Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? The Grind - all the work with minimal results

Hello and thank you (((Julia))) and (((Jen))) and the rest of you.

I feel like my personal growth comes after the times when I'm sure I must break and so feel like I would be short changing myself to escape from the growth opportunities through drugs.

This week was rougher because on top of the normal stress of my R, school started and I had the disappointment of the remote job and I've been the on-call person at work all week. So, it's just been a tough week.

I've got a question for everyone. I'm seeing a disconnect between what my W says and does. OK, I know we tell everyone to not believe what they say and only half of what they do. So, I guess I'm in that place right now. W works nights and never the same schedule two weeks in a row. So, if we ended up D like she says we are going to, I fail to see how she is going to be able to share custody of the kids and keep this job. Yet, she has made no effort to find another job with better pay and more regular hours. Additionally, we have talked about different solutions for what to do with the kids since she works in the evenings, including buying a house near the kids schools. Yet, she doesn't ever tell me that these inclusive future plans are untenable because we aren't going to be married. I know that if the situation were reversed, I would be sure to point out the foolishness in planning something based on us being together.

So, does it really matter why she is doing this, or is this just my opportunity to learn to act as if things are the way I want them to be and to ignore what she says?

I am doing much better today.

Thanks,
Dan

Ah, I know I get long winded, but, I really could use some advice here. See the question I posed in the post above this one.

Sunday, we went to church and out for doughnuts afterward. I was planning on taking the kids ice skating at the YMCA where W works later, so I picked her up a doughnut. We went to the Y and the ice rink was closed for a week for maintenance and W wasn't working until later. The kids and I came for a visit later and I gave W her treat. She and I talked for a while.

Today, she came to get the kids and take them to school. I ran to the store to get money for hot lunch and with a need to get change, I bought her a coffee. She thanked me twice for the coffee. I felt that the doughnut and the coffee were things that I might do for a friend.

After work this evening, instead of calling, W came to the house. We talked about a couple of things, and she brought a real estate guide and was telling me about a couple of houses for sale in the town where we would like to move. She mentioned that she has a funeral to attend. I asked if it was a friend, and she replied that it was a friend's brother who committed suicide. I offered condolences, but, it didn't seem time for a hug.

So, another set of questions arise. First, yesterday when the kids and I went to visit W at work, I noticed that she was wearing a different ring instead of her wedding ring, though she has been wearing her wedding ring. This morning, she was wearing the same two rings as yesterday, though again that isn't terribly unusual to put the same rings on as the previous evening. Then, after work today, she was wearing her silver rings while her wedding ring is gold. I'm not super concerned, I guess that I'm feeling a little uncertain and looking for signs. Just as an aside, I don't wear my wedding ring much except when I'm going to see W, so perhaps it's shame on me.

The question on my mind is wondering if perhaps my W is stopping by because she wants to see me. She saw the kids this morning, but, I should have been already on my way to work. What do you all think? What should I think?

Dan

(((Dan)))

Thanks for the hug on my thread! It made me smile.

Firstly, you aren't long winded at all. Secondly, I understand what you mean about AD's. I started taking them before Christmas last year when I was really low and they kept me on a level. The problem was that the level didn't let me feel the highs as well as the lows and for me, I need those highs to keep me going. I ended up forgetting to take them and then haven't taken them since. I think they are good if you want to stay on a level and need to function and are unable to.

I'm really sorry the job didn't work out. I would say with regards to your confusion over your wife's job it is not really your responsibility, she needs to come to realise the practicalities for herself. I would try not to read anything into it other than it just shows her confusion at the moment. I would say don't ignore what she says, listen and validate but more importantly watch her actions.

I think it was a really thoughtful thing to do to pick your wife up some food. It helped to include her and make her feel needed and thought about so hopefully should top up her love bank. It wasn't pursuing in any way, it was perfect. See if there are other little things like that you can do, but without going OTT.

Personally, I wouldn't look into the ring stuff too deeply. It seems a little strange but all WAS is a little (if not a lot) strange. Keep in mind your goals. You can't do anything about the ring and if you did it would not help you reach your end goals.

