Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Still Supportive but very distant

Detachment is great, this is the first time I have started a new post without some long journaling post, but really I have nothing.

for the last three weeks we have been on about 4 texts back and forth a week, manly me saying have a great day at school and you can do it stuff like that, and her saying thanks or its really busy. from our one phone call I can tell that she loves it but is experiencing a work load she could never have imagined so is overloaded. As for me I give her about an hour through out the day of wondering about her, but even that is getting more minimal.

Still not sure if I am detached or given up, mostly it seems like she is really happy in the new world she has built for herself but she knows she has not dealt with the one she left and every time it comes up it kills her. I hate seeing that so would rather just let her go knowing she is happy and can succeed at what she is doing. but who knows that just the thought of the day!!

Cheers to all!!

http://mine.icanhascheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=1966351

BTW that little ball of fun, is mine!!

JWS

Cute little ball of fun! Cats are great! My husband just introduced me to that site a week or so ago and so I have been flipping through it now and again. Now I "know" one of the stars!

I have only posted to you once before but I read along (lurk I guess is the term) I just read the last few posts on your other thread and had a question for ya. I don't mean to hijack but I kinda wanted your opinion. You said that your wife and you were high school sweethearts and did not date before each other and that she might be feeling like she has to get out and have those "experiences" that she "missed out on" and it kinda hit me because my husband and I were basically the same way and have only been married a couple of years when he did his "I want to be free" and "I missed out on those experiences" kinda phase. He is in the military too and that is kinda what triggered this stuff. Did you ever go through that phase where you felt like you missed out on something because you got married young/married the only person you ever dated? Or feel like you never got your free time to be a bachelor? If so how did you get through it?

I really don't mean to barge in on your thread I am just hoping for a guys perspective and given the similarities I thought you could help!

Thanks!

Hi Daisy,
Not JWS, but, only ever with my wife, and yes, when my love tank was unusually full, I would struggle with the fantasy of a wild crazy single life. I always tempered it with the reality of what single life was like before I met my wife. It sucked, big time.

I made peace with only being with my wife. I felt like it was a good trade, fully dedicated to this one woman in exchange for the love I'd never known before. Of course, now, it seems like I got screwed in that deal. She's out running around playing like she's 22 again while I've got the kids 24x7.

Yeah, I detect a little bitterness at how things turned out. I know there are times I feel extra screwed. I feel like I followed the conventional wisdom, what religion had to say and then 18 years later, I had my heart ripped out of my chest. So, I'm pretty certain that if I end up divorced, I'll be going a little bat-sh*t crazy.

Sorry for the tirade. I certainly went through a phase like that. But, because of my Christian upbringing and because before I met her my life seemed hardly worth living, I made peace with only being with my wife and took great joy in being with her. There was no technique that I used except insecurity and shyness, but, that isn't something you can really do proactively.

Dan

hi daisy

I did go through my own similar thing kind of the "one woman for the rest of your life way to go frank". But nothig came of that. I think that it is most lilly a very common feeling for young married people who have never been with anyone but their spouse. I know that these feelings are part of her deal but they wre not the main issue or cause. I think that if she felt fullfilled in other aspects of her life she would not have had a problem dealig with these very natural feelings. Anyone who has been in a long R knows that you fall in and out of love allthe time. I think that it is when someone is down on love that Hess feelings comeinto play and could cause a problem.

I hope that this helps a bit. I think that it is very normal and speaking from a mans point of view most of us go through it. This may be a factor and I hope it can help you to be understanding but at the same time it is not an excuse for him to walk out either.

Thanks for lurking. Stop by any time I am always here to chat. Thank you for the sacerfices you have made for this country. Trust me your support of him is equally as important as what he does.

sorry for the miss typing but that was from the iPhone keyboard

hey dan

How you doing next time I am out I will have to drink a toast to all of us who have gotten screwed. I hear you man. We certently have been screwed but have you ever been screwed over and not learned from it. This may be the crapest learning ever but you will bounce back and be better for it.

Hope your going well today

Thanks guys!

