Megan-- I never realized how much a person could hurt. When I had heard the word Divorce before, this level of pain was unfathomable; I just had no concept. And I cried with the Sprint guy, too! I got a call from them saying that the account had been modified as requested and I was on my own plan, now. x had done it without telling me.
At this point, I am really amazed that I lived through it. You don't think you will when you are going through the worst of it. I never thought that I would start to feel better. But, little by little, you do.
I was thinking about his perceptions, too....I have tried to be careful not to discount or negate how he felt about things. I understand that he felt miserable, unappreciated, disrespected, etc. I had tried to get him to hear how I was feeling, though. That I felt appreciation and respect for him, and love. We obviously were feeling two very different things. But you're right; he doesn't care how I was feeling, just what HE THOUGHT I was feeling. So, very much past time to let that go, too. He will only understand that which he wants to understand. **** So, onto yesterday. I had my IC appt. She agreed to leave him to his own devices regarding the pool. And, isn't it a surprise that he is starting to feel the consequences of his choices, and they are still all my fault? She wants me to get my defenses up when he starts in like that on the phone - self-protective. I have to get my guard up faster. I had let him wear me down in that other convo, to the point where I got to hear too much of what a terrible person I was (again).
I got to practice this last night. I had emailed him to let him know he could come over Sunday to get the rest of his things (he has some tools, a few baseball memorabilia, etc.) During the prior convo, he had bullied me into agreeing on today. But I realized that I wasn't ready for it to happen today - it is my day with the kids, I am still pulling tools out from around the house, and I wanted to have a good idea of what was going to be taken out.
I emailed and just said Thurs won't work for me, afterall, and that Sunday evening when he drops off the kids would be fine.
He freaked out. Called me, screaming. I said I won't listen to him yell at me and hung up. He called again. Why are you doing this? he asked. I said that I didn't have to explain myself. He asked again. I repeated my answer. He asked again. I said, look, not everything involved or revolves around you-this has nothing to do with you. Sunday will be fine. He started yelling again so I hung up. He called again and I told him that the kids were within earshot of this whole thing, and I won't be spoken to this way. He said he would show up with a sheriff to get his things; I said that would be fine. The phone went to static (I think he threw it).
He called another 3 times; I just went about doing what I have to do to get the kids ready for bed. At one point, my D9 answered the phone; he spoke nicely to her then hung up. I brought garbage out, and came in to find my S13 on the phone. He hung up and said that dad had just apologized, but he really wasn't clear what the apology was for.
He called once more and I told the kids to just let it go to the machine. No message. And not an ounce of emotionality from me. Just finished spending time with the kids and tucking them into bed.
I got this email before I went to bed:
Quote:
i will be there on sunday without fail. if there is any problem i have already discussed it with the bethel pd and they will gladdy escort me to retrieve my belongings. i would hope that you are done playing games and we can get past this bullsh!t. i have been trying to get these few things for almost 4 months. t is enough already. i will be there at 7:30 as not to interupt my time with the kids.
It has only been 4 months in his head. Closer to one. Up until then, he had no place to store it all. And I didn't take well to being TOLD what day he was coming to get it, so I had to make a schedule.
Whatever. Why is it that when one party starts to act more rationally, the other appears to be apesh!t? And yeah, I realize I was the one who was apesh!t for quite a long time....
I remember early on in this sitch, x had said that love and hate were very similar. I had no concept of what the he!! he was talking about. Maybe this is it...?
Doesn't matter. I don't want him as he is. Emotionally stunted. Just going, with little or no introspection or thought to consequences.
Had a good day at work and later with my kids. I am really enjoying having a student teacher with me this year. I had one last year, but really leaned too heavily on that girl--she kept me afloat, and I assisted her, to a large extent. She was awesome and rose to the occasion; I'm just happy that she got a job this year. I can't believe how lucky I got to have someone so advanced.
This year, my student teacher actually needs the direction, and I am getting a lot by being there for her. It always makes your practice tighter, when you are instructing others on how things should be done. I've gone back to basics and written lesson plans again with her, developed long-term planning, showed her how to do an order (and didn't procrastinate in getting it done this year!), had her observe and offer modifications to lessons, etc.
The kids are balking a bit at the new routine, but I know that it is going to make the household run smoother, and with less stress and arguments. Why does it seem that they both got to the "But, WHY?" stage at the same time? And of course, I made the mistake for too long in trying to explain. Now, I am using the dreaded words of my mother: BECAUSE I SAID SO!
Things were too packed to go out to dinner last night with CR. So, I emailed him and he responded that we will get together again really soon. He is set to call me tonight, which will be nice. We have to figure something out, since our kids are on opposite weekends.
Early to bed again tonight after some laundry, then its FRIDAY My college friend is coming up for an overnight on the way to a baptism, then a quiet weekend with lesson plans and house blessing (cleaning). I'm haulin' tools to one spot for easy pick-up!
Well, got a message from CR that it doesn't look like it will work out, after all. Our schedules are just too packed. Oh, well. It was a nice night out, anyway
Who has time for a social life when they have primary custody? And, I'm actually got a pretty full life with my other activities, friends and work right now. So we'll see if God drops someone in my lap (as C2H likes to say).
Otherwise, bff from college is on her way, and we'll get a chance to eat out and relax a bit.
Finishing the Spiritual Divorce, but also a few books on ideas for lessons. I was greeted at the beginning of school with yet another curriculum, layered over the standard one I am supposed to integrate. Now we have reading, writing, math, sci, SS, Peace, and the new International Program. Oh, and I teach art
On another note, I was reading a bit on here, and I started to well up.....
I loved him. I have always loved him. And he betrayed me, broke his vows.
I think I am still blaming myself for a lot of it. Like the hidden fears buried inside all these years were really true.
And I have to forgive myself.
I have forgiven him, but I think at the expense of forgiving me. And that can't work.
There is a fine line between being introspective and honest for our parts in the mess that lead us here, and taking on all of the blame. I think I erred on the side of the later.
But I can't help but be so very sorry. Sorry for losing what was so important to me. Sorry for not being able to fix it for my kids, for all of us. Sorry that he hurt.
Wow, Donna. Sometimes I come on here to lurk and see if I can feel less alone in my journey. I identify with what you have written - I am stuck in the same place and struggling to forgive and heal myself. It just blows me away when other people, like you, are willing and able to write so honestly about their experience and it is so helpful to know that others share this struggle.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
My college friend is coming up for an overnight on the way to a baptism, then a quiet weekend with lesson plans and house blessing (cleaning). I'm haulin' tools to one spot for easy pick-up!