You're a very considerate man, sooner. Of late, I've been spending lots of time on the computer though, cleaning up after the virus . There is a lot of waiting for things to finish running, etc.
Sorry to hear about the longest mc in history MPT. I was about to offer my congratulations as well as I hadn't yet figured out what mc meant. Anyway, I hope that you're feeling well both physically and emotionally and that things get back to normal soon. By the way, knowing what you've been dealing with I appreciate your happy dance on Monday even more.
High fives all around!! Whew Whew!! Oh, I am so happy for you!! She initiated, too!? Fantastic!!
Yes, yes, yes, continue what you are doing!! And I think your attitude about immediate future endeavors is a good one, too. Preparation and a solid mental attitude is the best.
You know, I was wondering if you know what your wife really means when she says she feels pressured? This is what it meant to me (still does), and I wonder if it could be similar for her and others (MPT, LH?)
When she says she's feeling pressured, what that means is she truly is feeling pressured...not by you, per se, but probably by her desire of wanting to please you and the anxiety of failing you...again...polar opposite feelings warring inside.
Does that help at all? Knowing this, do you see why her knowing you are on her side is so important to her? She wars with herself emotionally, and you war with yourself physically...the emotional strain and pain that comes from "pressure" is every bit as deep as the physical and emotional pain you feel when rejected.
I'm not saying this as a criticism of you or anyone else. But I believe being empathic and tolerant of our spouse’s feelings and experiences, though very different from our own, teaches us patience and compassion. And through patience and compassion for our spouses we learn trust and how to express love.
Though your wife has not brought it up, I think she does know how important it is for her to understand the significance of your desire gaps (hence you finding the web site bookmark). You continuing to act in an empathetic and tolerant manner towards her, and continuing to be the upbeat and happy guy you are, I believe will encourage her to continue to find the answers she is seeking, and act in an empathic and tolerant manner towards you.
This process you and she are going through doesn't mean that you won't ever feel angry or frustrated again...but it does mean that when you do feel this way the next time (because you will), you know where it's coming from and why it is happening. It doesn't end the anger or frustration, per se, but you will now consciously understand, where before you didn't necessarily, that you are at the crossroad again...will you follow old patterns of response, or new?
Being able to act or react consciously instead of impulsively is sooooooooooooooo much more empowering. I mean, anger is typically a defense mechanism to keep someone or something from hurting us....and typically when people lash out in anger, it is because a nerve has been hit...it's the signal a person has been hurt.
My point being, if you initiate, she says no, allow yourselves the freedom to initiate and decline and end it right there. Do not allow misinterpretation of natural impulses and freedom of choice to spiral into anger and hurt....because they simply don't have to.
I think it is crucial for her to understand how important physical communication is for you, and I think your best shot at encouraging her understanding is through your own efforts.
I think I'm getting preachy here...and probably repeating myself from earlier posts, sorry. I'm trying to be encouraging and I don't think it's coming out correctly
Regardless, I am so happy for you
Keep us posted.
I have to go soak my foot now...can't tell you how much it hurt wrenching it out my throat earlier with MPT.
Sorry I'm just now responding to your post. I am SO GLAD things are working better for you and your H. It sounds like the Love Language book is one that really triggered answers for you, and that is awesome. Isn't it amazing to take a few mintues sometimes to look back at where we were, compare it to where we are now, and realize just how far we've come? I think it is important to do that sometimes.
Thanks for the welcome back and for asking how things are going with me. My situation has improved like 5,000% since last February. We've hit a few bumps, but I think that had more to do with outside stressors (new jobs, etc) than us regressing. I think we're back on track now...and when we do hit the bumps, I immediately go into 'fix it' mode rather than 'complain' mode because I don't ever again want to be where we were.
I quit my really well paying job in June because my H got a promotion at work that allowed for me to do so. I had no idea how burned out I was until I finally had the courage to just walk away...I wanted to spend more time with my kids and slowing my life way the heck down. It took some time for me to adjust because I was so used to running at 500 mph all the time...and then when I didn't have to, it caused me some bizarre stress.
But I was never, ever bored like I was afraid I was going to be...I've been a web designer for the last 10 years and it has been an enormous creative feed for me for some time...now, it's like if I never design/code another web page again in my life it will be too soon.
So I'm in the phase of my life of redefining what I want to do now...what will feed my creativity, but not take over my life. I do freelance web work just to make some pin money, but it isn't really 'feeding' me if you know what I mean.
So I've been dabbling, doing a bit of writing...got a new dog (oh THAT went over well with my H...slept on the couch with the new dog last night ) I'm trying to get into some kind of lasting exercise regiment for myself...I'm thinking of taking guitar lessons 'cuz I always wanted to be able to do that... and then when my kids get home, I am so much more relaxed that family time is something really, really enjoyable again.
