Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? I finally figured me out. Maybe or not

Here live is our action news reporter.

Yeah, I was over there by the tomatoes and here he come, naked as a jaybird ...


Anyway, I had my counseling session today. Interesting. Last Friday, I asked W what she was doing for the long weekend and if she was going to be around. She said that she was planning on taking the kids somewhere fun on Monday and that I could come or take a break. My MC seemed to think it significant that she invited me. Then, after the session, I talked to W and she gave me a long update on the kids and I asked her about the Fri/Sat before my birthday. On Monday, I asked her if she would come out with me Friday night and Saturday for my birthday. Tonight, she asked where would she stay, would she stay at the house? The last time she stayed at the house was when I snooped through her phone and purse etc. I said that I was hoping to have more money available when I asked her and if she wanted, she could go sleep at her house. Then, she suggested that maybe we spend the day going on a long hike maybe even climbing one of the 14,000 peaks here. I told her that I would think about things and get back to her. The interaction was friendly and positive and to that degree it was good.

What else with my counselor. I explained a lot about where I'm coming from, things that are happening with me that I won't talk about in front of my wife. Things like that I've been out to the bar every weekend for the past 2 months hitting on pretty girls and they all love me. I did tell my counselor about one woman I met a couple of weeks back with whom I had a great connection and even though she lives on the coast, she insisted that I get her cell number and her card. IC thought it was significant that I was learning that it is possible to make connections with other people besides W. OK, fine. We didn't really map out a plan though she did reiterate that the DB principle is that bringing another person into the R just causes problems. That was of course in response to my assertion that if I find out for sure that my W is screwing around, then I plan to file for a LS and screw around myself.

Onward.

I've known the name of OM#1 and OM#2 for a while. OM#2 is the definite alternative and looks to be in danger of being pushed aside if W can find an easy way to do it. Then she can be dodging 2 guys. Anyway, I have OM#2's contact info and address, but, I could never get OM#1's address, I have his cell number.

Well, tonight, I was determined to get the GPS coordinates for JWS. First, I paid for the cell phone info, but, it looks like his mother's house. Then, I looked up his company's info in the state corporation filings and got an address and I grabbed the spare key fob to W's car and drove over and sure enough parked in the visitor parking is the van I'm paying on. I snooped the van and found the cell phone that OM#2 gave W and I browsed through it and I see that she isn't making or receiving a lot of calls from OM#2 and no texts. I imagine that she puts the phone in the glovebox because she doesn't want OM#1 to know about OM#2. I could cause so much drama for my own amusement right now. But, that really wouldn't help me move toward my goal which is to eventually build a great new R with W. I also thought about taking the van and driving it somewhere so that it looked like it was stolen when she got up in the morning, but, I had just asked her about the second key and then, I'd have to take the kids to school etc. Hassle, so I left it alone. I'm not quite sure where I'm going from here.

I'm truly not even upset right now. First, I don't know that she is being intimate with OM#1 though that's the way to bet. Second, I've burned out a lot of my drama receptors. This is the normal pattern. I got worked up to the point where I thought that I couldn't take it any more, I survived, and now I'm better. I don't approve of what she's doing. I don't like what she's doing. I won't condemn her for what she's doing. No matter what happens, I will continue to DB and work on me and try and find ways to do 180s. I saw that W had picked up sale flyers for houses in the city where we'd like to live. Again, I don't know what she is thinking if she thinks that I would obligate myself while in the shadow of a divorce.

Maybe this all sounds crazy and weird. It does, but, I'm really pretty OK with things right now. She isn't going to run out of what she is giving away. She wasn't giving any of it to me anyway. So, in many ways I can ignore it.

However, I still need to KNOW if she is unfaithful as that will direct my actions and I'm not sure how to proceed on that count. I did note that the window for the bedroom above the garage had flickering lights like the TV was playing and the window blinds are open. So, someone could definitely put a little camera on the outside of the window and get some video. Some might ask, wouldn't that just cause me more pain? Perhaps some, but, not really. I'm really pretty detached right now.

We will see where things go. I may decide to do nothing, but, continue DBing. I may hire an investigator. I don't know.

But, I love my W and I can forgive her and I do think that I'm seeing some very small signs of life.

So, that's my update.

Dan

Dan

I'm wondering. Do you want to find out she is with someone else for definite so it'll give you the green light to go off and get some experiences with other people. Are you feeling you need this? Do you feel like finding out she has been unfaithful will make it ok for you to that? Almost like she is giving you the excuse you need.

I'm not judging you at all, if you choose to go off with other women that is your choice. It isn't as though we, as LAS, become nuns or monks or suddenly have no desires of our own. I'm not asking you to divulge if you don't want to here, I know what I am asking you is quite personal. I just want you to question yourself, or your motives.

Why do you need solid proof of adultery? What will this mean to you? And what will your actions be if you find this proof?

Dan,

I hope that you can take this for how it is intended, I wrote a more PC version but my computer crashed as I was posting it, now i am short on time and you get the "wall to wall counseling" version, but its out of love my friend

in 5 years you may or may not be married, that woman may or may not be your current W, but you will still be you. Everyone changes but the person you are at your core is made up of cretin values and choices. this can be summed up as Honor, and it is the most valuable trait a man can have.

