Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis He's dark, I'm dark, everyone is dark

Hi Poet,

Catching up on you... hope you don't regret asking!

((Poet))

I don't normally read or post on this particular forum, so that's how I lost track of ya. Sorry about that! I don't want to offend anyone so I'm a little bit hesitant to say this but I'll go ahead... and please, everyone, know that I"m not talking about you personally, just an overall trend that I've noticed. The reason I don't usually come here is that it seems to be the one forum where a lot of people get really, really stuck. It's like slapping the "MLC" label on it somehow makes the DB process "different" and makes it more of a situation where you're willing to put up with any and all treatment because your spouse is "sick" or "in crisis" or whatever. It doesn't make ANY DIFFERENCE. Focus on you, GAL, do what works... it's all the same no matter WHAT the reason is for the WAS leaving. This may not even be true for this board anymore, but it was a long time ago when I started to move over here and several people urged me not to, fearing I'd get "stuck" too.

OK... off my soap box..

On the etiquette thread - PLEASE don't worry too much. 99% of people will be respectful and honest with you... and, I can't even imagine you responding in a way that comes close to upsetting whoever posted to you. You don't have to do or not do everything suggested, just take it all in, and do what works best in your sitch.. make sense?

Speaking of which... the 2x4
Eek.. that interaction yesterday morning was really bad!! I am glad that you saw it though. Now stop doing it.

ALWAYS think of him like a distant but friendly neighbor or co-worker. Seriously, if they were coming by to grab something you left out for them, would you meet them and hand them breakfast and your newspaper??? I'm pretty sure that would get you an interesting - but not positive! - response from them.

Fig's advice on how to handle his anger is great.



Huh???

Truly, this makes no sense to me. At all. Just so you know...

On the rest of your posts,

Barb... damn I thought I was good with the 2x4s, I bow to you, you're the master!! I was just typing up a post and realized you already said it, and better. So Poet I'll just suggest that you re-read Barb's latest posts, over and over, til it sinks in. And print them out to re-read later, too... more of it will sink in as time goes on.

To reiterate what I'd suggest to you:
- ABSOLUTELY quit telling him you're trying to forgive him. DO it, but do it for yourself, not him. He doesn't care. And it invalidates HIS feelings in a way, because you're telling him indirectly "you're wrong and I'm right."

- IF your state allows it, change the locks. If not, firmly and politely tell him that your house is your space and that you need your privacy, he is not welcome unless you specifically invite him. (and, show him the same respect by not going to the trailer... if you've been doing that, I wasn't totally clear on if you DID do that or if he just thought you did)

- Plan your life without him in it.

- Get what is fair and what you deserve in the settlement. This is BUSINESS, not personal - take the emotion out of it and do what's right for yourself.

- Go dark... FOR REAL.

- GET A LIFE

I'm so glad that you saw some friends... disappointed that you talked about H, but it's done now. I'm glad she reprimanded you... real life 2x4s are good too!

YAY - you painted your nails, that's awesome.

I was just about to make the very same suggestion as fig - get yourself some NON-R books and have fun with them. fig, my Mom's a Janet Evanovich (sp??) FREAK! She can't read them in public because she busts out laughing and gets embarassed.

Poet - can I give you a little "homework"? I'm copying this from another thread.. I give this assignment out a lot and it seems to work well for people . Tonight, make a list of 10 things that make you happy/smile. They can be big or small, but preferably at least a couple of them are social and/or active. If you're having trouble thinking of things that make you smile right now, think of things that made you smile years ago, even when you were a kid.

Then, make a commitment to yourself that you'll pick 3 things from that list (2 can be easy, 1 should be one of those social/active ones that'll require a little effort)... and DO THEM this weekend/week. With a smile. No matter how fake it feels.

Some of the "little" ones that worked for me...

- Flowers for your table.. lots of grocery stores have small bunches of carnations for cheap.

- Get your nails done (around here there are little nail salons in the strip malls EVERYWHERE that you can get a "polish change" as opposed to a full manicure, and it's only $5!).

- Get a new outfit that you really love... or try a new hairstyle. (OK the hair might not count as "little" )

- Rent and watch a favorite childhood movie (no sad ones!)

- Take a walk through the park; or, sit in the park and read a favorite book, or magazine. (not R related!)

- Call a friend and chat - NOT about your R, at all

OK... some of the bigger ones...

- Go to a movie. If you can't find anyone to go with you, no problem - it's OK to go to a movie by yourself! It's not that bad, I promise.

- Go to a local event.. fair, or something like that.

- Go to a meetup (no, it's not a dating site, it just sounds like one). If you tell me what area you're in, I'll even do a little research and look up some promising ones for ya. I know the concept seems scary.. but I promise, I've been to well over a dozen of these groups, and they are just normal people like you and me. Yes a few strange folks once in awhile... but you find that anywhere.

I hope you'll take me up on the "assignment." If you do, let us know what you pick.

(((Poet))))

Thank you EVERYONE!
Thank you Nik, for visiting my thread.

I do really appreciate you. I have heard similar words about this MLC forum, and somehow, things feel differently to me now since I've been here. No. The people have been wonderful, but I do feel stuck. I am sure that I will go to another forum when this thread locks -- not sure that I can do it beforehand.

