Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse to the WAWs

I think this question is based on FEAR. If my W decides to work on R, one of the reasons may be the children, but I think the main reason is she noticed the changes, and realizes that H is willing to change for a better R. Do not let fear control you. If W comes back, be grateful and work on the R.

I have lost count of the number of books I have read. I am practicing (and hopefully turning to habit) things that are making me a better person (and hopefully a better husband sometime in the future). I have been told by several people that my W is stuck and that I am moving forward. We all operate on our own timeliness, and we need to be patient, keep growing and living.

ok ok good calls on the questions. I was just going on the perspective that instead of my wife divorcing me or moving out, she just decided to start cheating. I realize not every WAW is "in the wrong"

I am not really sure how she feels about me other than a part time friend. I try to distance myself AND be there for her when she honestly truly needs me.

Dear Bad Company.......why did you choose that name?

Anyway, I did not leave my H but had my hand on the doorknob, so to speak. I was an almost WAW. There were other things that caused me to stay rather than what he said. He really could not say anything to change my mind or "make" me stay. He used "guilt".....such as, "What do you think you daddy would think of you?" (I adored my father and had always wanted to please him. He had passed away many years ago.) Trying to threaten or apply any type of pressure only pushes the WAW further away. My H would tell me, at what I thought was very unusual times, that he loved me......and I knew it was to get a response from me. When I did not tell him that I love him back, he would get mad. He spied and watched me on the computer, went through my personal things in my dresser drawers, etc. He read my email and anything else he could find. When he passed by the pictures sitting out of our grandbaby, he would kiss it and talk about how precious family was......and I knew why he was doing all of that. He took my webcam away and treated me like a child. I almost despised him. He turned into a person I did not recognize. So, no, there was nothing he could say or do to change my mind. My reasons for staying had nothing to do with what he said. I did not have the finances to support myself and I did not want to live with my mother. I was involved in an EA with a man over the Internet. I wanted to have a place of my own. Live by myself and be free to chat over the Internet with whoever I wanted to without being spied on. I wanted to be free to see OM if I wanted to without having to answer to anyone. I had never been free in my life. I went from my parents' home to getting married. So, I had never been "free". Freedom to do what ever I wanted to do without giving an account was the most important desire I had at that time.

However, I did not want to be mean and set out to do deliberate hurt to any of my family. If my H had "exposed" my EA to anyone other than who he did......I would have left him for good. He placed me in a position to have to tell my mother and I knew it was out of anger that he did that. I thought it was a terrible thing he did for me to have to tell my elderly mother what I had done and the pain it caused her. Why would he want to do that to her? That was my way of thinking at that time. I did not want my children to know or anyone in the community. I felt that I had protected my H's reputation over the many years by staying with him. I knew if I left him that it would hurt his reputation in the Church and in the community, plus it would nearly destroy our family. We had been M for 40+ years. So, I stayed, but I was not happy about it. I tried to sneak around to contact OM, but after I came on board here, I was given the advice and support I needed and I broke it off with OM.

The best way for any LBH to deal with a WAW or an almost WAW is just exactly how the DR book tells to do. That is your tools to use and if you try to do it "your way"......it won't work. You cannot understand the mind of a WAW. She is confused, hurt, resentful, bitter, and she is desparate. It depends on the stitch as to what she is desparate, but for most, it is to be away from her H. There have been some stories where the LBH told of his WAW who had none of those feelings that I just described, but instead, the W just felt "nothing". They did not have OM, but just was totally empty of anything left for their H and walked away from the M.

I will tell you what I have told several others. I get the impression you are looking for a quick fix to all of this......and there is none. There is no magic pills, no special events, no certain words.......none of that. You can't come here to ask us what our H could have done differently and think that you will find the "secret" and be able to do what you need to do without any of the hard work and long......long time and patient that it takes. I can tell you what works if you will listen to me. Divorce Busting is what works. Read Michelle's books and do what it says to do. Keep at it every single day and don't give up. Know that it will take a very long time and don't expect any quick fix. If you don't think you can stay in it for the duration.......then you don't have what it takes. I can tell you that it takes a "real man" to endure what you will have to do throughout the process. It takes guts! It takes a lot of love........unconditional love, which means......forgiveness. If you can't forgive.....you might as well say good-bye right now to your wife and start another life for yourself b/c forgiveness is the beginning of the healing.

I hope you have what it takes.

Sandi

Forgiveness, patience, understanding, "lots of reading", Space (and more space), listening, empathy, validation, "What is in the best interest of my children"

The best interest of your children is to bust a divorce so both parents are home raising them.

Hopefully W comes out of the fog...All I can do is work on ME....

well guys i chose the name badcompany as a referce and salute to the great Puppy Dog, for all his help and cut throat approaches.

the OM broke it off with my wife on august 15th, she was devastated, no one found out til this past week. She finally opened up and told me what happened with him, and I was there to listen when she opened up. She says "I know he'll be back, I hope I have the strength to say no this time"

of course this has nothing to do with me........she has told our mutual friend whether he is back or not, she will not get back with me; she "can't get past" the things I have done

those things are first and foremost, not being emotionally available, and working while she was home alone (couldn't help that one).

anyways, when she opened up about OM leaving her, I told her I wasn't there for her before a lot of times, but I am now. trying to make peace with the past.

in essence my W is still in the fog of how great he is, despite her calling OM a coward for making excuses for why he left her (his ex girlfriend came back to town and he obviously isn't over her)

in the meantime I haven't mentioned our R, M, reconciliation or anything of the sort. I hugged her when we were done talking and that was it. I ask her once a day how she's holding up, nothing more.

***I realize I can't make her want me back, and I can't make her want to put our past behind us and come back. she has a lot of pride issues and when her and OM got together, all her friends told her she was making a HUGE mistake (family included). Her response was "I can't wait to prove all of you wrong." Well that didn't happen. Also, one night while angry at me for not agreeing to a divorce, she said "the minute we get divorced I am marrying him"

I am not sure if she is jinxing herself or the Almighty is hearing my prayers but her plans are falling through. I thank our heavenly father for watching over.

I do not expect her to come back.....the OM could come back, or another man, who knows ? not me. Getting on with my life, not holding my breath, but still caring enough to listen if she wants to open up. God help her.

Sandi,

thanks for the long reply. I feel that the fact that I was able to sit and listen to my W describe to me how hurt she was by OM leaving, and her telling me that she knows how I felt is a sign that I have what it takes to stick it out, whether she says we won't get back together or not.

I have forgiven her a long time ago.