Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? The first domino

Thanks ITH, I got a chuckle and today I've needed all the chuckles I can get

Dan

Dang it, forgot why I came here.

Hey little sister ((((((((((Julia))))))))))

Have an awesome day.

Dan

"...seems to be having a good life without me"

that is assuming my dear. he probably is not doing as amazing as you think. it is just his way of dealing with the problems.

you have made huge progress and he is very sweet with you. this is where patience and consistency come into play.

it is so hard..i know!

i agree about the coach- i usually wait until i feel an urgency or i am very unclear (or getting there)...but only you know whats best for you.

what do you think?

hi julia

I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain about this OW business. I have been detached and not around since the news of my W OM. So I was not around to help with your pain. Sorry. I want to echo lost about facebook. Give it up don't go to it again. Even your ownsite so you are not tempted. Snopping only causes you pain. The crappy truth is that you can't control or stop it so what you don't know won't hurt you. Another qoute from lost that helped: our R is over so if he sees someone elses its like anyone he saw before you. Not your concern. This sounds crappy but if you can accept this and that it is nothing to do with you then you can detatch and it will not bother you. Your best dbing means not mentioning it to him and just being your best. It sounds like you are on the right path I just wanted to let you know you have my support.

Hi Julia,

Hope you're having a good Saturday- so much for the 27oC they were predicting today!

I think doing nothing would be a good strategy for now, although I was just thinking a bit about my sitch, and also Essie's and T's. Do you and H ever communicate by e-mail? If so, could you send him an amusing or interesting Youtube link? It's non-pressure, he can reply, or not, and it might lead to a bit of regular fun communication? I sent H a link to some of the St John's Passion on YouTube last week and it got him interested in going to a Prom with me......

Your H might not appreciate this one (but I thought it was funny- beware- naughty language therein)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxGSkUFRQwk

or this one- number 134
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jI_hRuu6R-Y&feature=related

Just a thought, anyway. Oh, and hold off on Facebook- I agree with JWS. I also agree with pisces on holding off on the coaching session for now- you need to build a little on the positive interaction you had in a totally non-pressure way.

(((((hugs)))))

L. xx

Hi JCJ,

Hope you're having a nice weekend so far.

I just wanted to add to everything that's been said here, that you don't KNOW that there is another woman, even if you strongly suspect this, so I'd act as-if there weren't. It won't help you to dwell on this, hard as it may be.

I like OD's ideas about forwarding emails, fun things, low pressure links, nothing that requires a response.

I don't think it would hurt.

ITH

(((Everyone))) Thank you so much for taking the time to post and give me such great advice.

((ITH)) - Thank you for your support. You are right that I don't know about ow for sure and it could be innocent (!!). I think that is a really good idea to act as if.

((JWS)) - Thanks for stopping by and giving me such great advice. You're right that this is such a new experience that we are kind of floundering in the dark - that is why I'm so glad I found the boards as I was doing a terrible job on my own before! That quote from Lost is spot on and it is how I feel. It isn't the thought of him with another woman that upsets me so much as seeing her around so I suppose I know how I should deal with that one and you are right - to stop snooping! Thank you so much for your support!

((Dan)) - Thank you also for stopping by, your posts on my thread always gives me a smile which is a great tonic!

((Pisces)) - You are right I am assuming. It doesn't do me any good does it?! It fogs my focus and I shouldn't let it do that.

((OD)) - After your previous suggestion I did try sending h a you tube link of a bus - no response as yet. I loved that first link, it so made me laugh and the 134 brought back memories! Urgh, I hated that bus but now I look back with retrospective fondness.

I suppose the thing I am concerned about with not contacting him is that the next time we are due to have contact is when he comes up for the second house session and that won't be for a while it sounds like. I reckon maybe the middle of September. I find it irritating that I just have to wait for him to be free. I have no excuses/ opportunity for contact between then and I would so love for us to do more bar/ pub meetings after work after the success of the last one. I want him to look forward to seeing me not allocating me times for tasks and then using the time apart to forget about me and block out the pain (I know he does this). I think I know that dark. dim is probably the right tthing to do and my anxiety in wanting to see him has a lot to do with me trying to save our home. It is quite a battle for me to seem happy about selling up and one I constantly battle with.

On a different note, I went out for a meal last night with some important work peeps and we went to a posh restaurant. I ordered what I thought was going to be a really nice steak (it was called Steak Tartare) and it turns out it is raw meat. I had to pretend that was what I had meant to order and eat it - eugh!

Ugh I hate steak tartare. My H did that in Paris once and he was really apalled, but then pretended like he liked it later...

ITH

Eeeeuuuughhhhhh! Raw steak sounds minging!

Can I ask, J, when you sent the link? I wouldn't worry too much a bout H not responding immediately- he may have been surprised by the communication, or be thinking about it. In DR and CYL, MWD says to try a new behaviour a few times before deciding whether to discard it, unless it brings a negative change about. Do you think it's worth persevering and sending another link on a different topic? (Actually, just thinking about it, can H view Youtube at work or home? My H couldn't at first so he didn't respond immediately, but he's into it now).

L. xx

Ah Julia, thats so funny, bless you! I would have called the waiter straight over and told him to take it back and grill it quick sharp! How did you manage to eat it?? Oh god, I feel sick just thinking about it.

Theres alot of good stuff happening in mid September, astrologically speaking, so I wouldbt stress...be patient. If its meant to be, it will come back around to you, no matter how much you wriggle! Mind you, that type of advice is easy to dispense and hard to actually take on board hey!

Are you really not happy to sell your home? Is there any way you could ask him if you can rent it out for 6 months, whilst you get your head around it? Even if you lose a little bit each month, or maybe the rent would cover it (especially if you switch to interest only, unless it is already?). I wouldnt worry about his reaction from a DB perspective, if you really are sad to see it go, try and buy some more time? Theres NO WAY I could have handled selling our house a few months back, now I wouldnt be happy either, but nowhere near as frantic about it. We are renrenting it again for 6 months from this weekend and we lose money every month, but I'd still rather lose some money in the short term, than sell up now. Especially with the way house prices are nowadays.
Ali xxx