Piecing Friends, My parent's 50th wedding anniversary party was special. I was so glad to be a part of it. I read a poem as my contribution to the program.
My W didn't go, but as I've said, no pressure. She makes her own decisions regarding her relationship with my family.
It's back to Piecing.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My h and I are also piecing, and My h also doesnt want to ever face my family or our old friends very often.He has come to about 3 out of maybe 15 gatherings he should normally be at with me this summer in regards to family and friends celebrations.
It is so hard on me that he treats these people this way. They all think that he just doesnt like them since now he does everything with his new friends. It is causing me a major feeling of being torn between doing things with him or with all of them alone. I hate it. It often makes me feel jealous of what he is doing when I go to these things alone. Like he is up to something and needs time away from me to go do it. Most of the time though when I go to events alone, he will just go to the bars and drink.
Last sat. I went to my parents camp and celebrated my mom's b-day with them alone as usual. When I got home I text my H that I was home and chilling. He said he was too drunk to drive over & that he would see me the next day. However, at 3:30 in the morning I got a call from him to come and bail him out from getting a DWI warning. He blew a 2.2 (bac).This is the third time he has gotten a warning for DWI instead of being arrested when he blows well above the legal limit.
I dont know how to deal with this behavior? How do you do it, with out letting it bother you when your wife doesnt want to be around people from her past? TIPPER
Tipper and Matilda, I feel disappointed that my W doesn't attend my family functions, however, I think it's more discomfort on her part that she doesn't attend. It's not enjoyable for me when she attends family functions--she's not able to relax. She connects with my family in the manner that she's comfortable with (short visits).
The poem I read was not written by myself. It was titled, The Longlyweds. I enjoyed reading it, and contributing to the event.
I met my W for dinner at the hotel she's staying at for her job. Her agency is hosting a convention for several days. We chatted poolside after dinner. When we parted our separate ways, she gave me a hug (first time in probably several years).
I've cut back my evening work hours, now that my supervisor is no longer with us, so that now I'm only working two nights until 7PM. This frees me up to attend a yoga class, which my W plans on joining me for.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
The Longlyweds--sounds like a great title. Where/how did you find it? Sounds like a great idea for my parents.
CL, I have high hopes for a burst of intimacy during your vacation. Hawaii seems like a great place for that!!! The hug is a good start!!! The hug--you said the first in years....did you mean that as a public hug....or just any hug?
Glad to hear you are taking time for things you enjoy--like yoga.
Matilda, The title of the poem is the Longly-weds Know by Leah Furnas.
The hug is the first hug of any sort in several years (unless my memory is flawed). I can't seem to recall one in a LONG time.
My W is more revealing of her own struggles about various things. She's let me know that she is fretting about the trip, and wants me to keep her grounded.
It felt great leaving work an hour earlier last night, with my new schedule, and going to a yoga class.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Piecing Friends, My W is anxious about her chronic cough. She fears that it is too late to quit smoking. She has diagnosed herself with COPD, and worries that it is not reversible. I told her that the best option is to quit, and see how far her body will heal. I hate to see her suffer, however I know that there has to be a catalyst for her to change, and it will likely be uncomfortable.
She also mentioned that she thinks of her life as a failure. We were in the car on the way to dancing, so didn't pursue it further.
She hired a maid to do some housecleaning today, as she is stressed by our failure to keep up with it. She also is going to hire a lawn service to do some work, as she doesn't like the quality of my work.
We joined a small group afterwards at a restaurant to socialize. I've decided that I'm going to work on being more comfortable with letting others see the imperfections of our M--namely her complaining and passive-aggressive comments.
A peer commented that I was very patient with her, after she complained that I didn't prepare her salad the way she wanted, that we shared. Of course the goal isn't to be a victim, and to play an innocent role. Rather, it's to work on detachment, and to enjoy myself in a group, when my W is present. If she's on poor behavior, I can distance myself, and enjoy other's company. My guess is that she wants me to be embarrassed by her comments.
My guess is that she's not going to be able to triangle people into validating her complaints about me, as they see me as a good guy who takes his W dancing and patiently tolerates his W's poor behavior.
She did cheer up after we got to the dance venue, and afterwards at the city square to watch the political convention speech. I had a good time, in spite of her mental lapse.
Our connection to the dance community continues to broaden and deepen. Social connection is a balm to daily stressors.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 08/29/0802:22 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My guess is that she's not going to be able to triangle people into validating her complaints about me, as they see me as a good guy who takes his W dancing and patiently tolerates his W's poor behavior.
Ahhh...this looks like a spot-on explanation for W's "privacy" issue. You are a very patient man CL. I hope you enjoy your weekend!
Aud, Hey, the light bulb didn't go off for me. Can you explain in a different way?
I should have elaborated, and said as the dance community gets to know me better, she will be less able to triangle people into validating her complaints about me, and people will see her poor behavior for what it is.
I don't intend to get people involved, but it's nice to have nonverbal validation from people. I can tell when they notice her poor behavior (I get a private gesture or look).
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
