Only Christ managed to walk this earth and do it perfectly.
The rest of us? Well, we do the best we can.
The disintegration of a marriage and the breaking of what were thought to be lifetime vows is difficult to accept and deal with. It shakes our foundation because most of us filed our marriage away under the label "Things you Can Count On." If that one turned out to be wrong, we start to wonder how many other misfiled things there are floating around in our life.
I think that is why it is very important to keep telling yourself that the current state of things is NOT your decision. This separation is driven by a decision made by your wife. Yes, you both had plenty to do with the alienation of feelings between the two of you, but SHE is the one who decided to take back her promise and move on.
That makes this HER show.
Her actions and words are screaming at you "YOU DO NOT RUN THINGS ANYMORE." It's completely irrelevant whether you ever did or not. In the case of your wife, perception is reality. There is so much going on in her right now - anger, recapturing of unattached youth, independence, freedom, hostility.
You cannot compete with all these things that are running through her head. Your words do not get through the noise that's already there.
And the relief they give you at being able to express your frustration is short lived and only leads to deeper animosity between the two of you.
You are making decisions out of FEAR of her and her response.
Christ, our model, did not make decisions based out of fear.
Do you think, before he cleared the temple of the moneychangers, that He thought long and hard about what their response would be? Do you think he pondered whether or not his actions would cause them to become irate and hostile? No, I don't think so.
There are some RIGHT things that need done here. And her response may well be ballistic. But if they are truly RIGHT things, they need to be done and someone has to have the courage to do them.
She lacks that courage. Truth is, she is incapable of seeing beyond her next minute.
No, I'm afraid the burden falls to you Phil.
She has chosen a life apart from you. It is time for her to truly HAVE that life apart.
Things you really need to consider doing, even if you think/know it will cause her to "destroy a county in PA."
1. Establish a child custody schedule. And I would recommend doing this legally through a lawyer and the drafting of a temporary child custody agreement. It does not matter whether she wants to or not. If she has chosen to leave, the court can rule on who should have the kids and when. Then she abides by the court decision or faces a charge of contempt of court.
Phil, I know you balk at this. But your kids have been bounced around enough. More than enough. They need a schedule. And that schedule does NOT include grandparents watching them on a regular basis. Frankly, as a father myself, I would absolutely INSIST that if my spouse were unable to care for them that I got the first chance to do so.
2. Begin financial separation in earnest. This means separate insurance, separate bills, and at least beginning to think about how the two of you will choose to handle the house. Get her name off of anything that YOU are responsible for. Get YOUR name off anything that SHE is responsible for. Again, this would best be done legally.
3. The house is YOUR residence now, though both of you retain title at this point. You cannot come and go at her residence - she should not be able to come and go at yours. Particularly since she tends to come to your residence swinging and lashing out.
4. End the phone calls and text messages for good. All it does is provoke one or both of you. She should provide you with her preferred contact number and you should do the same. Contact should be limited to necessary calls only.
Phil, someone needs to begin doing these things. I'm pretty sure it won't be her.
Our job as men is to do what needs to be done to protect our family.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
We had a great day. The kids experienced life the way it should be. No heartaches. No nagging.
They learned how to swim.
After leaving family picnic.
We went to town.
Road the incline. Got real ice cream. Went to the lookout. Went to the plaza and watched the dancing fountains. Got fake tatoos airbushed.
Daughter said it was the best night of her life.
I took picutes on the phone and sent them to wife.
On the way home I crashed a little. Went down in the funk. We had to visit her at the her work, the ice cream store.
She was so beautiful. She looked tired. She said they were so busy today.
Got home with the kids. They were exhuasted.
When she picked them up. She looked Sad. She looked really sad. She missed the day with the family.
This is her decision. Here and I didn't have that much interaction. But when I did, I looked her in the eye. I can tell she didn't want to leave. She looked sad. But off she went.
I went to bed. DB alarm clock went off. I'm writing.
Bworl... Christ didn't have a concious to care what others thought, or how they would react. You either had faith in him or loved Him.
He wouldn't care one iota what anybody thought.
Here is where it gets scary. He gave them grace.
They would have had the tenacity of grace to realize their wrong doings.
