Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Ground Hog Day WAW #18

Is there something that maybe your wife has said she enjoys that you don't???

maybe something that she said in passing or even something she has expressed that she enoys now

you could let her know that you were listening to her

get a little card with that interest in mind

(lets say she always really liked daisies...you could get a card with a picture of daisies that says something innocuous like hoping you had a great day)

Phil, same here -- I'm a Systems Engineer/Admin, sometimes manager

You know, reading what you have said about the challenges with changing so much about yourself, it can be overwhelming and hard to stay consistent, only to fail. How about focusing on one thing you want to change. Not several things but one thing and change it. Don't do it for a reaction from your wife, although you may get one. And stay consistent. Don't worry about the details. If it is to stop saying I love you, then stop saying it. I know that if I felt I wanted proof that someone loved me, I would say I love you in order to get them to say it in return.

So instead, if she wants to tell me she loves me, she does. If she does, I hear what she says and truthfully and consciously reply "I love you".

Or change the way you text. Do not go into any details and only respond to her by text when she texts with a short, yes, no or I dont know (if it applies).

The focus is to short circuit the drama that is existing and avoid compounding the problem. But do it little by little. Don't try to frustrate yourself. Changing one thing at a time can become a real and permanent change. Eventually you will realize you needed the change more than anyone.

Phil, if you had an issue with a server, where the application it was hosting kept hanging, would you keep rebooting it day after day? No, I am sure you wouldn't.

You would probably feel that repeating the same thing day after day isn't changing anything. It is still broken and unreliable. And what is the best way to diagnose what is wrong? By changing a bunch of settings or configurations or by changing one thing and seeing if it helps or not? Plus, the best thing is to troubleshoot what the problem may be before jumping in and making wholesale changes. Review the logs. Go into the event viewer and see if it is a system or security or app or check the cron jobs to see if it is having a deleterious effect.

Even though the user is complaining about their application not working, they only know it isnt working. They dont understand why it isnt working and they will blame you if you dont fix it. They arent completely wrong because it is our job to fix it.

But it isnt completely their fault. We need to fix what we can fix. Not them. We cant fix the user. And yelling at the user doesnt fix the problem. All it does is further alienate the user and you are less likely to resolve the problem unless someone else forces you to or you are forced to leave.

I look at the user as my wife, the systems admin as myself and the server as my actions/words. I cannot change my wife but I can affect my actions or words. I am not sure exactly what is wrong with my actions or words but I know that it is seriously impacting my wife (user). I can either fix my server (actions/words) or I can look for a new job (marriage). Personally, I like my job, and I used to be friends with the user so I would prefer to fix the server so the user and I can like each other again.

Make one change, Phil.

Be consistent.

Here's one: Next time you see her, instead of kissing her on the cheek or something, lean towards her and turn your cheek to HER and point at it so she kisses YOU.

Be cocky and have a big grin. Like you're 'letting' her kiss you.

It actually originated from Barbie and piqued my interest. I noticed Phil hadn't answered or possibly just missed it entirely, so I thought why not? I'll go ahead and give it another try.

But again as I said, not a prob.

Phil, I hope you and your family receive the kind of love and happiness everyone deserves.

First of all I did answer the question.

It's because it is passive aggressive behavior. Just like on this board. I receive plenty of passive aggressive behavior. That is why your husband is disrepectful. That is why my wife throws dagges and laughs. That is why there is a constant one up.

It's the inablility to admit your wrong.

Should someone be the first to say. I'm sorry.

Well I'm sorry board for fighting with you all. For always being right and not laying down the sword.

I'm sorry for being a jacka$$ and an idiot.

You know when I texted that to her the other day, that is when she started talking to me.

But has she said she was sorry for being a jacka$$ and an idiot. Maybe someday. When LostPhil is Lost to her. Then it maybe too late.

There is only so much someone can take.

I will say it again. I'm sorry for being right all the time.

Frank, that will not work... she doesn't want to kiss me, she said it last night.

Even now I picked up the kids from the shop. She was frantic and there was no one there. That job does not help her MLC condition or whatever condition she has. The kids were there. They were in her way.

I asked if she was going to pick up D after work. She said I just want to go to the store for an hour alone. I said well when you have kids you don't have that luxury. It's about the kids (wifes name) its not about you.

