Dan, I love that you brought up the code of conduct because in a lot of way what you are going through is similar to what it was written for. your world is as foreign to you as if you have been captured by some unknown enemy. I can tell you for sure that every single person has their breaking point trust me I know, during my Level 3 Code of Conduct training they sure helped me know when I would break (literally) the absolutely most important aspect of that is that we will all break under strain but its how you pick your self up, and move on, redoubling your efforts to resist and back track from any wrongs you made when you slipped.
Dude I think that you are doing a fantastic job at the most challenging thing you will ever face in your life. no body knows the right thing to do so there for no one can judge what you are doing but you. Just keep doing what you can, and asking for help when, you feel you can't.
for me article 6 is the motivation article that keeps you going and connects everything.
I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States of America.
may be cheese but here is some motivation for you:
I will never forget that I am an devoted Husband, fighting for my Marriage, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my Marriage Strong. I will trust in my God and have hope and faith in my Wife.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
I appreciate the encouragement JWS. I'll get those GPS coordinates to you pronto
This post was going in one direction and then new interaction forces a re-write.
I have a friend who pointed out to me that often times we end up with our noses pressed against the painting, thinking we can see the whole picture. He also basically said if you're too close to the situation, make no decisions.
So, I'm trying to take a more logical and less emotional approach to things and analyze the situation listing things like known facts, assumptions, goals, decisions, predicted consequences, etc. I think this will help.
Back to the emotional roller coaster. In planning for our hiking expedition next week, I offered that we could spend the night in a motel close to the trailhead and that would save us time the next morning. She told me that she wasn't comfortable with staying in the motel together. Now, whether that is a result of the snooping last time she spent the night here, or because she wants to head off any expectations of intimacy with me, I don't know. Either way, I see no benefit in pushing things in that direction.
Now, then I stopped by her work to pick up a check and she told me I looked really tired. Well, I didn't get much sleep last night, but, I got plenty today. No, my eyes look that way from the crying sweetheart We then discussed whether she was picking the kids up in the morning and she was complaining about how she isn't getting any sleep and said that she leaves and tries to go right home and unwind and go to sleep, but, that she's only getting like 6 hours of sleep. My poor little baby. Maybe instead of going over to your boytoy's house after work, you should go to the house you pay money for and go to sleep.
I cannot stand the lying right to my face.
I'm getting less enamored with her right now. As my emotions subside, I'm less sure that I want her still. Yes, I know, that's yet another change in direction, thus, I'm wisely following Lola and my friend's advice to not be hasty.
Hello my friends, now for the next installment of As Dan's World Turns.
I spent some time this morning engaged in chasing down a cheeseless tunnel and then I came to my senses and stopped. I came home, got more sleep and pondered.
While in the shower, something occurred to me. W has agreed not to file for D until end of Jan and in CO, there is a 90 day cooling off period, and just by being a little obstinate, I imagine that I have a whole year ahead of me. In my life, perseverance has served me well. It is how I got the girl. It's how I graduated college. So, I've found a new strength to persevere.
Also, as I was in the shower, I realized that there is much more to life than my relationship with my wife. This may seem obvious, but, it was an aha moment for me. I believe this is the beginning of detaching and of truly getting a life. As long as I put massive amounts of time and energy into thinking about and worrying about and analyzing our marriage and relationship, it steals my energy and my strength for the rest of life. On top of that, if I understand DR correctly, especially when the marriage relationship is threatened, we who are trying to save it narrow our focus to the relationship and cast aside all the other things that make us attractive men and women. This is in harmony with that idea that the harder we try to hold onto something, the more it slips through our fingers.
As to the other issues I've wrestled with here in this last week, I truly don't yet know.
Hey smartie pants. It's good to hear from you. (((Julia)))
I know that I've been neglecting everyone else's threads, but, we all have our down times.
I definitely deserve an Oscar for my performance this evening. I was playful, I was positive, I was happy. I didn't mention the bottle of margaritas that I saw in her purse or the cigarettes I saw in the glove box. I'm starting to detach. I didn't say that I'd arrived :P
W was showing the me the house sale flyers she had picked up. Again, this confuses me as I don't know how she thinks that I'd get a huge mortgage on a house if we aren't going to be together. Oh well, I'm not going to let that bother me. She is starting to share a little more about her days, it's her nights that are off limits
I asked if she had fun on Monday at the Taste of Colorado. She said that she did, so I said that we needed to do that more often, go places together as a family.