We meaning you and I, do not have that luxury. To know or not to know.
I need to keep her calm. I told you that in the beginning. I'm telling you know.
Does doing what you said bring me closer to my goal?
Shut her down... She is the one still holding on. Keeping it on the back burner.
The letter, the forms for taking her off the insurance. Sit on the counter. She saw them. She said I don't pay child support. What is stopping her from filing. What is stopping her from taking the forms and taking herself off the insurance.
I asked her in the past. Do you want to loose the house? No answer. Let's talk about financials. She doesn't want too.
She doesn't want a schedule.
I burned her today. In text. I told her she needs to run the ice cream shop and make her own schedule. She needs to take over.
When she picked up the kids. I called her boss lady.
She wears a polo shirt and different color pants. She doesn't have to wear the visor anymore. She is moving up. She needs to run it. She needs to fire B girl. She needs to run it. I didn't tell her to fire B girl. But she knows she needs too.
B girl is ahead of her there. Under B girls wing. She needs to rise above her.
I could run it. Sleeping... That's me... I can do anything. Anything I want or put my mind too.
I'm putting my mind to fight for this family. Slow... Hard... dumb, sometimes.
What works... You don't know what works until you reached your goal.
I am so happy you had a good day with the kids....now that's what I'm talking about ggod job L/P!!!!.Now as far texting her pics.. to tell you the truth I personally would of done the same..I would probably think in the back of my mind ....this will open up her eyes....
But I think that is all wishful thinking on our part..but I am glad the children had fun...now see L/P calling her the Boss Lady sounded to me like a smart comment...did this do anything to her? Did it start anything? I hope not... you did not say it did...
As far as you asking her those questions about finances as my husbands puts it "I CANT TAKE THE PRESSURE AND YOU ARE NOT HELPING"... it goes to show they are all not there...do you really have to cancel her out of the ins. If you do not pay child support then do it... what harm can it do, can you afford it? if so then pay it...do it as a love gesture...
I am so proud of you for doing what you did for the kids....they will always have those memories wish I could of been there to see their faces...and you are right this is her decision on her life right now ... but Honey don't read too much into what she says, what she does,or how she looks...it will burn you as it has me soooo many times...
What you did yesterday keep doing it... and pray pray pray this can not be stopped it must be done everyday...I can't count how many times a day I pray, at my desk, driving,at home, while cooking... not long prayer just me talking to my heavenly father. It really helps honey, believe me ok.
Let me give you an example, because unless you actually experience Gods presence a person will never understand..like when I start to think about what my husband has done to his family..I want to call him and tell him off.. it's all your fault...I hate her for what she has done to our family...you have and done so much harm to us...and the attacks of the enemy go on and on....right then I start praying... The Lord's Prayer and every single scripture that I can remember I just start to pray until the thoughts and emotions go away and that L/P is how Christ is..
When she is being nasty and laughing at you, in your mind call upon him and start praying for strength to just ignore her and he will help with that he will never leave you nor forsake you it just feels like it but he is still there... have you read the Footprints in the sand....well that is exactly what he does carry us thru those times.
Don't let the enemy win everytime she is mean and nasty by responding exactly the way he wants you to respond and blow it ...Like I said have a Christ like mind....
I am not saying there will not be days that you just can't help yourself and strike back at her,but the more you do this it WILL get better and better....I believe he makes us go this so we can have a closer walk with him...And we do start that process when we cry out to him.First start off by asking for forgivenss for.... yourself
Great job ... keep it up and show the children as you did yesterday that they are more important than your wife right now...let God deal with her..he will start speaking to her...
One more thing have you gone to the website I got from MWG/SF??? It is http://www.rejoiceministries.org It has been so helpful to me and this is how my walk with Christ has grown....lots of scripture in there check it out ok..
again geart job... pat yourself on the back and keep it up... and yes I wish we could talk to each other sometimes or at least have email addresses but those are all no no's and I would hate to get banned from here this has also been a blessing to me especially BND...MWG-S/F one in the same...butterflymom...valentine...cinderellaman... and I could go on and on... the list is long..
