Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Husband wants to reconcile - Try #4

Hi Tipper,

It's just a setback. He doesn't know what he wants. Focus on you and what YOU want.

Hugs...

Thanks,
And I agree with ya.

Recently I have been feeling pretty good about things over the last few days. The setback we had at dinner with his folks wasnt a big deal. I was afraid that it would shake things up a bit, but it really has only helped me in the long run.

My H realized that he was speaking out of line and very negatively about a situation that is improving. He apologized many times to me that night about what he said. I accepted his apology and havent thought much of it since.

Since then, my H has been so loving and acting like the old H. I crave those times. It is like we get on the same page when he is invested in us. When he blows me off, or changes plans - I start to get so worried. I need to get better at not thinking negatively during those times.

He has spent every minute of the last three days with me. He even has stayed away from the bars all three nights when two of those nights he would have a reason to be there usually.

He also suggested that this saturday since we dont have to bowl that we go out and do a day trip in the canoe together instead of partying all day at some bar. I was so excited to see him show this concious effort to find alternatives to drinking every night.

Now, I know that this is only been a recent change I am seeing in my H. But at the same time, I feel like he is starting to actually realize the effects of his alcoholism on our M. I know he will still visit the bars in the future, but its like right now- he is making an effort to avoid them and I am loving it.

For the first time in the last 5 months of peicing, I am finding that he is starting to come here straight after work instead of going to a bar first to drink for 3 or 4 hours. It is wonderful to feel like he is being more of a H rather than just a boyfriend.

I hope that these improvements continue on. I am finding myself feeling much better about us and our future than I did just a few days ago.
TIPPER

Hi Tipper,

I see lots of positives in your last post! He's moving slowly, but in a good direction.

Does he drink when he's at your place?

New_attitude,
Yeah, He usually buys a 12 pack to keep in my fridge. He only has a couple when he comes over though. Then every couple of days he will restock it. This is a pretty normal habit for most all the men I know in my life - Having a few beers when they unwind after work.

It is when he goes out without me and goes to bars and gets wasted that I get worried. That is usually when he will drink and drive, since I am not there with him to say "no".

He was great this past weekend and he hung out with me the entire time. I am really glad that he did too, becuase his best friend was hanging at thier favorite bar on friday and ended up getting jumped. His leg was broken badly and now he is in a cast and on crutches and needs to have surgery. SO I am so glad that my H was not with him becuase then he undoubtably would have gotten in the middle.

Instead My H was with me and we went and watched his old best friend sing and play accoustic guitar at another tavern. Then on sat. we made chilli and watched movies all day. And on sunday we went canoeing at my H's favorite lake and then went bowling.

It was a great weekend. However, now my H's new best buddy is out of work for a while becuase of his leg and this kid just seems to be trouble to me. He will want my H to hang at the bars more than he has been. I am trying to prepare myself to see a change in my H now that this friend of his is now back home.
TIPPER

Well,after one great week we had together, I can now see him pulling away from me again ever so slightly.

H had a band practice sunday night and didnt end up coming over until after 11:30. I didnt mind because we spent the whole day together up until his band practice.

Then on Monday, his band played at their open mic night and then I left right afterwards. We only saw each other for about 2 minutes.

Then last night he didnt end up coming over until 8:30. When he got to my place he told me that he is thinking about buying back our old first house.

I didnt even know what to say. I didnt say a thing. I was speechless. The reason for this is becuase we put a ton of work into our first place and we lived their for 5 years. He hated the place during our 5th year their and was craving to move any where else. He would say how bad he hated that house at that time.

He then lost that house in his bankruptcy. We were keeping it as rental property when we moved into our next home, but we lost it in the long run. Lots of money down the drain. Plus, when we rented it out the people that were living in it destroyed a lot of it.

