Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy trying to be patient and strong (2 or 3?)

I don't think anyone thinks of themselves as immoral obviously even if they are. They justify their behavior with an excuse or 2. I do worry about the kids, but I'm hoping they'll look at us both in the long run and not go to the dark side!

My H is the same way--he asked for primary custody even though he has typically spent about 5 or less hours a week with the kids, travels, heavily obsessed with OW--oh, yeah, that's a good idea!!! If I didn't love the kids so much, I have had the evil thought of letting him have what he wants as I think he would be miserable, but so would the kids, so won't do that!!! But if the worst thing happened, and H did get custody, I think he would give up on that really quick!!! I think they are somewhat delusional or crazy or something when it comes to decision-making! Karen

OK, lwb & Kat! I'll come there and paint if you'll come here and paint! Just kidding of course. I just need to have a free day at some point, maybe Wed. or Thurs. so I can knock out a bunch. Play some loud music and it won't be so bad!

NC, you're so sweet! I guess you're right; I of course don't want to be jaded and I don't think any chance of me becoming worldly!!! I get hurt/jealous sometimes b/c OW is the antithesis of me: lawyer, several marriages, not too involved in her kids, socialite type. Honestly, I don't think he could have found someone more different than me if he tried. And I guess if that's what he wants in a R, then I'm not the one for him. Will try to remember that! Karen

karen, thats what I keep reading. OP is usually completely different than us. Like polar opposites.

My wife has described him as just as nice as me. Other than that, he is totally opposite.

Mine says since he has been with her she showed him and I quote "how good it could be" and he has "a connection with her he has never had with me" it's very frustrating that he didn't realize this Oh I don't know 10 or 15 years ago. Seems like a pattern with these spouses that basically think "the grass is greener". Well it all has to be mowed
And that's all I have say about that
L

XOM was very different from me as well. And during the fantasy, she felt that he was the answer to all my shortcomings. Don't believe a word of it from the WAS. Their judgement towards OM/OW is skewed and any statement regarding the shortcomings of the LBS is simple self-justification and not to be taken personally or seriously.

Yeah even if the OP is a great person, which is questionable when they are getting involved with a married person (the OW in my case was married also), I don't think any one person is the answer to everything, just as my H blaming me for all the problems in his life is kind of crazy too. I guess it takes a while for them to figure out though! Too bad they don't come here and find out sooner, huh?

NC, I'm worried about ya!!! I've been checking your thread today and it's locked (great timing!) so I can't post. I know you haven't been feeling good and hope you will post soon and let us know if you are ok or not!!! Thanks! Sorry to post on my thread about you, but I can't post on yours!!! Karen

I know OP is not reality (the perfect R as H describes it) but it just hurts so much that he says it is. BTW OW is also married so clearly got her ethics screwed up. Thanks for re-affirming. It Does make me feel better.

Hey Karen,

Just thought I'd come over and see what was up with you.

You know, the most amazing part of this whole crazy place we find ourselves is that the reality is our spouses HAVE traded down. One of my best friends is a shrink and she said that this is usually the case. Possibly it's because inside they never really felt worthy of what they had with us, but that's only because they never felt good enough before that. We didn't cause that, that was their baggage. If they came into the relationship already feeling as if they were not on the same level, then that is what they've been secretly living with and now it has just caught up with them. Now they look for someone lesser who they KNOW they are 1 up on. One of my friends told me that they always thought that if this were to happen in our marriage that it would have been me who would have done this. When my brain started to clear from the aftershock of the bomb, I remembered ex saying in a counseling appt. that people loved me & I had more best friend than anyone he knew. At the time I took it as a bad thing wondering if that meant I was needy or something. Now I realize that he never felt that and probably knew he never would. I don't think it is anything that we do so much as how they percieve themselves. They were damaged when we met them but how would we ever have known? It probably was always a way of life with them to hide what they felt they lacked from the world.

So for now, they probably think they're at peace with their decision. Sooner or later, this decision will catch up with them as well!

Love,
Bethie

Oh my gosh! I just asked one of my former flirting/kissing partners to join facebook! What am I thinking? Yeah, I always wondered if I had told him that I liked him instead of being a goof, what would have happened.

He is divorced now too. He has been for 2 years. About the time I was separated. Just wishful thinking I guess. Well I will have to see what he does.

kat

Well, you just asked him to join facebook, not to date him or marry him or whatever? So I think a fun thing you did. Is he still cute? I think that's just a fun thing right? It doesn't necessarily have to mean anything? If you don't want it to anyway! Karen