Hey Phil, glad you had a good day with the kids. That's the best thing for them right now. Be with them and have fun with them. They will remember this time, they will remember you being the one they could rely on. This is important. Seriously, 20 years from now they will look back and remember that you were they for them at this time. Be there.
You are also getting some good advice here. What Bill said might be scary but it's the right thing. IRMAC, I have said the Lord's Prayer so many times over the past 2 years, I cannot even count them. That is how I get through the day, sometimes. Just rhythmically praying it over and over and over.
Quote:
The flipping part. She said why don't you please give me a divorce. I said do it yourself. You don't have the intelligence to do it.
The first response was a good one - "do it yourself." Absolutely the right attitude and response. If she wants a divorce she can go and get one. There's no "giving" here. If you want to be funny you can say "you know what? I would 'give' you a divorce but I don't have one. You'll have to get it yourself." If you want to be serious and empathetic you can say, "I don't feel that is necessary right now, but if that's what you want to do, I cannot stop you." There are a million ways to say "it's your choice; do it yourself."
The second part, the insult, was not the right thing to say. If that is how you really feel, why do you want to be married to her? Seems to me you're hurt and you are lashing out at her, insulting her. It's not going to do any good to pick a fight. It will make her feel better about divorce. And putting myself in her shoes, I wouldn't want to be married to someone who thinks of me that way -- "not intelligent enough". I cannot imagine that is attractive to her.
ps: This is not me "smashing Phil". It is like football practice. you missed a block, your guy got tackled. Now what should you do better next time?
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Hope you have a blessed day. (((hugs))) BND X
Last edited by dbmod; 09/08/0803:00 AM.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Looks like the museum is closed, so I texted her not to bring them early.
She gave me her schedule last night. She works almost every evening. This is not going to be fair to the kids. I'm going to tell her again, that on nights she works. They need to stay with me.
not that I would ever do this, but if I were, hypothetically, to search on facebook, what the heck would I search for?
Of course you wouldn't!
But it was a challenging question......so I tried it.
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pretty cool.
But not an acceptable thing to do......so uhm.....yeah!
Happy Monday!
Hi Phil !
Hugs,
Jeanette
Last edited by dbmod; 09/08/0802:47 AM.
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Something that may help with all of the different posters that speak to you here are reaching out to you because they care. Whether they are speaking to you the way you respond best or if they are speaking to you in a way that is frustrating, they definitely care. They want what you want...you and your family restored. They especially care about Phil. I believe that is God trying to say. "Phil, I love you!"
IRMAC suggested the daily emails from Rejoice Ministries. That is an awesome idea. It helps keep me focused and it is amazing how often the specific messages seem to address the thoughts I have for the day.
I admit I dont know your entire story and what has transpired through this entire ordeal for you but I can say that I am reading about a man that loves his family intensely and wants to not only obey Christ but has the desire to restore his family.
You are not alone.
Something I want to share with you. I dreamt about my wife last night as well. It was tough waking up because the dream was really nice. Even after nearly two years of being apart, it was as if we were connected and together. Then I woke up.
I am not saying this to make you reflect on your own situation negatively but to let you know that hope rests in Him. For me, I gave up controlling the situation awhile back. I do not have a perfect relationship with my children but it is much, much better than before these problems surfaced between my spouse and myself.
My W is now texting me in kind ways (still rare) when before she had nothing to do with me. Will we only be friends in the future? I have no idea. All I know is that I trust Him who has promised that He will see that I prosper if I am faithful to Him and do not give up. I know some incredible scripture that has helped me get through some extremely tough times. (I probably cried every night for months, with her gone from our bed).
My W also works nights. I had trouble deciding how to handle this "problem" but was able to let her know that I would do anything to make sure that she could see/have the children when it was more convenient for her and the children. I told her that it was as important to me as it is to the children and to her that they get to spend as much time together as possible.
Can I recommend that you say the same to her? I am not in your shoes and not fully familiar with your situation so it may not be appropriate or feasible. I have even said to my wife that I would prefer that the kids be with her than regularly staying with other relatives if I am unavailable. I was inferring the same for the situation in reverse by using that "tactic".
Phil, I don't claim to know everything because I surely don't. I have added you and your family in my prayer list.
I hope today is a wonderful day for you.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