D12 asked, "So, Mommy, you're coming home in January?" to which W replied "I don't, we might be moving." Who knows what she is thinking. I'm trying to put her out of my mind.
Oh, and thank God for sunglasses and long drives. I need to get some tissues for the car, but, it gives me a chance to cry and I'm going to keep crying until I'm all cried out.
Let's see, what else. I got a call from my best man regarding the job where he works that would be mostly work from home and he's going to try and get an interview next week as the guy that they thought they had for the job got a counteroffer where he is and decided to stay. So, that would be a huge plus.
My other friend pointed out to me that staying faithful and maintaining the moral high ground is important if things do go to D and W gets nasty. Which is an awful thing to need to contemplate, but, at some level, we all need to protect ourselves.
Since I took the day off, I went into Boulder and paid a bill, tried to take care of another errand and had lunch. Then, I came home, got my coat and went for a walk in the open space nearby. There is nothing like a cold overcast day when you're feeling melancholy. So, I'm sitting on a log in the middle of fields exchanging text messages with friends and taking phone calls from D12 about how her soccer practice was cancelled. I was making sure that I was away from the house so W wouldn't know I took the day off. Everytime I take time off, she gets concerned that I'm going to lose my job. I keep explaining to her that is why they give you vacation time.
Anyway, I'm going out with friends again tonight and I'm going to keep my friend in my pants and I'm going to figure out this detaching thing and this GAL thing and set my goals small. Right now, I just want to make it through September and then I'll quit Then, when October gets here, I'll decide to quit in November and so on. I remember using a strategy like this when I used to ride my bike to work and I had a huge hill to climb. I would promise myself that I could stop after 3 more reflectors and then 3 more and so on until I made it to the top.
Anyway, everyone have a great night and a wonderful weekend.
I've been following your thread for a while and I reluctantly have decided to write you this post as even though I'm the one that got walked out on this time....I was the one in the past that probably dangled H along the way your W is dangling you along so I have a bit of perspective. Please understand I have the best intentions in writing this to you and don't want to give you false hope, but some of the things your wife is doing remind me of things I did so I'm going to tell you what was going through my head and you can take it or leave it.
You see, my H and I have been through the mill throughout our R...he left me....had an EA...came back...things went on for a while and the hurt I tried to keep down regarding his EA reared it's ugly head and I began to have my own on-line EA which led to H finding out and then leaving again only this time, as he says, I didn't object to him leaving. So here is where your wife reminds me of me during that time....
Once H moved out I was free to do whatever I wanted. I talked on-line all I wanted, I talked to a guy at work that I wasn't even remotely interested in, knowing he WAS interested in me. I didn't find him in the least bit attractive, but his worship of me fed my wounded ego (I call it feeding my beast). Not a nice thing to do to him and an even worse thing to do to H as even though H wasn't living with me...I still maintained a relationship with him....kept in constant contact with him...never let him go. The reason I never let him go was because I never had any intention of actually "moving on" with someone else....I always wanted H to be there when I was done acting like a single woman. It was a very strange state of mind for me...I still loved H...the thought of having sex with someone else made me want to vomit (still does) but having men express their interest in me fed some void in my life and it wasn't until H found out about my double life that I was slapped in the face with the notion that if I didn't straighten my ass up I was going to lose H forever. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I feel like your wife is acting in a similar way....long term I think she knows she wants to come back to you, but it's like she's trying to get something out of her system. I just hope she doesn't wait too long and find out that you have moved on once she's done with this nonsense. I still regret those wasted years.....
Also, one other thing I wanted to tell you...you mentioned in an earlier post that W had gone to the doctor and they ran a pregnancy test on her....I want you to know I work in the healthcare field and for some conditions and before we prescribe some medications, even when a woman tells us she's not sexually active it's standard protocol to run a pregnancy test. This is because some women do lie about their sexual life and we don't want to prescribe something that causes birth defects for run a test that could cause harm to a fetus such as an xray. Additionally, when some symptoms are present STD tests are run despite a woman's lack of sex or monogamy. You see some women come in with symptoms and tell us they have only had sex with their husband, but from our perspective that doesn't mean their husband didn't have sex with someone else and bring something home to them. Make sense? Again...just another perspective....I have come to find out that I could state a case for H having another woman from pretty much any scenario if I let my mind go crazy enough. We get presented with so little data since the WAS tends to avoid giving us much info on the state of their affairs and we take these very small pieces of info and make great big stories out of them. I don't know about you, but I'm going to start cutting myself some slack in that area...it only hurts me.