So, I feel very dissed that he wants to buy it back. He wanted out of it so bad just 3 yrs ago. It is a small house and there is no way he would want me to move in there with him. He is doing this just so he can get a bachelor pad that he can afford. Now I know he has no intentions of us living together any time soon.

I am so frusterated right now. How do I deal with this. It is totally unappropriate. Meanwhile we are still both paying mortgage or rent to live in seperate places. My funds are very low right now, and it kills me that we are just throwing away $ to live seperately.

I am gonna blow a fuse. My H has no idea how to be a husband. His main concern now is always himself. I have no idea what to say to him or how to react to this.
TIPPER

I am still blowing a fuse here.

I just dont know how to think about our work/progress/piecing in our M.

It is like my H says he loves me, but doesnt really show it. It is like he is still a mlc teenager just seeking satisfaction for himself.

My H changed so drastically from the man I once knew trusted and loved. Now I am scared all the time, neglected, my self esteem has been shot, and I have constant thoughts of not deserving this treatment.

We have made a lot of progress, but it is no where near where we used to be or where I want to be.

I was much happier a few years ago when My H was still my H. Now, we have set up a relationship that satisfies all of his needs and very little of mine.

Let me explain:
-H got in fight with my Brother in 2006, since then he wont do very many things with my family. When he does, he is very quiet and ignores my bro, and it is awkward on all of us. My parents feel like they did something wrong and that my H hates them, and they or I just cant understand my H's behavior towards them all.

-We still live seperate becuase my H is only conscerned about his future and getting back on his feet after his bankruptcy 2 yrs. ago. The other reason is so that he can have a place in the center of town and be a social butterfly at all the bars in walking distance. He tells me he doesnt like my townhouse and it is too small for us both. I had to buy this when he left me and I had no where else to live. Now I feel stuck here.

-My self esteem is shot. I used to feel good about myself and who I was. Now I am always feeling like I am not enough for him. I always have to listen to him talk about hot women, and ladies that like him or hit on him. He flirts at the bars all the time.
And I am still struggeling inside to get over his whole stripper escapade.

-He puts his band and his buddies first all the time. Almost daily, he hangs with all of them untill he has had his full, and then he comes over and hangs out with me for a night cap. It makes me feel like I am just being used for sex.

-Sex, it used to feel right, loving - soft - caring -and in regular amounts. Now it is like he is a sex fean. He wants it all the time, and it is long, rough, hard, hair pulling, slapping, and porno like. Not very romantic or loving feeling. But he says how much he loves it and how I am his "sex godess" (his words).

-The little things: like he no longer lets me cut his hair and instead he goes to a salon to get it done. The hair dressors there told me that he was hitting on them when I wasnt with him. But he still goes there now that he is back with me. And he no longer cares about eating dinner with me - he eats out at bars and restaurants almost three times a day.

-He drinks every day of his life unless if he is hung over.

-He no longer wants to do any traditions with holidays, or my family, or our old camping trips. Now he is only concerned with his family functions and going on camping trips to his childhood lake.

-I am alone alot. I am very tight on funds. I take care of all three of our pets. I dont care much for any of his new friends. He has had many drinking and driving incedents with out being caught and continues to do it.

WHHHHHEEEEEWWWW. I know I am complaining badly. But I feel like my situation is so hopeless. I am afraid to tell him I am unhappy becuase every time I ever have before he just leaves or says "if this relationship is giving you this much hurt then we should just give up".

I will do anything to save my M. I believe in our vows. ANd I believe that people grow and change. I hope he can grow into a good H someday. In the meantime I try to have patience, but my fears are so overwhelming.
TIPPER

Your H sounds a LOT like my H.
My H told me on Wednesday that I should no longer 'stand in the gap'. He doesn't want to be married. Period.
He loves me, we "can remarry later", but he doesn't want me to "count on him".
He doesn't like the idea of letting me go. He really wants me in his life. (whatever.)
And after this whole big convo, he still had the nerve to try to take me to bed. (NOPE!)
He is all about himself right now.
His band buddies are more important than me.

