Sounds like you should plan trips even more than every 6 months.....not big trips like Hawaii, but weekend get-a-ways! Hope your connection continues to grow!!!
Matilda, My W and I are adopting a sheep dog. Her sister owns the mother, who had a litter. We had the dog visit twice, and he seems like he will fit nicely into our lifestyle. My W is very excited. She has a modest connection with the cats, and is looking for a more relational, though not high maintenance pet.
We're going to name him Amico, which is Italian for friendship. The dog's grandparent is from Italy, hence the Italian name.
My W is eager to plan the next vacation. I'm still enjoying the memories of the last one. I'm not sure where to go, though it will involve visiting a city, and possibly a beach.
My W has begun joining me for yoga class. She wants me to encourage her to go so she can work on toning her body.
We talk vaguely about the R. She mentioned that she's learned that the "grass is not greener elsewhere", though won't go into specifics. She seems more committed to the M.
At a dance venue recently, she spoke publicly about our vacation together. On her Facebook profile, she changed her R status to "In a Relationship."
She's still very private, but I see her slowly building connections in the dance community.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 09/30/0808:05 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak and Matilda, My W and I had a long overdue difficult conversation last night. She shared with me the pain she felt leaving the R five years ago. She was angry that I wasn't willing or able to address intimacy issues. It's true, at the time I was defensive and avoidant about it.
She wanted an apology. I gave her one. She said it lacked feeling, so I pulled out a poem I wrote earlier in the year. That seemed to be more validating for her. She said that she didn't know that I felt that way.
I pointed out that her sleeping elsewhere and keeping our marital status private communicated to me that she wanted distance. She told me that she may do it again. She also said it't clear why she did it (an indirect admission of a PA).
She again brought up her sadness about not having children. It seems like she wanted out of the M very early on, but failed to do so. She said that she would leave the M if she had a child.
She said don't think that everything is OK now that I've apologized. I said that I know it's a start.
After saying all of this, I went to the other bedroom to settle down, and since it was almost time to get up. She got angry because she wanted me to sleep with her.
She continues to fret about finances, yet is pushing me to plan our next vacation. She's fretting because there have been some recent home maintenance expenses--fence for the dog, yearly maintenance on the yard and driveway.
She calls the maintenance people to have the work done, and then when it's time to pay the bill, she gets angry with me, stating that I should have done the work. It's a double-bind with her on this issue.
It's confusing, but I'll hang in there and hold onto the positives (my own and relational). I'll start cuddling more in the bedroom.
She's going to have to be willing to work me with on improving our sex life. I'm not sure she is yet. She keeps thinking about the past.
We've had our sheep dog puppy for two days now, and he's an adjustment--going to the bathroom in the house, incessant barking, chewing wires and items. I like him and think that he will adust nicely to the houselhold. I hope that my W hangs in there with him.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 10/04/0803:25 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, Thanks. I'm grateful that I had it as an alternate means of communicating. She asked me to read the poem three times.
We were able to reconnect the next evening, by going out dancing. I'm able to see, even though it's poorly communicated, that my W wants to connect with me, yet is angry and frustrated with me at the same time. She enjoys the connection from the dancing, is frustrated with personality differences, and is angry/sad about aspects of the past.
Family politics has entered the dog situation. We adopted the puppy from my W's sister. She wants to micromanage our handling of the puppy; my W and I want autonomy. Training the puppy is difficult in and of itself.
My W has decided to return the puppy, fearing that that continued conflict between she and her sister would strain their relationship. We are disappointed and relieved.
We'll see how this plays out. Maybe we'll adopt a puppy from somewhere else.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Sounds like it's not the right time for a puppy, CL. You have worked so hard to "upgrade"(for lack of another word) your home and the puppy might have added some unwanted expenses. That, and as you pointed out it was causing stress with W's sister. Somehow I would be afraid your wife would blame you!
I hope the intimacy part will come soon!!!! That seems like the missing link from what you have written. Feel the fear and proceed to the next step!
It does sound like she is trying to work through a lot CL. It is good that she is starting to communicate feelings to you about your R and the past hurt.
I agree with Mat you need to move ahead on the physical intamacy.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 10/07/0812:28 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