So, in a sense, I'm kind of doing a personal wandering right now, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life...and I can't tell you how much I've surprised myself to find I'm not really in that much of a hurry to figure it out. I've never been so relaxed in my entire life. I'm enjoying it thoroughly because I'm very well aware of the fact that I have to take advantage of it while I have the opportunity.
I'd like to create my own web site...one that helps people... kind of like this one...but more, too. I'm still dabbling with the idea...if anyone wants to brainstorm, I'm all ears.
You know, I would so like to meet all of you one day...just to talk face to face...put a real person with these code names...wonder if that's healthy?
Anyway, that's where I am right now...thanks for asking. I'm taking up Sooner's thread here...I think he might be getting close to having to start another!
I do feel like I've missed out on a conversation here. You see, I live about 12 hours ahead of you guys (in another part of the world - these problems are universal you know) so when I log on in the morning (thats your night), I see that you've been busy while I was asleep!
MPT, so sorry to hear about your MC. I hope you are recovering well. We know you are cos you sound like a strong lady.
Sooner, Good to hear of your progress. Maybe, now's the time you can leave the SSM book somewhere accessible to your W so she could have more reference material but PLEAAASE don't be obvious about it (Just don't hide it in your drawers is what I mean, put it in the common library/study where you both use). Just a thought, but keep up what you're doing. How's the golfing. Any improvements?
Wow Corri, you are making real changes in your life and loving every minute of it aren't you? I love the idea of your personal website. Would love to see your creativity.
Thanks so much for all of your support and for helping me to better understand what my wife might be going through. It actually does help a lot!
For the record, our "session" last night was more of a mutual initiation, if that's possible. I came to bed late, long after my wife had fallen asleep, and her arm was sort of stretched out towards my pillow. So I just laid a hand on it and was about to go to sleep. She sort of moved and made an mmmm noise like she liked it, so my hand slowly worked its way up her arm (over the course of probably 20 minutes). Upon reaching her body the mmmm's got louder and things began to progress a lot faster. Does that sound sort of like a mutual initiation? I suppose that I was technically the initiator, although that hadn't been my intention at the outset.
I think I did pretty well tonight. This will probably be really boring, but I wanted to remember what I did for future reference - just in case it does any good. First, I offered to pick up the girls from day care - which I do most of the time anyway. After getting home, my wife needed something from the store so I went out and got it - again nothing unusual. She made dinner (I had offered to grill but it started pouring outside before we started cooking), and after dinner I did all the dishes. Again, nothing really unusual. As I was finishing the dishes, my wife started giving the girls a bath. I took out the kitchen trash and remembered that it was trash night, so I went upstairs to see if the cat box needed to be cleaned out. If so, I could clean it and use the excuse that I just wanted to get it done before putting the trash out. As always, the cat box was gross, so I cleaned it up, vacuumed around it, added more litter, and took out the trash. The cat was my wife's, so besides when she was pregnant she's always taken care of the litter box. I clean it occasionally, but not often - so that was something different. Then I went around the house and gathered up all the trash, took it out to the garage, then put the trash can out on the curb. Then I helped get the girls upstairs and said goodnight to them, at which point I headed to the driving range. Didn't do too bad (for me) but no major improvements tonight. Trying to correct a bad slice with my woods.
Sorry to put everyone through all of that. I have a habit of making a short story long. By the way Corri, I think you'd do well with your website idea. You always give very sensible, down to earth advice - and you don't pull any punches. I'll let you know if I come up with any brilliant ideas for you, although that's probably unlikely.
Luvhubby, thanks for your encouragement as well. I'd like it very much if my wife would read SSM. She knows where it is - she tucked it away in a cabinet the last time I asked her to read it. I won't even mention it, but I'm hoping that she'll eventually become curious enough about it to read it.
I'm playing golf on Monday with my two best friends from elementary school. I'm sure the course will be busy being a holiday, so I'm just hoping that none of my errant shots hurt anyone. I'm off to bed!
Please do not worry about it! Really. I'm terribly sorry I didn't write my post well. I use "mc" in another context and it just slipped in over here, w/o my even realizing I was using an abbreviation!
Of late, I've been spending lots of time on the computer though, cleaning up after the virus 
. There is a lot of waiting for things to finish running, etc.
) I'm trying to get into some kind of lasting exercise regiment for myself...I'm thinking of taking guitar lessons 'cuz I always wanted to be able to do that... and then when my kids get home, I am so much more relaxed that family time is something really, really enjoyable again.