I'm heading to church with the kids, we will see what that brings. In the past it has always been a time of high emotion and all I can do to keep my tears inside. Today, I expect it to no longer be about W and me. I know that I've been back and forth in what I plan and about my current plan, I feel a sense of determination and a resolve that have been missing before. I feel like I've come to a place of peace where I will be OK no matter what happens and while I'm sad to be here, I'm equally thrilled to be grown finally and a man.
I can't imagine anything happening until October at the earliest as I need time to gather everything together, and to make doubly sure that this is indeed the right course of action. Coincidentally, it also gives W several more opportunities to see me and the changes that I have made.
Today has been different. I don't know what to do about life now that I'm nearly whole. Everything is different. Life seems to have a different color to it.
Church was fine, in fact the entire day was fine. I got choked up a few times, but, that was it and maybe I spent a little less time thinking about things. It was a nice relaxing day. It was the kind of day that you want a Sunday to be.
I took the kids over to W's work for free ice skating and we had a blast. Then, we all got our YMCA photo ids and that took a while and then W asked if I would mind going and getting her a coffee. I didn't mind and ended up walking over to the coffee shop and getting her a coffee. We had nice conversation and I was happy and upbeat and so on. Later, I sent her a good night text and she sent me one back. That was nice. Coming from where we were and all the high emotion and drama, nice seems wrong, like we're beyond love into apathy. I don't have a reference point for this except that I do know that I still love my wife and maybe she still loves me.
So, I come to the end of the day and I realize that because I needed her so badly, I could never see that our R was little more than survival on both our parts. Would I trade where I'm at for what I've become? I don't know. Life is much richer and at the same time much more peaceful now.
The relationship we've had as we were each trying to maintain our own identity while at the same time stealing from the other to complete our identity. We've spent 18 years fighting for what would make us complete.
I don't really know who I am any more. I don't react or respond the same way. I wish I could get the last 30 years back.
Just a quick update. I've managed a commitment to myself tonight to not drive around to her house and all her other "friends" houses to see where she's sleeping tonight. Had a couple of dumb nights doing that stupidity.
Then, had a tough time with D12. She was crying and missing her Mom. So, I went over to cheer her up and to support her and give her a hug and then, this was new, she said that she misses Mommy and Daddy together. I didn't know what to say to that. That was the closest I came to breaking down in tears today.
I'm finding that detaching also takes a little work and that snooping is the enemy of detaching.
Hey Dan...why not tell someone to hide your keys so you can't drive by her house? Also ask yourself what good it will be for YOU if you did drive by all the spots you think she might be. The time you spend driving "searching" for her could be spent with you kids.
How about letting D12 sleep with you tonight? Sometimes when my D6 is upset all she needs is to sleep with me.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Snooping is definatly a no no and a big enemy. I have acess to my hubbys checking account so anytime I want I can log in and see what he has been spending and where. I don't look anymore as it is none of my business now that our finances are seperate but I used to look when we first split and it would taint the way I talked to him and caused huge problems even if I did not address it directly.
I think it will also cause the way you speak about your w in front of your kids to be colored as well, unintentionally of course, so be careful! Dangerous territory.
The driving around is usually around 0200 so it's time I should be spending sleeping so that I'm not such a grouch the next day. I'm very careful to keep my mouth shut about my wife's activities in front of the kids and basically the person that they know is a pretty good person.
Like I said, I had a couple of days of stupidity, but, I'm growing past the need to know where she is sleeping. The snooping is all really tied back to my need to know without a doubt that she is being unfaithful. I have evidence that anyone looking at would come to the same conclusions that I have. But, because I spent so many years listening to my wife tell me that what I knew was wrong wasn't wrong, I can't trust myself 100% on this. This is what has been driving the snooping. I've had plenty of evidence for weeks. But, when I suggested in early July that perhaps we should see other people, she told me that she didn't want to do that and wouldn't until a divorce or separation had been filed. She was already involved at that point. See, I can't trust her and I trained myself to believe her. But, I'm realizing that I need solid graphic proof of her infidelity. Since I choose not to attempt to gather the hard evidence that I need and since I've already gotten what I can get via my snooping, there is really no point in further snooping. No, driving around was just a momentary insanity.
dan, you don't need proof... you want proof There is a huge difference. All you have to do is go to be bed before 2am! Try and get ready for bed and get settled watching a good TV program and before you know it 2am has passed and you're either asleep or getting there. If you focus on what you wanna do at 2 then you'll end up doing it. Focus on something else and give it a break. You're makinbg yourself sick and you know as much as we do.
Focus on ANYHTHING but your W and her actions. You can only control yourself.
Last edited by JenInVen; 09/09/0806:13 AM.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Now, why are we up at midnight exchanging messages on a forum? We should both go to bed. I would set the alarm clock. Like I said, I'm pretty much done with driving all over creation looking for my van. It only added marginally to my information pool and it gets real nuts spending a couple of hours driving around. So, like I said, I'm over that.
