Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Advice-Husband moved in with OW(I'm a Newby)

This is my very 1st time on a forum ever so forgive me in advance if I have posted in the wrong category. Please offer advice if your are able. He's moved in with her and I just need some advice.

Found out my husband of almost 19 years had an affair on April 23rd, 2008 about 4 months ago. He exposed to me and children. I have been with him since we were in the 8th grade. I am filled with sorrow. He is no longer recognizable as crazy as that sounds. Even his natural reasoning is gone. During a mothers day dinner he wanted me to agree to him living in another residence for 3 days a week saying it was normal and that I'm crazy and black and white. He has blamed it all on me. He drinks a lot now said had to to kill guilt and the more he did the more he wanted her. I am at a loss for words. I never wanted to do anything but be a good wife. After his revealing he was home for 2 weeks. He was very angry and I suspected sometime during the 2 weeks he went back to her. I asked him if he did and he kept saying no. I had hired someone to take pictures to prove it and sent it to him email. He then confessed he went back to her. He has been out of the home for almost 3 months and moved in with the OW on August 1st. I don't ask for much advice from friends or family as most of them have no idea as they have not experienced it. I am trying to educate myself as much as possible I have read Dr. Dobson's Love must be tough, And also read Divorce busters and implemented the last resort. I do not have contact unless absolutely necessary. But now that he has moved in with her I feel insane for even considering reconciliation. I almost could handle the affair if he'd stop lashing out at me via email. Please give me advise on what to do when spouse moves in with OW. Is this hopeless? Sure feels like it.

Trying2Live,

My heart honestly and seriously goes out to you. I know first hand how difficult it is when your spouse is cheating on you and you know that it is happening, but all of the lies makes you feel like you are going insane. My now xh wanted to be married to me but yet have his girlfriend on the weekends. That is really messed up, but he was trying to convince me that it was normal.

The first thing you need to seriously look at is if you honestly would want to take him back if it comes to that. Can you forgive and do what it takes to make your marriage work again after he has lived with someone else? If you can say yes to that, then continue GAL and having no contact unless totally needed. Wait and see what happens. Do things differently than you have been.

The really bad part about all of this is if your spouse does not want to come back. I read Dobson's book (Love must be Tough) and it really didn't say how to react when your H does not want to work on the marriage. Hence I am now divorced. I worked as hard as I could to save the marriage, but in the end he wanted to be with this OW and not me.

It isn't hopeless for you. I know it feels like it is. But the best thing for you right now is to focus on yourself and not your situation or husband. I know it isn't easy. Just take it one day at a time and hang in there.

Sara

Thanks so much. Any help or encouragement from any one is greatly appreciated

As hard as it is, you need to try to focus on yourself. Your H doesn't need or deserve all this attention. Do things that make you happy. Go out with friends, join a book club, treat yourself to a spa day, just do something different. Set goals for yourself.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. hugs.

kat

Yeah, what Kat said. I really do like trying new stuff. I've done some of that this year and it really helps me get my mind off my #s and my PMA up. I also think any kind of exercise you enjoy (or can endure? ) is good to get out some of the stress you are under.

It sounds like you are in the right place posting here, and the DBers here are great people and great friends!!! I think they've helped me WAY more than my therapist and prozac!!! Karen

You can make it through this. It isn't easy. Just keep posting here and we will do our best to help you through.

I know I could not have made it through this horrible time in my life without the support of my friends that I have made here plus my C and my family. I was treading water before I found this site and probably making things worse, not just for me but for H as well.

I may be divorced now but because of our family, FH will be part of my life for the rest of our days. Maybe not the way we pictured it, but he will be there.

We are here for you.

kat

T2L,

Our story sounds almost identical except for my H has had two affairs in the past 5 months. He moved out Aug 21st and the OW is 21 who works at his company. I cannot confirm that she is living with him but she is there quite a bit so its pretty much the same thing.