I have no advice, per se.
For me, it is time that I no longer let this man string me along.
He has totally been calling the shots. He has given me as much commitment as he can. It wasn't until I went on a non-date with a guy that I met at a meetup, that I realized I am being short changed. The non-date guy invited me to several events (dinner party he was hosting w/6 other guests, bowling w/2 friends, big house party). My H doesn't include me in his life.

My H needs to work out whatever his issues are, on his own. He has been honest enough to say he doesn't want to be married. I am not happy about it- but the constant rejection wasn't doing me any good. I let him give me WAY too little for WAY too long.

Later on, if by some miracle he grows up, he will have to really have to earn his way back. He will be held to the same (or higher because of his flakiness) standards as any other man that would want me in their life. And *that* is the number one thing-- they have to WANT me IN their life - all of it. Not the leftovers.

I am rambling.

You'll know when you are ready to deal with the "consequences" of expecting your husband to act like a husband. Mine couldn't do it.

Good luck.

(((Tipper)))

I think you need to set a few boundaries. You are putting up with alot and not seeing things change the way you like. You already know that you can't change him, so work on yourself. First, work on improving your self-esteem by spending more time with people who make you feel good about yourself. Make time for the activities that make you feel good about yourself (GAL). Also, how can you react differently to things that he does (in a way that won't make you feel bad about yourself?)

There is a difference between being there for him and being a doormat. Take care of yourself!
Hugs...

Thanks all,

I truely appreciate all your thoughts.

I have a great time with my H, its the fears I have about our future that I am stumbling mostly over right now.

We go through good weeks and bad weeks, and its hard to not feel up and down myself.

I do think things will work out for us for the best in the long run. I am being patient and dealing with the things I know I can not change about my H.

In the meantime, I feel myself starting to put my guard down when I am around him and be just more of myself. For a while , It was like every thing I did was to try and impress him or make him happy. Now I am turning my focus back onto myself slowly and it is a bit easier.

Well we have had a good couple of nights. Monday night is pretty much our one night we spend apart every week due to his band gigs. Man are there some real fluzzies that go watch them play and it drives me nuts. I went and watched them and now I am home. So I am home with the dog alone tonight. I hate it.
I wish we had our M'd lifestyle back. But I need to have patience and alot of hope.
TIPPER

Venting,

O.K., last night my H really messed up. I text him around 7 to say I am cooking a chicken dinner and have a new movie rental to watch if he is interested in coming over.

He said, sure & that he would shower and come over but he said to eat with out him so he doesnt have to rush.

I said o.k. and then he text me back at 8:45 and said "please dont be mad at me, but I want to stay and hang out with ryan for a while longer (his new best friend from his band).

So I said, "no prob, I am planning on going to bed early so I will see ya tommorow night after trivia at 9:00. I didnt really want to go to bed early, but I figured that I wanted to start the movie and I am not going to base my life around waiting for him.

So right away, he calls me back and says he will be on his way if he is still welcomed. I said fine, but I am putting the movie in now.

When he got to my place about 10 min later he was apologizing profusely about knowing that he messed up by dissing me again. He stands me up pretty regularly (esp. on tues nights). So I have decided that I will no longer call him on tues. or cook dinner and invite him over anymore. I will use that night to focus on me.

My H was wasted when he got there last night, he was so disruptive that I had to shut the movie off. He also ended up throwing up several times from too many shots. He is such an alcoholic, and I dont know how to deal with it anymore.

I am going to go out alone tonight to trivia with my friends and I am not going to call him unless if he calls me. This is just ridiculous, I cant keep playing this game. I told him his apology was accepted, but I know deep down that I am no longer going to have any tuesday night plans with my H so that I dont end up feeling let down by him dissing me for his buddy.

So now we are going backwards becuase we will be apart at least two nights a week now instead of just one.
AARRGGHHH,
TIPPER