Missmyfriend,

Unfortunatly she is a constant blue screen of death. Perhaps I sould switch operating systems. Change to open source. It's free but it isn't cheap.

I already know most of the commands. UNIX 2.6 Hmmmmm, that's what she needs a brain transplant.

You know I have this odd feeling. Everything is going to be alright.

My boss even came in today and said funding does not look good to keep me for next year. I can't let it bother me.

Everything is going to be alright. I got a huge pay today. Two classes reimbursed corporate money. That's over 3K. That will pay the mortgage for a couple months.

Everything is going to be ok.

Phil - I like your positive attitude about everything going to be all right! Optimism is the best medicine.

I am a computer geek too - device driver writer. I have even forced some blue screens long ago (using KeBugCheck) for ill behaved drivers which I called. The trouble was picking the bug check code to use - I used "NT end of evaluation" and used some of the other params so the screaming end users could report to me and I would know what call into the other drivers failed. I now do the correct thing and recover and bubble the error result up to user mode code.

You all have probably read this one before, but it still is funny...

device driver writer

NDIS and Windows API, key to all this. Signaling protocols on CSMA/CD.

Dude, Wife 1.0 was out pre 8086 days on floppy disks.

My son is staying with me. Him and I went out and pal'd around. I got the phone issue solved. I didn't want to tell her that I got a temp phone, but she called the number. I'm not too good at lying and faking it. Plus I felt guilty because it was getting late and son and I were still at the mall. Guess what I called back her and yes you guessed it. She talked to me for a little while, then the venom started.

I said stop giving me a hard time. You give me a hard time about every little thing. You did it through the entire marriage, and you are still doing it. Just knock it off.

She said ok, whatever I'll call you back in an hour. She is ticked because son wants to stay with me, and he didn't want to talk to her again. I did encourage him to talk to her. He just kept telling her, no mommy I'm staying with daddy tonight.

She did call back and it was pleasant. She asked what son was doing. I said he wants to stay here.

You know the part that ticks me off if is that when she is on the phone with him, she'll just make him feel guilty for staying with me. I really wish I knew how to stop that. The kid got a brain he said he wanted to stay with me. I never try to break his wishes when he wants to stay with her. I absolutely have to convince him sometimes to go with her.

There probally is some truth about the role reversal. How the children have switched sides trying to keep this family together. I even told her that.

This is all up to her. All the madness.

Emotionally I'm good. Mentally I'm good.

All of you are whacked! Totally and utterly whacked.

How could a topic about Board Etiquette stem down to only ONE PERSON?

My children are not being abused. Yes they do experience some arugumentive confrontation between my wife and I. I have learned to deal with her better. Before I would scream back at her and call her a very bad name. Because I truly believe she is crazy.

With all that said, and amongst other things. You people have no life. How I have been the topic of conversation continualy is beyond me.

Forrest. You were asked not to post to me, and since some posters asked for me to link my threads you went ahead and did it. Why because you are fascinated by what I have to say. The reason you got backlash is because I asked you not to post to me, and you went ahead and did it anyway. And Forrest, you don't like me. But you sure follow me around. You even trying to get invited in FB. You are infatuated with me. The difference is I don't like you, and I know that hurts you. I don't want your 50 bucks. I don't need a db coach. I need someone to give her a shot of Clopixol or something, perferably on an morphine type drip. I think she needs to seek help. Her uncle is Manic. I believe her Mother is Manic. She needs diagnosed. But how do you do that?

You people are all a bunch of know it alls. I think Jeanette said it best. My world has been turned upside down. My wife is my life. I only wish I could have showed her that before she decided to leave. The point is, I didn't know how to handle her.
Because she was Manic or something?

I don't care what the pschologist label it. Depression, MLC, post partum, bipolar or whatever. It all has the same symptoms.

I get the same story from her uncle of how his SIL acted that way. My wife acts the same way. My FIL dealt with an abnoxious vexatious wife for years. My wife is the same as her mother. I have seen the rage. Her mother acts the same way. She had a good teacher. Now the bad part is we have a validating pig girl not helping the situation. Then we have her sister filling her head with BS.

I am a real person. The kids are incredibly healthy. My friends in real life come over to visit and state how well they look.