My friends, you must all think that I'm crazy by this point. I hope not.
I've written and re-written this post a multitude of times and perhaps that's a good thing. I find it amazing how my perspective has changed as I've grown and changed. This last week has been so volatile. I've been certain of going in one direction and then equally certain in going in the other direction. Now, even since yesterday, I've moved on farther.
For every time that I've staked a position, I've grown and had to stake a new position. Last night, I was lying in bed reading a novel when new thoughts arose about what has been happening.
Why have I been sad? Was it because I've been missing my wife, missing her help in caring for the kids and the house? No, my duties are only slightly greater than before she left. Was it because I miss her affection and love? No, not really as that I received only as a reply. She returned my hugs and kisses. Was it because of her unfaithfulness? I had to think long and hard about this and, no, it isn't because of her unfaithfulness. No, I believe that my tears were the old man fearing being alone again even as the new man was gaining ascendancy. Which is to say, I'm pretty cried out.
My personal growth has been a great thing, a wonderful thing and a tough thing. The old me bore intolerable behavior in fear of losing what made him complete. The new me has no such need. I am complete in myself, I am enough. As a consequence, I'm finding that the new me is reluctant to tolerate things that the old me would bear, such as infidelity.
Here is where things get sticky. If she would turn her back on this behavior, I can easily forgive her. While she is still engaged in this behavior, I cannot forgive her and I will not tolerate it. So, I've decided that as soon as I'm able, to seek the solid proof of her unfaithfulness. Julia asked what I would do with it, what it would mean to me, and why I want it. I want to have an honest conversation with my wife and I don't believe that she will be honest unless I have that solid proof. What the solid proof means to me is, only the ability to trust myself. For a long time, I allowed my wife to convince me that there was nothing wrong with behavior that I found to be intolerable, to the point that I don't always trust myself. Lastly, the honest conversation that I believe that I need to have with my wife is very much in line with the after last resort technique of The Divorce Remedy. My intent is to have a conversation with her and to offer her a choice. She can choose me or choose them. Yes, I do understand that I might not like the answer, and I do understand that she might not be in a place where she is willing to choose me. I can't tolerate the infidelity.
It's scary to think about ending my marriage and I do regret what it will cost the kids, but, I don't know how else to reconcile between the immovable object and the irresistible force, and between the rock and the hard place that I feel.
I feel sadness, the sadness of loss and a sense of failure and regret. I'm sad at what this will cost my children and myself. Yet, I don't know what else I can do. Perhaps now, God can speak to my heart again. Perhaps now that the pain is mostly gone, I can stop long enough to hear. Perhaps I will hold off on this plan. I don't know. Things are very strange. I'm a new man and I don't know this person yet.
Maybe this is just another rant and my actual behavior will be quite different. I don't know. I only know that the writing of this post and the journalling here has helped me a lot.
Just my thoughts but why not, instead of confronting her with proof so she feels backed into a corner, asking her upfront for an honest conversation and then sitting down calmly saying you will trust her response and you won't get angry but has she cheated on you.
I think if you want honesty from her you have to be honest yourself and snooping isn't being honest. I just feel this has less of a chance into escalating into something else where you both misunderstand each other. She isn't going to be open and receptive if you sit there and lay evidence in front of her. After all when you asked about the pregnancy tests etc you got an honest answer and you felt better and that worked. Why not try it again before snooping and coming to your own conclusions.
OK, Julia, you make a valid point in that if I am confrontational then the odds increase that we will have a confrontation instead of an honest conversation. So, perhaps I don't use the information to bludgeon her into admitting to her unfaithfulness, but, instead I use it go quell my fears of falsely accusing her. You see, since she has already lied about what is going on, why would she change her tune just because I asked for an honest conversation? I didn't ask her about the pregnancy tests. I made two extremely subtle hints about her doctor appointments after she had brought up the topic and she mentioned that they had run pregnancy tests and the VD screen. In my mind, that is a far cry from me asking her did this happen and her replying that yes it did.
I'm sure that I will have some time to think on these things before having this conversation with my wife.
(((Julia))) I appreciate your input and that your cared enough to offer your advice, thank you.
We then discussed whether she was picking the kids up in the morning and she was complaining about how she isn't getting any sleep and said that she leaves and tries to go right home and unwind and go to sleep, but, that she's only getting like 6 hours of sleep. My poor little baby. Maybe instead of going over to your boytoy's house after work, you should go to the house you pay money for and go to sleep.
It's good to hear from you. (((Julia)))