I have made this post in the newcomers forum, but I would like to respectfully ask some questions of a WAS. Someone here should be able to give some insight. I don't mean to sound disrespectful or judgmental, I just have a need to try and understand.
Do the WAS feel as hurt and confused about what they have done as the S that was left behind?
Do they have second thoughts about what they have left behind?
Do they realize what kind effect of what they have done to not only their S, but also the other family members that are affected by their decision?
I was just wondering how WAS feels about leaving, Do they feel this is the only way out for them? Do they find what they are looking for? Do they not feel that they another choice?
I am just trying to understand, so I can better prepare myself for what I will experience with my LRT.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Very Scared 54, I can only tell you what my experience is - but bear in mind it is different for everyone. Yes, a WAS feels hurt by leaving - that hurt stems from anger, disillusionment, and a tremendous amount of guilt. Leaving is really the last thing I wanted to do, but at the time I felt it was the only thing I could do to try to gain some type of control over myself and my life. I have had second thoughts every day since I left, and that was over 5 months ago! I am very well aware of the hurt, anger, confusion and bitterness that I have caused my H, as well as all of our friends and his family - believe me, none of this makes it easier and adds to the load of guilt I already carry around.
Do we find what we are looking for? I sure hope so, despite the fact that I haven't found it yet. Have I had a great epiphany about whether I should continue being a WAS or return home? Not yet - but I'm hoping that comes soon.
The biggest emotion a WAS feels is confusion. I have also suffered mild-moderate depression since I have left. It is not an easy choice, and it is one I struggled with for a very long time (months) before acting on it. So no, no matter how it may seem to the LBS, it is not easy for a WAS to walk and it doesn't get any easier the longer they are gone. I am haunted by that decision every day, even as freedom and the possibility of a happier future for me lurks around the corner.
I hope this helps you a bit - please feel free to ask any further questions you may have. I'm not proud to be a WAS but if I can give insight to a LBS, I am more than happy to.
Good luck to you...
By the way, smartcookie's post is haunting in its truth. It's nearly a perfect recap of my experience.
Last edited by lost3031; 08/07/0807:47 PM.
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
I can echo the comments of the previous posters with the exception that I didn't find that I was looking for. What I wanted was right in front of me. Unfortunately by the time I realized it he was no longer interested in making it work which is my reason for being here. I wish the best for you and hope that you are able to find the peace and support that you need here. Keep your head up and keep DBing!
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Thank you to all three of you. Yes, your experence have helped me. I do have other questions for you, but I have to go to C. To make a better person. I will be back late with some questions. Thank you please keep looking for me. I don't get my responces.
Thank you so much for your honest evaluation of your respective sitch. Your answers seem to come from hearts that are in limbo. I too, am drifting in a white water river filled with rocks and whirlpools with no paddles to control my way. In the last 3 months of my sitch I have hit many rocks and have been caught in eddies that spun me around in circles of confusing emotions. I know if I hang on to this little rubber raft of hope that I may just find the calming waters of a new beginning with my S. Please, take no offence, but I wish that none of us were here for our respective reason.
I have a few other questions that I hope you will be able shine light on. I do realize that every sitch is deferent, but some information is better than none.
[lost3031]
Does your S is or wants to work things out and get back together? If the S wants to? Do you want to? What is holding things up? How much time are you willing to wait?
"Have I had a great epiphany about whether I should continue being a WAS or return home? Not yet - but I'm hoping that comes soon." Can you elaborate?
[HOPFULinCALI]
"I didn't find that I was looking for. What I wanted was right in front of me. Unfortunately by the time I realized it he was no longer interested in making it work" I am very sorry.
What were you trying to find? and How long did it take you before you realized you want to go back? What was in front of you?
Questions for anyone.
We have not been around each other for almost 3 months. We have emailed and visited on the phone, but no face to face. The tenor of the contacts has been friendly. I think I have gotten strong enough to be around her without falling apart and maintain my emotions.
Do you think it is better to start meeting face to face? Please explain Do you think meeting face to face will help things move along with my DBing? Please explain.
My W has a birthday coming up soon. I have always sent her flowers and a card to her at the office on her birthday. When she dropped the bomb, she said she didn't want me to send flowers or cards to try and make up. I have been given advice that fall in deferent directions. 1) Call her up and ask her if she would like to go to lunch or dinner for her Birthday. If she does that fine, if she doesn't want too that is fine as well. 2) Just send her an email wishing a Happy Birthday and nothing else. This way she knows that I did not forget it, but I am also respecting her wishes of no cards or flowers. What do you think?
