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Oh god, I think I'm going to be sick. The OW has written on h's sister's wall on FB asking for her Wii code. They must be linking to play games together or something. That means that they are friends on FB which means she must have met her and is friends with her.

I hate not knowing whether I have another woman to contend with and that she is infiltrating my SIL and my h. What should I do??

Hi JCJ,

So sorry to hear about this. You said however that you don't know whether you have another woman to contend with. Is this OW then just someone you have suspicions about? Has your H admitted to be involved/having feelings? If not, why do you think there might be something going on?

I'm sorry that I don't have a lot of advice for this situation, but what is it that you want to do? Would it be a deal breaker for you if something was going on between the 2 of them? If not, do you think it would help in any way to confront your H, or would it make things worse? Are there boundaries beyond which you're no longer willing to stick it out?

ITH

Yes, she has been around. I asked my h about her and he said they were 'very good friends'. It was after I confessed to knowing about her that he said he couldn't carry on back in May. I don't know if it was this or a culmination of other stuff.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker but at least I'd know what I ws dealing with. I hate her though, I want her to go away even if they aren't together. I just don't know what is going on and that is what I find hardest. On the other hand, if H turned round and said he was in love with someone else I'm not sure what I'd do!

Seeing things like this just makes me physically react. I feel like I've been punched. I hate that she is in contact with my SIL when his family are ignoring me.

(((JCJ)))

I can't imagine how painful this must be right now. Please think this all through very carefully before making a decision about how to respond though. They may be just friends, even if he does have feelings for her. As just friends it probably seems normal to your SIL to be in contact with her.

Your H has said he no longer wants to try, but isn't actively pursuing D either. The last time that you brought this girl up, things did not go well for your situation it sounds like. Again unless their relationship is going to be a deal breaker (which it doesn't sound like it is), I would be very hesitant to bring this up. This sounds bad, but I know that I read this in DR and on another successful DBer's post. What is it about this OW that you think would attract him? Are there things that you think she represents to him that you do not? Can you take some of these characteristics and integrate them into the way you interact with him? I know it isn't fair, but you have an opportunity tomorrow night to really show your H what he is missing. If you focus on OW, I think you are unlikely to get the response you are looking for, unless you are actually willing to walk away if he is involved--if you make this threat and you are ready to follow through.

Really sorry you have to deal with this. Please let us know what you decide to do.

ITH

Well, you could take a hint from Lady Godiva and that Emperor ....

Dan

Julia,
now is another time to be strong. I understand completely where you are coming from and how that feels. The thing is, your DB efforts don't change. I know it hurts to even imagine that possibility. You are a strong woman and you can rise above this.

Change NOTHING. Keep doing what you are already doing. Remember there have been some signs of life in the last month. Breath, relax, and change nothing.

(((Julia)))

Dan

ITH and Dan thank you so much.

I won't say anything to him - you are right that it doesn't bring me any closer to my end goal. It was just such a horrid shock; I thought I had left the rollercoaster alone for a while. I hate that she is around.

I will try and concentrate on making tomorrow the best possible interaction and try and make sure I look hot! She has nothing more on me as far as I can see. She is no prettier than me; I have a much better job than her. I suppose the only thing is that she works with him so has that camaraderie and she doesn't share the negative history but then again she doesn't have the positive history either.

I suppose I have to try and focus on the fact that this isn't about her, it is about my h and me and I have to try and keep focused on that. It hurts though and I feel so left out of his life.

Hi Julia.

I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. It turns out that the OW who my XH had an EA with 7 months ago is still around too. I don't think there's anything emotional but just the same it hurts that he could be friends with her. And worst that he doesn't understand why it hurts.

You're not alone and whatever you want to say to him come here and vent. You'll get it off your chest and still save face with your H. I know how easy it is to confront your H but it's true it doesn't take you closer to your goal. Take it from me because I've BTDT.

Chill and think positive for tomorrow. Did you choose an outfit?

Jen, thank you, I will.

I'm just about to go upstairs and cause havoc in my wardrobe!!

You know, sometimes i wonder what I signed up for when I said 'I will' two years ago! I just wish everything was ok.

I think the other woman would represent freedom to my h. I don't really know what I can do about that except try and be easy-going and 'free' also. I miss my old h.

Hey Julia,

I'm just catching up on what happened today. That totally sucks.

IMHO, the presence of an OW shouldn't change your DBing- you can't mention it (I thought ITH was spot on), so it really is another of those situations when you need to take a breath and act as if everything's OK. Every time you mention the OW, it makes the WAS leap to their defence and their feelings become more entrenched.

You're totally right that you've got a better job, and are hotter than she is (I know- I've seen you ), and have the positive history. it'll take her years to build that up, and a much shorter time for him to lose any negative associations he might have. So you're in a better position than she is. Plus you have integrity and morals.

In relation to the work banter/camaraderie, H had that with the aubergine too. Is there anything else you can banter with him about though? Amusing musical clips on YouTube as T uses or something similar? I'm sure there must be some funny clips about buses somewhere

Hope the outfit trying on is going well. I think hot pants and thigh high boots might have some kind of effect on H, although possibly not work compatible!!

(((((Julia)))))

L. xx