Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Ground Hog Day WAW #18

Actually, seriously, that's an ADD trait! And ADD person has trouble staying focused on one thing, ends up focusing on everything, or nothing, depending on how you look at it. Might be something to think about?

(I've got a bit of the ADD thing going myself, I'm speaking a bit from experience, here.)

k so before i crash...

Phil...
Chill the hell out brother. You are a good dude. Just a little edgy. You let your W make you crazy cuz you are holding on so tight. Google the rubber band effect. You let go of a rubber band and what happens? You have the power to either turn her around or see her further out. Thing is to see her further out, keep doing what you are doing. To turn her around, let go. I haven't seen anyone save their M by holding on so tight that no one can breathe. Yet it is something so many do. Find a way to become happy with yourself again, then she will be happy with you.

Amy...
Goodnight

Fig
RRRRRROaRrrrrrr

lol

night tiger

OK, Phil, you've asked some pretty clear questions tonight, and I can answer some of them for you. You get to choose whether you will read through the answers. And I will do my best to communicate in a non-threatening, non-argumentative way.


This sounds pretty arrogant, Phil. The thing is, it's difficult to know how to talk to you. You ask questions, you get answers from the heart and from experience, and you reply with disrespect. For example: If you don't like the answer you get, you kick the person off your thread. No one else on here does that, Phil. Most of us post to get feedback from those with more experience or more perspective, so we think you're probably seeking the same things. Sometimes the answer is uncomfortable, and those people who value being reflective think about why it's uncomfortable. It may be because it's totally off base, in which case we often ignore it. Or it may be because it hits home with something that's so true that we say "ouch." And we learn from that. That's why we're here.

Really, it's pretty rare that posters call you "every name in the book." Perhaps every now and then when you've been particularly disrespectful, but not very often. Yes, you get called on your behavior, as we all would. But it's not necessarily passive-aggressive, it doesn't usually involve name-calling.

What you're calling "gang bang" is what happens when several readers notice that you've said or done something that many of us consider either highly counterproductive, highly disrespectful, or flat-out damaging. You got a lot of response to a conversation you reported having in front of your children--because many of us had strong gut reactions to the damage that could cause your children. I know you disagree, but you're in the minority about that. You and your wife have demonstrated a real tendency to use the children as currency in your war against each other, and you will never find anyone who doesn't agree that that is very harmful to them. And so many of us responded because we are worried about your family and we would do anything to get your attention so that you stop the behavior. Again, I acknowledge that you disagree with me about that, however I guarantee that in 5 years time your opinion will have changed.

As for the "high-fives," that's just what happens here. It's not just your thread, Phil, but people talk to each other on each others' threads. No one else seems to mind that on their threads, and not everyone is familiar with the rules you have set up for your thread. This is something of a community, and communities have their own cultures and ways of communicating--and that's all this is. It really isn't about dissing you but rather acknowledging community.


See, the thing is, you don't suggest; you use language that demands. And that kind of language is just not an effective way of communicating when you're discussing religion in a non-denominational setting. We know and accept that you're Catholic and no one is challenging that or disrespecting that. But this isn't a Catholic-only site; people have different faith traditions that they cherish as much as you cherish yours. If you had the whole College of Cardinals on here posting, they would use language that is much more tolerant of others' faith traditions than you do! And it wouldn't mean that they are lukewarm in their faith. But when you insist on "your way or the highway" Catholicism here, you use language that is sometimes openly disrespectful of the other person's faith. And that's disrespecting someone at their core, and I can pretty much guarantee they will take offense. We understand that you believe the credo of Catholicism and no one is challenging your right to express that. Most folks also give that respect to others. I know that you believe you are an "amateur theologian." Your terminology. But you admitted to being an amateur. There are those of us who have studied Catholic theology in Catholic institutions with non-amateur theologians--and I can tell you that sometimes you don't quite hit the nail on the head. It's one thing to quote a source, but it's quite another to have a broad understanding. But Phil, bludgeoning (that's how it feels) others with your interpretations isn't the most effective way to get your point across. In teaching RCIA classes or apologetics, do you think the presenters would win many converts or get their points across if they used a similar communication style? Diplomacy is very important in these matters--and it doesn't mean wavering in your faith, it simply means finding a way to explain without alienating others.

