I did read what you said on Cloudnine's post - as always excellent, sensible input - and it actually started the wheels in my head turning. I'm too tired right now to sort out my thoughts, but I'll post them soon. Glad you're still around, although I certainly understand feeling that you need to cut back on your bulletin board time. Thanks for stopping by.
Thanks AM. Looks like we're still living parallel lives - I just hope that the positive attitude starts to produce some results soon because I know that I can't keep it up indefinitely. Good luck to you as well.
I just wanted to thank you for your input and let you know that it was very encouraging. I consider advice from low desire, or previously low desire, wives to be extremely valuable in my situation. My girls are 5 and 2, and like you my wife works full time. Whatever energy she has left after a day at work is quickly taken away by the girls. I'm hopeful that things will start to improve as they get older and become more self-sufficient. In the meantime guess I'll try to be a chameleon. Glad to see that your situation is slowing improving. Best of luck!
Sooner, I took a page out of Corri's book and went with the "lay it on the line" approach. Oops. Where is that girl, anyway?!
I don't really want to speculate too much about what could be going on in your wife's mind right now. The issue of time is interesting. Time is relative. In your mind, it has been awhile since you guys have had an argument because you're noticing and working hard at not arguing about sex. For her it may not seem as long because she isn't paying as close attention to the passage of time as you are. Kinda like that saying about how slowly a watched pot takes to boil.
Corri is right about upbeat, happy people being attractive. You want to be around those people; you want to be like them; you want them to like you. I think you're doing good there. That is your typical personality for you anyway, isn't it? I hope you feel better getting back in touch with your true self again.
I'm also going to say something I said to you awhile back, to give you hope. As my children have gotten more and more independent, less needy...the sex issue has gotten easier and easier.
I'm back from vacation, and I'm proud to say that I did very well! My H and I had a great time together, and we had a wonderful time with the kids...now I have to concentrate on not letting the routine of my life get in the way of the progress I've made.
So, how is it going for you? I've caught up on your posts...how is your wife acting of late? What are your conversations like? How does she speak to you? What kinds of things are you talking about? Has she initiated any physical contact with you whatsoever? A back rub, a hug, anything?
You're sounding and doing great. All that exercise is going to improve your health too. Many of my girlfriends complain about being "golf widows". Your W doesn't know what she's in for :-)
I'm glad you have not let comments by others derail you from your plan. I personally do not feel that what you're doing is pathetic or as someone put it "what people will do to themselves". What you are doing to yourself is great. Not only will you become more healthy as I stated earlier, you will also become a better husband and father as you practise more patience and tolerance. You will become a better person overall and the fun person you used to be as you let go of your resentment and pressures you have placed on your W and yourself too. (And hopefully the rest will follow, although we don't know this yet) You can't lose out anyway because you will become a better man for it even if intimacy doesn't follow.
You have made a choice to be happy and have fun no matter what. Happiness is really a choice. You can choose to seeth in resentment or choose to be happy with the M that you have (because you did say that other than this issue you have a good M). You will find that intimacy is no longer the ultimate goal as you set about changing yourself and discover that you are having a good time and becoming a better person for it. Keep up the good work man. Believe in yourself and your goals for you are the one closest to your problem and you know your sitch and your W like no one here does. Only you will know what works and what doesn't. We can only give ideas. We are here to support each other not to put each other down or pass judgement on someone else's handling of their sitch. No one is more correct that the other and there in no one magic method that can be applied to all sitch. The M relationship is dynamic and each couple operate differently. What works for one simply doesn't for someone else.
All the best to you and BTW, my H has been very affectionate lately Can you hear me singing? I guess he's happy now the pressure is off and so am I.
Hi Corri, MPT, just saw your posts. Good to hear you people had such nice vacations and are keeping well.
Thanks for your kind posts - I was needing them after the lashing I took over on Cloudnine's thread.
Corri, I'm glad to hear that your vacation went so well. Keep up the good work! With regard to my situation, I've definitely noticed that my wife is feeling more comfortable around me. Our conversations have not been relationship oriented at all, but she has been opening up to me a lot more about various things (problems at work, issues with the girls, etc.) that she tends to keep to herself when we're not getting along as well. She's acting like she knows that I'm on her side finally. The physical contact changes have been more subtle, but there have definely been some slight improvements. Longer hugs, more hand holding, a little bit of cuddling, and even a couple of times during the past two weeks that she's seemed to enjoy, and even encouraged, letting my hands and lips wander a bit. There's obviously a lot of room for improvement - I kind of feel like we're on a second date rather than married - but I've resigned myself to the fact that getting back to a normal, intimate relationship is going to take some time.
With regard to the things that I've been doing for myself, I ran Friday night and my knees and ankles were much better, although still a little sore afterwards. Tonight I rode my bike 5 miles (at 9:30 p.m. in a black t-shirt - not the smartest thing to do from a safety standpoint) in order to give my running "injuries" a longer break. I hit golf balls Wednesday night and I'm continuing to improve. I plan to go to the driving range again tomorrow night so we'll see if that trend continues.
Corri and luvhubby, I greatly appreciate your support relative to some of the statements made on Cloudnine's post. You both seem to have an excellent understanding of what I'm trying to accomplish. Corri, you described quite clearly what I meant by "the big picture" when you stated "I think he would be very willing go without sex for a period of time if it indeed is the thing needed to bring about permanent change".
luvhubby, I'm excited for you that your husband is suddenly being so affectionate. Sounds like you're doing great! Keep it up.
Man, I have tears in my eyes. Congratulations to you. From a woman's perspective, or at least from my own, how your wife is beginning to respond to you is HUGE.
Quote: She's acting like she knows that I'm on her side finally.
That's exactly what this is all about. Her opening up verbally to you means she is beginning to let down her guard. And yes, you are correct when you say you feel like you are on a second date...you are dating your wife again. Just be careful not to rush it. Though the physical signs you've noticed seem subtle to you, they may not be all that subtle for her. They may in fact be very huge for her.
Are you hanging in there okay? Do you mind dating your wife? How does it feel for you, as a man, to see yourself as you are now through her eyes? What does this new trust she is finding in you feel like? How does it feel to you when she opens up to you about her day, about her feelings, etc., that she used to not share with you?
Which is your original post? I'm trying to remember the particulars of your sitch...it sounds as though you are making progress!!!! How does it feel? How has he started to change? What have you been doing?
Sooner, YES!!! Doing a little happy dance for you. I know it doesn't seem like much and you feel you have a long way to go, but this looks like progress!
Corri, Welcome back! Glad your vacation went well. My kids don't go to school for another week. I feel the same way you do .
Where is that girl, anyway?!
I know it doesn't seem like much and you feel you have a long way to go, but this looks like progress!