Sooner, I could have written this last post at one time, except that I am the mom in our situation. But I feel for ya! It can get awful lonely when your spouse wants to sleep instead of cuddle, and there is no time during the day carved out for you two.
We also experienced the dilemma of him falling asleep while putting our daughter to bed. Then he was so groggy that sex was out of the question. It took a long time but I finally got him to agree that us spending NO time together was not healthy for our marriage. I would shake my head and wonder, Does he really think that we will just pick up where we left off in 20 years after the kids are gone?! We'd be strangers!
So we had an intense conversation one night and we made some changes. The first is that I now put the kids to bed, because I can stay awake easier. The second is that he must spend 15 minutes with me at the end of the day to reconnect. We can read together, watch TV together, talk, whatever, but it has to be just us ALONE (that heavenly word for people with small kids). We don't always do this, for one reason or another, but it is a good practice to get in.
These two changes alone have made a big difference in our lives. I realize that they might not be applicable to you, since guys are a lot easier to boss around than the ladies. Your wife might put up a fuss over giving up the bedtime routine, for example, but what we did is that H still reads the stories but then I come in for the actual sleeping. And, like you, I can get them to sleep in a jiffy.
I had to finally get serious with my H and tell him that I was fearing for the future of our marriage--and that if we did not start investing more of OUR time and energy (didn't want him to feel that I was pointing too many fingers at him alone) into it, I was afraid of what we would end up with when our kids were grown.
Now, it is not all roses and sunshine...I still have to remind him to spend time with me and the cuddling thing I just gave up altogether. I know that he can't sleep and, truly, I want him to have a good night's sleep. It has become a whole lot easier to take since he agreed to give me my 15 minutes per day! I have to know that I am on his list of priorities, ya know? I can't spend the next 20 years, always feeling like there is something more pressing than me.
Regardless of what happens at night, I am thankful for his willingness to hear me and to understand that this is important to me. Don't get me wrong, I still want some booty, LOL, but I find it easier to take the rejection if he spends time with me in other ways. Good luck with this!
I like the idea of me putting the girls to bed every night while letting my wife continue to read them stories at least some of the time. I'm not sure if she'll go for it, or if the girls will go for it (my 5-year old has her own ideas about how things should be), but it's worth a try. I really think that would help matters a lot by allowing my wife to get better sleep, so I'll look for an opportunity to work in the suggestion. I also like the idea of spending at least 15 minutes alone together (that sounds funny doesn't it - alone together ) at the end of the day to reconnect. That may be difficult for us since my wife often goes right to bed when I take the girls upstairs, but something similar may be workable.
Better get back to work now. Thanks for the input.
Quoting sooner1992:But anymore when we're in bed together that's the only chance we ever get to be alone. I guess it helps though that I'm a night person and don't have to get up quite as early as my wife.
I am the night person and my H the morning one. (Although with the toddler around my time has gone all haywire now). We often joke about how nice it is to have the other watching over us as we sleep to make sure everything is alright but it does reduce our time together as you say. If you wish to spend that extra 15 minutes a day alone with your W maybe you will need to get up a little earlier so you could have some together time before you go to work for instance? Its just a thought.
Besides being very skilled at her job she tries to be Supermom - and does a pretty good job. Unfortunately she has a hard time saying no - wish that carried over to the bedroom!
Ah ha! The supermom syndrome. Give of yourself to all others until you have no more energy or time for yourself and your spouse. We all suffer from this - ie. taking our spouses for granted. One day as I was in the midst of throwing a big tantrum at my H, he very calmly and gently reproached me. He said he did not understand how I could be so sweet, nice and considerate to a stranger, a neighbour, or friend but so different towards him. Why is it that we often treat an outsider nicer than our own spouses who deserves the best from us not the worst? Hmmm... I didn't even realise that I had started to take him for granted a little until he told me this. It is so true isn't it. We put on our best face and behaviour for a stranger but not to our own spouses because we are so comfortable with them. Familiarity does breed contempt after a while if you are not careful. Similarly your W by not being able to say No to others but to you is doing the same thing. Maybe she needs a gentle reminder from you too. My H has this very good ability to stay very calm even when I am very emotional and shouting. I can tell you that it works very well.
With regard to reading material, she heard about something called "Hurried Woman Syndrome" and thought it sounded like her. She bought the book and read at least some of it, but I don't know if she ever finished it.
Great! It shows she realises her weak point and is willing to work on it.
Ironically, it included some chapters on loss of sex drive - that's probably where she stopped reading. Don't assume. Says something about your frame of mind still.
I'm doing well Sooner and will give an update when I have more time. Take care.
Okay, I'm sure you're busy and you have a life and everything, but could you just drop a REAL QUICK hey, how ya doin' line so I don't start making [censored] up in my head of all the things that could possibly be going on?