One last thing--because this is getting too long. It is very important to you to demonstrate that your wife is "the crazy one." Phil, you had us all at WAW! We have that understanding. What's underneath the need to prove that to an audience that, by very definition, gets it? I don't have the answer to that, but I'll bet if you gave it some reflection you might just have another epiphany. Epiphanies are great.

Phil, I didn't just spend the last half hour writing this to argue with you, to nit-pick or to play tit-for-tat or to prove I'm right. My hope is to help you understand the answers to the questions you asked. Simple as that.

Jeff, No I'm a supermultitasker. I don't have ADD.

Now I think my wife has ADD. OCD, MLC, and a bit of the crazies.

Wow that could be a sandwhich.

Rubber band, BS.. I read Mars Venus. That would work fine if you partner read the book too and you both tried to implement it.

Psychobabble... We go in our caves...

BS...

We all need to become more Christian.

Rubber band effect isn't in a book, just some regular guy said it. You want proof, look at some of the people that saved their M's. It wasn't until they let go.....

I agree with the psychobabble opinion. These books have you saying stuff like
I understand that you are leaving the relationship, and I feel that you should know that I would prefer that....blah blah blah
Who talks like that besides Fraiser Craine? You'll freak people out.

But, you aren't going to accomplish anything until you settle down a bit. Until you let her go and realize that the only relationship you NEED, is your relationship with the Lord. Get the pressure off her, and you will see changes.

But...


Key concept here--
Did you like the fact that she thought of you and texted Good Night? Seems like good, connected, spousal-like behavior. Like I'd give anything for my spouse to do, by the way. So--would you like her to do that most nights? I'm thinking yes.

So--that's what you validate and positively reinforce! If you go dark, it should be on those texts that push your buttons, not on behavior/texts that you'd like to have more of. Not a lengthy convo, just a smiley and a "good night." And stop there. Bet it happens again!

...and there is the concept of letting go and letting God. Goodnight man, take it easy.

Where's that ignore button..... Oh there it is...

Ok, someone said we were getting along. Until along came a spider.

No Hoosier you are wrong. There is only one true Church and it is Catholic.

I'm even aruguing with someone on this site that claims to taught Catholic doctrine and he is teaching it wrong.

The bond of marriage makes you one, it is not a metaphor.

I don't care if this is a non-denominational site. The point is, the Catholic Church teaches us that divorce is wrong. If we Catholics acted like Catholics we wouldn't have these problems.

The same is true with this county. If we Catholics voted the way we are suppose too. We wouldn't have the blood of millions of innocent on our hands.

IF we Catholics knew our faith, we would never leave it.

I don't care about democracy. I tell it like it is. I constantly read early Church fathers. Guess what, they told it like it was too.

When we put liberal bias, and feelings into things that is what gets us into trouble. It makes things all wishy washy. Makes it ok for you to accept it.

You don't need to be democratic when you speak the truth.

I use the term amature theologian, because I have no formal education in it. It has been a lifelong hobby. Which means what? Which means I most likely read more, studied harder, contemplated more than the expert has.

Guess who else coined himself an amature theologian? He was an early fore father.

And you are totally right after reading your first paragraph, I so want to put you on ignore. I asked you repeatedly to not post to me. And you know I'm going to post back to you because I have OCD or something for response to what I deem idiotic.

I have about zero tolerance for the idiotic.

Wow, I think I said that like five hundred post ago... So either this is ground hog day, or it's deja vu.

Dude the rubber band effect is in Mars Venus... Do you want me to cite the pages...