good points Jen I will change all goals to "I". I am aiming for 2 months for these goals.

I will try to get to these goals by being extremly nice when he does contact and subtly flirting with him and letting him see the woman he fell in love with. I will also not always be available like I have been recently. I will no longer tell him about my financial difficulties either as everytime even though he does ask, afterwards he looks said when I tell him. I will "Act as if" everything is fine and dandy!!!

Thanks Daisy!!!! It is frustrating the only good thing is that he sends random texts every few days. I will have to build more off of these. And the at least once a month ML session I will have to definatly see how I can build from those. I'll offer him beer before & see if he'll open up more!!

Hi S,

OK just looking through your goals, and I'll add a bit, probably in the same vein as what others have already said. I would probably not focus on the piecing ones yet though unless you want to include baby steps that will show you are going in that direction. Of course I hope you get there soon, but it's better for the peace of mind to focus on short-term goals I've found! For example I have a "September goals" tab on an Excel sheet. There are larger goals, broken down into smaller baby-step goals that will show me I'm headed in the right direction. There are a lot that aren't accomplished, but many of them are. On the sheet I also include a column for the steps I will take toward the goal. Then at least when I take those steps, there is a mini-goal achieved. As an example, one of my goals this month was "H will start to be nice to me meaning that he will usually start emails/IMs with phrases like 'how are you'". What I was able to do toward that goal was to also be very nice in each interaction, though not overly so. This goal has been accomplished on both sides.

So looking at yours...

1. Let H initiate all contact--your goal here could simply be, stay dark until H reaches out.

2. Do not argue about anything during conversations--I think this is good, and if you feel this is a major problem, maybe a mini-goal for yourself around it could be, validate anger instead of reacting to it, or something like this

3. Validate whatever he says--this is good again

4. Compliment H when given the opportunity--I like this, are there specific ares in particular you should be focusing on? Can you work them into conversations as they happen?

5. H will contact more often (hopefully because of previous)--so he will contact more often based on the fact that you will let him set the pace of contact and that each contact will be pleasant?

6. We will see each other at least every other week--when do you want this to happen? What can you do toward making it happen? Will being unavailable for awhile make it more likely?

I even wrote down some long term goals for when we get to piecing. (Being extremely positive)

1. We will have date night at least twice a month (Just the two of us not including groups)--what would let you know that you are going in the direction where you would be moving toward date night? Perhaps it's dating in your current R, where you are still separated?

2. H will come over for dinner at least once a week--what could start this trend?

3. H will discuss finances and what each should be putting into the household in order for us to live together.--do you not feel you should be discussing finances at all?

ITH

I will try focusing on his projects. I noticed that last time he came over he was ready to leave kinda in a hurry but I casually brought up a project he was working on and how I read something that made me think of it and got the magazine for him. He lingered, read through the mag and started asking questions and for ideas. I will continue little things like these and throw in
some compliments about how has done on the project so far.



I am hoping that by going dark it will initiate. We do see each now at least once a month. The month of August jumped and I saw him about 4 times. I have not seen him since the end of August now (in Aug he had his mom's car but she is back from vacation now so no transportation)

[quote=istherehope
I even wrote down some long term goals for when we get to piecing. (Being extremely positive)

1. We will have date night at least twice a month (Just the two of us not including groups)--what would let you know that you are going in the direction where you would be moving toward date night? Perhaps it's dating in your current R, where you are still separated?

2. H will come over for dinner at least once a week--what could start this trend?

3. H will discuss finances and what each should be putting into the household in order for us to live together.--do you not feel you should be discussing finances at all?

ITH
[/quote]

The long term goals I will not even initiate until some more of the short terms goals are met. I am not trying to jump the gun and am too scared now that I will backslid if I attempt now. They were just somethings that I hope to achieve before the end of the year and I guess some positive wishful thinking.

I thank you guys so much for all the input. It is making me feel more & more assured that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel.

There is always a light! Keep us posted!