I don't really give a damn about OM1 or 2 I care about you. your actions are the only one that can be controlled here and this kind of snooping needs to stop, and NOW bro. just think of all the time you wasted going through that van, when you could have been hanging with friends and doing something fun.

I do understand the need to know, but all it is doing is killing you. decide right now Does her cheating change the end goal for you. If YES then get out your pen write up a D and move on because if she has not yet your pushing her there. (what if she caught you at her van). if NO, then put it all out of your mind and ignore it because believe me worrying won't stop it.

On to gals in a bar, thats great and I know that having ladies be nice to you is amazing, but again you are your own man and you live with the choices you make. think about the kind of man you are and want to be. "well my wife screwed around so now its my turn" if you waited for your W to be your first partner do you really want some gal in a bar to be your second. Trust me man I know a lot of manwhores and they are no happier. when you are ready to find someone else and start dating, don't sell your self short and jump on the first pretty gal that says yes just to get laid, it won't help.

Dude I totally understand if I need to drive to CO to burry 1 or 2 bodies because we all have our breaking point, but I am not worried about driving there to kick your own ass for your own good. Man, I am not trying to start any online fights here but I call them as i see them and I think you want better for yourself then this recent behavior, and i'll help you get there even if it means being a prick.

I need to add I have made a lot of these mistakes and expect the same ass kicking when it's needed.

Please my friends, never hold back your honest advice. This is the best I can do.

I'm Atlas condemned to bear the world on my shoulders.
I gave all. I bleed my life out minute by minute to provide for my family. I gave my heart to one woman completely. I'm the faithful husband and dutiful father held captive to the expectations and responsibilities thrust upon me. I cannot fail, the world rests on my shoulders.

Yet, who cares for the Titan? Does anyone even see him? He is permanence and stability, bedrock. His labor is expected, the fruits of his labor their due.

"In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him
til he cried out in his anger and his shame
I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains
Yes he still remains"

I'm weak. I'm too weak to quit and too weak to go on. I feel like the good well-behaved child who never caused any problems for his parents who once away at college flips a 180 and goes crazy. I want to go crazy. I want to cast off the shackles of the expectations and responsibilities and I want to live. I want to experience love and joy and happiness instead of duty responsibility and pain.

JWS, you talked about how I could have spent time with friends instead of investigating my W's van. I should have been sleeping, but, I don't have time for friends and quite frankly, don't have too many of them anyway.

Julia, you asked if I'm looking for permission. Maybe, it's hard breaking free from expectation. What do I hope to gain from solid proof. One thing I hoped from it was something to force my W to have an honest conversation about it, but, I'm also realizing that may not be possible. I wish she was a mean nasty b*tch. It would be much easier to move on. Instead, she is being nicer and better to me than ever while killing me quietly with her unfaithfulness.

I don't honestly know what's going to happen. I'm being forced to choose between untenable positions, between equally bad options. I talk a big talk, but, I know that I'm not ready to take that step yet, while I'm hurting so much that I may.

Dan

(((Dan))) I feel your pain. I have been where you are. It sucks bigtime.

Remember this, do not make any major life decisions until you are ready.

Have you seen a C???

your not weak man. This is just uncharted playing field. Hey I am right about to go kills some bandits and our flight call sign will be titans for you.

I say get a zombie on FB and kick some a$$.

Dan I understand the need to snoop. I'm not perfect either I have too much access to too many things. But there was a time where I found too much of my energy being consumed by tracking what amounted to petty things. Sure I eventually found some stuff but at what cost to myself. That and the info didn't help. if anything it altered my actions to be less DB aligned. We cannot control our W's, only ourselves.



I feel as if you are speaking from my own heart a few months ago. I felt a huge need to get myself back out on the market. I've had the same attention from the ladies and it feels great. Thankfully, I realized that not only am I not ready for that yet but that I was discovering a whole new part of myself that was free of Dependence from or to another person. I am now learning that I can have that really fun life with my kids, friends, myself and I don't have to "go crazy" to find the fun that I'm looking for.

I'm not the type to preach to you, I just want you to take your time and think. Grant yourself the ability to make the best descisions possible. Who know's what the future will bring...

Thanks again and always.

JWS, I found an analogy in the Code of Conduct. With respect to resistance to interrogation, the Code recognizes that we are not superhuman and we may break. I feel like I've been operating under the old code which had no such understanding. I've reached the breaking point, so, yes, I am giving myself permission to if necessary ease the pain and the hurt enough to continue pursuing my main goal which is and has always been to build a wonderful relationship with the mother of my children.

HTTE, the ability to make the best decision possible, I like that and I have. It may be that I do nothing, sometime knowing you have a way out is enough. However, I'm no longer going to beat myself up if I do take my escape option and I reserve the right to decide on a moment by moment basis whether to exercise that option or not.

I've resisted as long as I can. I've hung in there as long as I can. I'm not perfect or perfectly strong, I'm doing the best that I can.

Which is the higher goal? Is it better to remain completely faithful and be forced to end the marriage or is it better to relax the boundaries of the marriage in an attempt to save it?

This has been my struggle and I've tentatively made a choice.

Dan