And in response to your last paragraph, don't think (taking a huge dose of her own medicine!). Thinking leads to expectations. Take it for what it is and make every interaction as positive as you can! You are doing a GREAT job Dan.

Hi Julia,
you are most welcome. This darned DB is hard.

I want things to be good NOW!!! W is on ADs and a couple of months ago, she was out of one for almost 2 weeks. She told me during that time, she was very emotional and crying all the time. Now, when I see my oldest daughter in tears because she misses Mom and I take my turn at the waterworks, I wonder if W ever misses us as much. With the AD, I worry that she doesn't feel anything strongly enough to change.

I can't do anything about it, so I'll just have to walk my path and not worry.

Dan

Believe me Dan, she will be feeling it. She has shown that she feels it from what you have written. AD's won't mask that, they are very surface.

I'm so sorry that your daughter is upset, it must make things extra hard for you seeing your kids in pain.

Sending positive vibes and thoughts across the pond to you...

(((Dan)))

The little kids had back to school night. W called to remind me and see if we were going. I drove past one of the houses that W marked in the real estate guide, way to small etc., but, we picked up a flyer for a house around the block. Because of the back to school thing, I told W we would stop by her work so the kids could say good night.

The kids ran off, I showed W the house and she kept saying "Well, if that's what you want to do." WTF?!?! Does she have no sense? I'm not about to obligate myself for a couple hundred thousand dollars and a house payment that I couldn't really afford right now if there is any doubt that we are going to remain married.

Truth is, she probably isn't thinking things through. I didn't freak out or anything, I just used we when I spoke about buying a house, while she used you.

Then, it was time to go and D12 was crying while hugging Mom and telling her that she misses her. Mom told her that she couldn't be home right now.

I really hate this #$%!

All that drama aside, it was still a pretty awesome day. I had a friend describe how he sees me and his impression of me blew me away. Also, I noticed that when we were at W's work, I was much calmer with the kids than I've been previously.

Dan

Hey Dan

I'm bored, fancy going raving?!

How is it going with your wife’s computer? Did that get resolved?


Sometimes they make no sense; it is like they live in some parallel world where everything just slots into place with no consequences. I would say just do what is right from a financial and practical point of view for you and the kids.

I'm glad you had a good day apart from the w stuff. It is great that you are bonding with your kids!

Hi Julia.
If we both come into some money, we could meet in NYC and rave until we can't stand up

No, W's computer is sitting in the middle of the living room floor waiting for me to install some more software on it.



Somebody go fetch ladybug, I've got a beat down coming.

So, W had a funeral to go to yesterday. A friend's brother shot himself in the head. I asked her if she knew the man, she said that yes, she'd met him and her friend's family. This got things going again.

I'm really struggling with things. I have the kids 99% of the time. Yes, Mom drives them to school most mornings and soon all mornings, and yes, she stays with the littlest one since she only has afternoon kindergarten. Other than that, W doesn't see or spend time with the kids.

I make the money in this family well, 90% of the money and it isn't enough to prop up W's separate life and see that the kids are cared for after school until I can get home.

I work an hour plus away from the house which means that I've got to stretch their forbearance to leave way early these last 2 weeks so that I can pick up the kids after school. I'm trying to find another job because there is a very good chance that mine will be going away in the middle of next year and the commute of course is horrible.

Here I am trying to keep things together and get the kids fed and keep the house in some reasonable semblance of clean and it isn't happening. Of course, W translates that into the kids aren't being cared for, they have no boundaries and it's time for her to step it up. Her idea of stepping things up is I guess that she takes them to school in the morning and watches the little one.

On top of all this, I'm angry and depressed and lonely and angry and worn out and lonely and angry and afraid and torn between wanting a safe to fall on W and wanting things to work out.

Seriously, are we all insane? I went back through the text messages I copied from W's phone however many weeks back and put them into logical order. I had to copy from inbox and sent. I had forgotten what a unfaithful story they imply. There was nothing explicit, just things that a faithful spouse wouldn't say and do. So, I snooped again today. It's been about 6 weeks and it's been hard. The comment about the funeral and the family etc. got to me and I'm sick and tired of bleeding my life out for her and for the kids and for the house and what do I have to show for it?