Before I get started, I want to say that I had a phone visit from Austin today. She made me feel SO much better. I had been crying on the way home, but when she called, I even laughed a little bit. THAT was miraculous!

OK, so here is my update;

As I left for work this morning, I pulled a piece of H's mail out of his/our mailbox and left it on the table for him, with a note saying:

Dear Husband, Please do not come home anymore without me being here. I have asked you several times to honor this request. Please honor it from now on. Sincerely, Suzanne

He was home today. And he did read the note but did not take his piece of mail. Incidentally, one of my spike heels came off last night and I couldn't find it. (It is small and black). He found it and left in on the table, next to the note. That's how I know he read my note. It was his non-verbal way of saying, "I read your note."

I don't know if he will honor my request, but I do know that he was snooping, ie. on my computer and possibly reading my stuff. (I had a thumb drive next to the computer).

So, I guess this is another modality of his disrespecting my feelings. I do believe he reads my thread too. Oh well. What can I do?

Poet

Ugh.. I'm sorry!

You're welcome, for the visit. Are you gonna take on that voluntary "assignment"??

A few thoughts from your update -

- Can you change the locks, in your state?

- Most definitely.. password protect your computer.

- Change all your passwords, here and everywhere else you go.

- Clear history, cookies, temp files, etc. EVERY TIME you leave this place. I would also download ccleaner (pcworld.com has it in the downloads section). It's free. And you can delete your index.dat file which STILL logs everywhere you've been, even if you delete your history.

- Change your name here in hopes that it can become a "safe" place for you to post again.

(((Poet)))

Hi Nik,

Thank you SO much for checking on me. Yep, I sortof already did my assignment in my head. I plan to go tubing tomorrow morning if I can wake up in time ... or, I'll go to church, or a movie. I'm planning to give myself a pedicure (I have a foot spa). I will probably go to a real spa and treat myself to a massage sometime this week, maybe Monday on my way to work. Of all things, I really need that.

If nothing else, I'll go to the health club either tomorrow or Monday on my way to work, and sit in the hot tub. (I love the hot tub).

Thank you for being you,
peace and love,
poet

Going to bed now. I'm tired. G'night all!

That's great Poet!! I like your list. Look forward to hearing what you decide to do!

G'night - hope you sleep well.

(((Poet)))

Stay positive girlie. Do not read into anything he did at the house just yet. Do the fun stuff right now. Blackberry Merlot, pedicures, massages, etc. I'll think about you tubing while I fish in the morning. And I'll be smiling while I think about you.

Good Morning all who wander here,

I slept pretty well last night. I had a couple of boughts of sleeplessness, but it passed. I've come to the conclusion that I don't *hate* my husband. In fact, I never did. He recently told me that I "...don't know the difference between hate and anger." I guess that's because society does have a way of saying that *hate* is a bad, bad thing. I believe that most people, even if they hate you, will not admit it. I guess it's our upbringing. The way we are taught as children that you shouldn't hate people is what most people express, even if they don't truly feel that way.

In my case, we were taught the right thing, but we acted the wrong way. Whenever we were mad at each other, we said, "I hate you." And, so it carried over into adulthood. My husband always *hated* that part of me. I guess I chased him away in that respect. But, I take my blame and I'm moving forward. Husband, if you read this, please know that I don't hate you anymore. There I said it, even if he never reads it, I've documented how I really feel. Good. I feel good!

I took myself out for breakfast this morning, and yes, Wifey, I did not go tubing. Oh well, I remembered when I got up this morning that they only open the gates - so to speak - from Memorial Day Weekend through Labor Day Weekend. So, I missed out. No biggie. I can still go swimming today somewhere. Maybe I will.

Also, I just looked at my posts. I've only posted 65 times, so if anybody wants to help bring up my numbers, please feel free. I'm itching to change forums to Separated.

Thanks in advance,
poet

Poet here, again.

I'm short of temper sometimes, and that is what I have to work on for myself.

I've had many good years of eveness and calmness followed by some calamity - there's nothing like a divorce to cause a calamity. I'm not sure what is worse, the years leading up to a divorce, the year when you're going through the divorce, or the year after the divorce.

I'd like to take a pole. Does anyone care to pitch in where you are on this journey, and where your feelings lie?

I'm in the year of: My feelings are all over the place. Help!

Hey Poet-
You seem to be on a pretty good path as of late....at least in your interactions with your H....the "feelings all over the place" is normal.

Admittedtly, i'm nearing the end of the year of feelings all over the place....but the length of the years depends on ourselves, not our spouses. I still have my moments where i'm all over the place, but they are becoming fewer and fewer in number. GALing helps there. As we pass through each step, i think the "years" get shorter.....LOL..at least, i hope they do.

i'm following along, even if i don't post to you...you get great advice....Keep it up! You're doing so much better. I'm proud of you!

Neil,

I've seen you so little recently. Thank you for stopping by. I hope all is well with you. I haven't seen you post so much anymore. What's up with that?

poet
P.S. Thanks for the words of encouragement.