We have only been married a year come Sept 8th but we have known each other since high school. We have a 16 yr old daughter together. He left us when she was 2, married another woman, had a son with her, then divorced her when he was like 4 yrs old. We had been living together for about 6 yrs before getting married last year. As soon as we got married he changed. It was almost like he felt trapped, he wanted privacy, he just became a different person.

I am just starting to GAL and find things to occupy my time but it is the most hardest part to do. You must keep on living. Don't stop everything you are doing for your H. I did and sometimes I think that played a part in what has happened. I put him above everything even my daughter and now I know that was not the right thing to do. He took advantage and knew that I would always be there no matter what.

I have read several posts and it is like they become aliens...doing things you would have never thought they would be capable of.

H has not even been gone for 2 weeks and yesterday he came to pickup his son (this is a long story) because he has not changed him schools just yet and he gets there at 8pm and has the audacity to bring the OW with him!!!!!!!! I did not see it until they drove off. I was fuming!!! I immediately called him (of course he didn't pick up the phone) left a very stern message and then sent him several strong text messages telling him to NEVER bring that b%tch to my house EVER again. What he did was disrespectful, insensitive, and just plain cruel knowing we are still married, my daughter is devistated by the whole thing, and for him to have no decensy or to be so thoughtless was unreal.

So yes! I understand you completely!!!!! It does feel hopeless and impossible but it is up to you in your mind and in your heart to make that decision if it is or is not. I have continuously asked myself every day would I take him back? Some days yes but yesterday I wanted nothing to do with him. It is a constant inner battle until you become clear on what you truly want in your life. Start asking yourself questions about you and what you want not what you would do if he did this or that.

I hope this helps you.....sorry for rambling but this is a great place to get support and vent when you need too!

Feel free to contact me anytime!

Thanks so much for sharing. It does help and truly I go back and forth too. I miss him terribly, and then at times I question why would I even want to reconcile as he's just so darn mean. It's the most insane thing ever. He would have before called someone like him a nut or loser and even more he would have called the OW and loser but now this is his life. He tells my daughter, 17yr old, that he thinks about me every day. What is that? Then when I spoke to him 3 weeks ago he says to me I thought about you all and I miss you, how are you? What?!?!?!? Does it seem like they will do this to keep you kinda with false hope so they can have their cake and eat it too? I have been trying to keep living. ITs very hard, consumes my thoughts and little movies in my head on how happy they are. I started salsa lessons a few months ago and its helpful. I try and exercise or go for walks. It's just all a shock. I thought we were happy. Even my 17 year old daughter says mom we had a fairytale life. You and dad were so happy. Blah, Blah, Blah anyways I'm really happy I joined this forum. I feel like I'm among friends.

My H use to always tell me he would NEVER have an affair because it was not worth it because of the great R we had. We never fought, we had discussions but never raised our voices, our intimacy was never a problem, we always did everything together! So when the 1st A came out it was a complete shock to me and before I could even recover from that he hits me with another one.

The 1st A didn't work because that woman was M too and she had 3 kids. He did not want to be a father to those kids which is why that didn't last very long. He has always been adamant about not wanting any more kids at all. With the 2nd A this is just a girl whose 21 so she has no kids and no responsibilities so it was much EASIER for him to jump into that and was so eager to leave. Its pretty much a given that she is living there with him and his son.

My D who is 16 wants nothing to do with him. She is not taking his calls, responding to his texts, nothing. She said she is disappointed in him, she doesn't respect him, and that he is not the same person she knew and loved. She said she doesn't hate him but that it would never be the same. The other night when he came to get his son and had the OW, when I cried she told me that there is someone out there for me and that I didn't deserve this and that I was beautiful. That made me cry even more.

I am trying to stay focused and trying to see the light in things but its so hard when you see your H and just want to say all these things to change their mind. But they have to do that on their own.

Sometimes I feel like I can't do this. I can't wait 6 months, a year, 2 years, like some have done on this forum. How can you just sit and wait in the wings while your spouse goes and lives their life and when it doesn't work out with the OP then they come back to you? How is that right?