I find it helpful to get male perspective because sometimes my hubby makes me crazy with his logic! I get the feeling of wanting to be free and while I do feel that urge sometimes I would never abandon him that way he has me. I technically left the situation physically but he had checked out emotionally a long time before that and I deserve better!

He has a long troubled past and I am literally as close as anyone has ever got to him. His family is uber messed up and he does not really have any close friends. He dated a bit before me and none of those "relationships" lasted more than a month or so. I think he is so used to people abandoning him that in a way he pushed the boundaries with me to see what it would take to drive me away but I meant my wedding vows and I will not leave him behind.

One thing that is making me especially crazy right now is that he thinks we are great friends and that even if we divorce he hopes we can stay friends. How insane is that? I'm good enough to keep in your life but not as a wife? Oy vey. Sometimes I don't get him. I told him flat out that if we end up divorced I could not remain his friend and have my heart ripped out everytime I saw him/talked to him and know that we are "just friends"

I like being a military wife. It is a hard road but it is a worthy road and it makes my husband feel happy and fullfilled which is why I was supportive in the first place. But it is hard when our counselor says that a lot of our problems seem to stem from the 6 months we spent apart last year (he left right after our first anniversary)

We have a lot of cards stacked against us but I am hoping we can make sense of this mess and soon. He might be leaving for training soon and I want to go with him this time. But certainly not as just a friend.

Thanks for the imput guys!

I really do know that the just friends approach is very difficult how ever the best results I have seen here are the people who are able to truly be friends and truly give their spouse that space. I honestly believe that if she would take the time to look she would see that I will truly be her friend for ever and maybe now that is for the best only god knows that right now.

I am sorry about your sep and possibly another one. It is a herd life and creates issues that most people don't have to deal with.

I was just courious about the nature and duration of his up comming training. Is this something you would normally go on. A lot of time family tag along with great problems but it becomes a hassle having them there. Just try and think that over from all angles before asking.

Hey JWS

Well basically he went to one AIT but now wants to switch MOSs and do something else and depending on what he decided to do he could be gone anywhere from 3-12 months. If it was only 3 months it would not be worth the stress of moving and all that but if it was longer I would rather go with him and not risk another long separation. He had an injury and just recently got some of that sorted out so now he has a couple more hoops to go through and then he will have to make a decision of what to so. He scored so high on the ASFAB (is that right? lol) that his recruiter opened up the job book and asked what he wanted to do. So he can do anything, literally. Now he just has to decide what he wants to do.

Anyways I wanted to throw in a little more detail about the first time he went away. When he left he was crazy emotional. Crying all the time, huge breakdown the night before and at the airport the next morning. He even told me that he had thrown up because of it. Combo of nerves and not wanting to leave me behind. I was sad that he was sooo upset but at the same time it kind of made me happy because I really felt loved that he was so upset to go. Does that make any sense? Anyways the first few months he was away he was emotional still, when we did talk on the phone he would always break down. He wanted to get out of the army and come home again because he missed me and all that. He had a few set backs physically (shoulder injury) and was a hold over several times so he was frustrated about that on top of everything else. But eventually he made it through and shipped to AIT. He had a few hold overs there too and we were both going insane. His whole training was supposed to be 4 months but it ended up being over 6 months. Ahhh!

Anyways towards the end of his training he started getting distant. Not writing as much, not wanting to talk on the phone everyday and when we did talk he kept it short and would talk about how he would be going out with his buddies soon. I got mad and felt rejected because I would wait by the phone all day to hear from him and then he would want to go off to the club after ten minutes. Anyways we had plenty of arguments about that. And when he came home we were happy for awhile but never all the way back together. It just felt like there was a wall between us and that is when he started talking about needing his freedom and having his own life. Blah blah blah.

I just felt/feel so frustrated because I was a good wife. I "let" him join the guard even though I was apprehensive and I supported him and sent him gifts and cards and letters. I was always there 100% and gave my everything and then he comes home and acts like this?

Sigh.

I guess in a way I can relate to your W in that I feel like I gave everything to make him happy and that I got left behind in the process, left in the shadows (I think that is how you put it)

You're right though. It is good that he sees us as great friends and I know that is the foundation to this whole thing. I just don't know what it is going to take for him to realize that we are so much more.