Jack is what.

Don't misunderstand, I love my kids. In fact I just had D12 in here crying on my shoulder because as we were rounding the bend toward home, we saw what looked like W's car three cars ahead of us, but, she was supposed to be at work and so wasn't coming to the house. D12 misses her Mom a lot.

I ask again, are we insane? So, I've got a whole bunch of circumstantial evidence that points to an unfaithful wife. I spent some time over in the Infidelity forum and I'm happy for Puppy Dog Tails and others who have succeeded in rebuilding in the face of that. But, I'm looking at things and I'm pissed. So, let's see, MWD writes an article that if there is infidelity, then you the LBS have a lot of investigative work to do to figure out why you weren't good enough. Then, you work like a slave and make huge massive deep identity level changes in your life and MAYBE they'll be drawn back. But, wait there's more. Odds are pretty small that you'll get an apology in fact some may continue to deny that anything untoward happened at all. I seriously must be missing something because I don't see the justice in any of that.

I'm certainly not saying that I was perfect. I have changed and grown and I'm going to continue to change and grow. But, when I think about the work that I'm putting in and the burden that I'm carrying and the pain and anguish and anger that I'm having to deal with all for the HOPE of a reconciliation and a MAYBE, but, not very likely apology, I'm pretty fed up with it all.

So, I've been thinking W let a male friend pay for a condo up in the mountains for the weekend. How many of you ladies would call that acceptable behavior? We have Labor Day coming up and I'm tempted to hire someone to prove or disprove her faithfulness and if she's faithful, I'll knuckle down and bear the pain and the hurt and the hard work and the loneliness and keep working on this, and if she isn't, then I'll file for a divorce and let her be the one standing there with her jaw on the floor wondering who is this man because the man she knows wouldn't do that.

Bring it on, I'm in one of those moods.

Dan

I've gotten a little snippet of a cry out of my system. Why do I want to reconcile with this woman? I wouldn't put up with her behavior from a new relationship.

I feel like half the time the reason that I want to keep this relationship is because I'm still so co-dependent and there isn't enough ME. Then, when I hold my daughter while she cries about missing her mother, I wonder are my kids doomed to live this pain and hurt too? My duty and my weakness and my hope calls me to stay, while my anger and my loneliness and my pain scream at me to go.

I want to KNOW if W is faithful or not. I know you can't prove a negative, but, there is ample evidence pointing to an unfaithful spouse and why would I want to reconcile with someone with that little integrity?


Dan

Dan,
I love your candidness and your moodiness. Don't think for a moment that your the first to question WTH you're doing, and why doesn't it make any sense. And, truthfully, it doesn't. I don't think MWD is saying that you need to sacrifice your life for a lying, cheating spouse. She is saying that the pain and suffering of divorce is greater than working to the bones to save a marriage that is salvagable. She also goes to GREAT lengths to make sure that YOU are GAL, and taking care of yourself.

Your kids are lucky to have such an awesome dad. Of course they hurt, but having a dad that cares...wow. Most children of broken homes don't have that...and it MATTERS.

You're on a roller coaster. You know that. You mentioned in my thread about being angry, and singing loudly in your car. I took your advice the other morning and it helped. I'll tell you a secret. I have an ipod with a VERY eclectic mix of music. I have some Rascal Flatts, Dixie Chicks, Todd Agnew, even Amy Grant. I have all my kids cutsie songs. I have Disney Pixar short movies, and Sesame Street episodes. Mixed into all the fluff, I have my angry song. I listen to it when that intense anger hits me (as long as I'm alone - no kids). It's called "Die MF Die" by Dope. Go download it now. It helps. Of course, it's only to be used in intense anger.

Then...get over it! Suck it up. Decide what you want and what you're willing to do or NOT do. Have a plan. Get to it. And be PATIENT!

Oh, and no one has to summon me...I'm everywhere!