There were some discipline prolems. They wouldn't listen to her. I fixed that on my side. I almost never have to raise my voice with them. I ask them once and they do it. Even tongight when she came after work to pick up D. She called for him at least ten times for him to come see her. She wanted to know if he wanted to go with her. I said his name once, and told him to come to the living room, and I heard pitter pattering feet.

I looked at her and said. They listen to me. With her she would scream at them twenty times to do something. They still wouldn't do it. Then when she called me into action. She would make me look like the bad guy.

Really I find it absolutely amazing that the message on board etiquette was about me. You people have the inablity to read. What you should have down is interpreted it properly.

This is my safe haven. This is my thread. If you come here and rulle me up, be prepared. Because I do not waiver. The funny part is that people starting coming out of the wood work. People responding to just the post present and take things out of context.

The last post. There were people quoting others on things I didn't even say. With snipits and junkie nonsense talk.

Now part of the etiquette thing I disagree with is the religous view. Because it is God that we should be listening too. But we act on our own. Our own selfish behaviors. We failed in our marriages because both parties neither one of them acted like a true Christian or Godly type person.

Gandi said it best. A reporter asked him. Many of your values and principles are Christian like. Why are you not a Christian?

He said, show me one Christian that acts like a Christian.

Do we even act Christian towards one another even on this board?

James 3: 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by the human species, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

Amy that's a perfect verse for you and I.

When someone is down you don't whack them. You build them up.

Ephesians 4:31 All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice.
32 (And) be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ.

Ephesians Chapter 5

1 So be imitators of God, 1 as beloved children,
2 and live in love, as Christ loved us and handed himself over for us as a sacrificial offering to God for a fragrant aroma.
3 Immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be mentioned among you, as is fitting among holy ones,
4 no obscenity or silly or suggestive talk, which is out of place, but instead, thanksgiving.

Now it appears I have put my family into more harm because your interpretations of the readings appear to be abusive to the children. You are wrong. You are not here. You haven't witnessed anything.

If you did witness anything. You would see a crazy MLC woman or something acting irrational.

I am the stable one. Somehow I had to fight it all out me. I was extremely overwhelmed. Online school full time. Working on this house, taking care of the kids every night. Getting hammered at work. Trying to pick up the pieces from a wife that left. Now becoming a mother and a father to these children.

Something else got my goat. She dropped the kids off her parents, because she doesn't trust them with me. That is absolute poppycock. She dropped them off at her parents because she wanted to go out and she didn't want me to know that she was going out.

Now is there someone else. I don't know. It could be the pig girl for all I know. This woman is a dedicated over protective mother that has entered the work force.

Even tonight she was yelling at me telling me to watch him when I was getting a hair cut. He was sitting right next to me. She is constantly afraid someone is going to take the kids.

Here is a mother that would never leave the childs side. Even in the front yard they had to be in view. A mother that never sees her children because she choose to leave and now works a freaky schedule.

Why would she dump the kids on her day off? Why would she rather be with someone else then be with her kids? She still tries to act like mother of the year, but she isn't.

Great I put my family in more danger. Life doesn't get any better, oh yeah!

My boss just notified today, that there may be no funding for me next year. So I might loose my job in the end of month.

My wife told me I was going to loose everything. Well it's starting because she is making it so.

If I loose my job, then I'm in jeopardy of loosing this house. A house I worked my a$$ off on. Remolded every single room. Put a 24x30 addition on. A new kitchen, another full bath. A giant deck. Etc... because its what she wanted, and DAM gave it.

It's all true... and now the woman doesn't love me anymore. Doesn't even want to speak to me.

I think I journal here to just hear the words. She is crazy LostPhil. She is crazy. She would wear a diaper and drive half way across the country, because that is the personality she has had.

I never knew how to deal with her.

You folks really have it all wrong...

Become more Christian.

She just texted me Good night... I think I'll go dark...

It doesn't, it 'stems down' to how that one person has been treated by OTHERS on the board who are forgetting their manners, and that includes Phil.

Have you noticed how posters are trying harder to be more polite to you?

I've noticed how you've become less hostile now.

So it was a good thread, it reminds us all that we're all very emotional and need to stay calm.

It's not all about you, it's about all of us reacting to your intense emotion.

So, in a way you got many of us to look at our reactions and change our tone. And you did too. So now we're communicating a lot better.