Hey Corri! Sorry to leave you hangin' like that. I actually managed to stay away from this bulletin board for a couple of days. After doing so well for quite a while, something set me off Friday night and I reacted - bad Sooner! Had the argument with my wife which continued into Saturday off and on. For once I actually don't feel like telling the whole story - nor did I feel like even getting on here for a while. I initially felt like I'd completely blown all of the effort that I've put into my marriage over the past month and I didn't know if I could go though it all again knowing that I might again screw up again just as we start making some progress. It was as if I'd been climbing Mount Everest for a grueling month, then just before reaching the summit I tumbled back down the mountain to Base Camp where I had to start climbing all over again. But after thinking about it some more, I think it's more like each time I nearly reach the summit and tumble down the mountain I end up one camp higher than the previous time. So this time I landed at Camp 4 (okay, so I read Into Thin Air - although it was several years ago and I've probably forgotten all of the lingo). Anyway, in case my attempt to put my relationship into mountain climbing terms failed, I feel like I'm still in better shape than I've ever in been before following the sex argument. As of Sunday things were back to normal and I started right back into doing things that I enjoy by playing golf with my best friend. My third time to play and I'm still not any good, but the rare good shot is enough to keep me coming back for more. Plus it was a beautiful day here Sunday. Plus my Sooners won on the road Saturday night, thus remaining the top ranked team in the country - so I guess life could be worse.
luvhubby - thanks for your input. Staying calm when my wife is emotional and shouting would definitely work in my favor. I'll try to keep that in mind the next time I'm tempted to shout back. I'm glad to hear that you're doing well and look forward to your update.
I'm headed out of town tomorrow and Wednesday without a computer so I'll check in when I get back. Have a great week everyone!
Hi Corri. Thanks for checking up on me. Not much new to report unfortunately. I haven't been on here in several days as I found out Wednesday morning that I needed to be in West Virginia by that evening. I got back late Friday night then left again early Saturday morning for the OU/UCLA football game (which made me happy if you didn't guess). We stayed last night at my in-laws' house and just got back home this evening.
There's been no progress to speak of with my wife although we continue to get along fine and haven't had any arguments. To make matters worse, my wife is on a diet and has lost 18 pounds in the past three weeks. She looks so terribly hot that I'm about to explode! I've become a bit more flirtatious with her as a result, although not to the point of initiating sex, and that little bit of flirtation only seems to annoy her. It's as if she'd prefer if I wasn't the slightest bit attracted to her. I don't understand it one bit, but in the long run I'm hoping that the improvement in her self image will help matters. At the moment though I'm getting really tired of thinking in terms of "the long run". Know what I mean?
Quote: At the moment though I'm getting really tired of thinking in terms of "the long run". Know what I mean?
God yes, I know what you mean!
Had this wierd thing with my H (LD) last week when I gave him some letters telling him how I feel and even got him to look at the website. It was very emotional I have never really said any of this to him so clearly. I guess I knew I couldn't expect any miracles, but I must have been hoping for one. He's been very good about it really, saying he will try and sort things out so he is not so tired. But somehow I feel a lot more frustrated just now. I want to be nice but at the same time I want to say (with great sarcasm) "Oh great, so in a few months time you might feel like it, wow, fantastic"
Don't worry I didn't say that. I know he is trying. It's just hard for me to empathise with him sometimes. He's just not interested, I think he sees it in the same way I view housework- an annoying necessity that he must get round to some time. That doesn't exactly make me feel great. How depressing we are. Feeling a bit negative right now tho - poor us.
Quote: He's been very good about it really, saying he will try and sort things out so he is not so tired. But somehow I feel a lot more frustrated just now. I want to be nice but at the same time I want to say (with great sarcasm) "Oh great, so in a few months time you might feel like it, wow, fantastic"
Are you inside my head? Seriously, these same exact thoughts have run though my mind on occasion, although I'm sure it's just frustration getting an upper hand once in a while. I think it's normal, Jiji and Sooner.
Quote: I know he is trying. It's just hard for me to empathise with him sometimes. He's just not interested, I think he sees it in the same way I view housework- an annoying necessity that he must get round to some time. That doesn't exactly make me feel great. How depressing we are. Feeling a bit negative right now tho - poor us.
I, too, find it hard to empathise but I know he's trying and I've got to hand it to him, he's been a trooper about going and getting checked out by the doctor and then agreeing to see a C. And yet I can't help but feel a bit down, which I also think is normal, Jiji and Sooner.
The weekend was very nice and we were able to get away to my FIL's, but again another weekend went by and nothing happened, even though H told me "I guess I'm a once-a-week-in-the-morning guy." Sundays are usually the only free morning we have and now I'm SOL for another week.
) at the end of the day to reconnect. That may be difficult for us since my wife often goes right to bed when I take the girls upstairs, but something similar may be workable.
(which made me happy if you didn't guess). We stayed last night at my in-laws' house and just got back home this evening.