For the first time in almost 3 months my W and I will meet for lunch. We have emailed and talked on the phone and all seems friendly. However, the last 20 days communication has been only two phone calls from her. I have only responded to W emails or phone calls when they asked for information.
I am LRTing as must as possible. The last phone call was about 30 minutes long and I ended it. It was a good conversation and W did not say no to anything. Like maybe having lunch when she comes town, maybe going the beach to watch the harvest moon come up over the gulf, or even maybe spend 3 day together in a resort area. We have reservations for the 3-day about 6 months ago. But she did say no to coming home.
Well tomorrow is the Big Day. We are getting together for lunch for her birthday. This was the first email I sent her in 3 weeks. I asked if she would like to go to lunch with me for her birthday. W agreed. She emailed me tonight at what time we should meet and where. She also wanted me to bring a suit and piece of lugged with me for her. I haven’t return the email yet to confirm the plans, I am giving her some time to wait for me for a change. Let her wonder a while.
I got her something small and a card as a gift. I plan on keeping the conversation very light.
It shouldn’t surprise anyone out there, but I am a little nervous about this meeting. Any suggestion from you guy on what to be looking out for?
For the first time in almost 3 months my W and I will meet for lunch. We have emailed and talked on the phone and all seems friendly. However, the last 20 days communication has been only two phone calls from her. I have only responded to W emails or phone calls when they asked for information.
I am LRTing as must as possible. The last phone call was about 30 minutes long and I ended it. It was a good conversation and W did not say no to anything. Like maybe having lunch when she comes town, maybe going the beach to watch the harvest moon come up over the gulf, or even maybe spend 3 day together in a resort area. We have reservations for the 3-day about 6 months ago. But she did say no to coming home.
Well tomorrow is the Big Day. We are getting together for lunch for her birthday. This was the first email I sent her in 3 weeks. I asked if she would like to go to lunch with me for her birthday. W agreed. She emailed me tonight at what time we should meet and where. She also wanted me to bring a suit and piece of lugged with me for her. I haven’t return the email yet to confirm the plans, I am giving her some time to wait for me for a change. Let her wonder a while.
I got her something small and a card as a gift. I plan on keeping the conversation very light.
It shouldn’t surprise anyone out there, but I am a little nervous about this meeting. Any suggestion from you guy on what to be looking out for?
I wished I had found you a little sooner. I was an almost WAW. Had an EA with man over the Internet. Didn't turn into a PA and I didn't leave my H.....but wanted to. I agree with what the other WAW's have said to you. I experineced those feelings as well, but I just did not leave my home. It took a very long time to get through the process it takes. My H has been very patient and has given me the space at home that I've needed and has not pursued me. If he had done anything differently, I would not and could not have stayed.
I don't think I read where you have bought the DR book. Have you read it? It is most important that you do this. It is your tools to have to get your M back on track. Since the lunch is tomorrow, you don't have much time, do you? Well, the main things is not to pursue.....and everything is to a WAW seems like pursuing. Don't tell her that you still love her or try to show her any affection. Keep things like and don't talk about the R. If she wants to talk about it, then look her right in the eyes and listen to every word she says. Validate her. That is so important. If you don't know what to say, then just nod your head while she is talking. If you disagree, don't say so, but just say that you are sorry she feels that way about it. Try your best to not point out the good things in M and all the reasons to stay together. Just keep things simple and relaxed and fun. The idea is to just make a step forward to being "friends" and winning her trust in you. If she thinks you are going to over-whelm her with R talk and ILY's, then she is not going to be very trusting. Don't tell her that you are doing any reading or going on this board. Don't give away your "game plan".
Is she still in an affair? If so, how do you want to handle this? Do you want to try to draw her back by winning her "friendship" again with a new approach to a differnt type of R? Or do you want to cut to the chase and confront her about the affair and if she is still seeing OM?
I hope to hear from you soon. Would like to help any way that I can.
Take care, Sandi
Last edited by sandi2; 08/25/0802:24 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, i have read both DB and DR. I have had one conversation with a DB coach and another tomorrow night. I have been DBing for about month now. It seems to have some effect on W.
She did not have an A. It was 33 years of being together and not yet not being together. She feels that she is getting more satisfaction from her job than she is in our R. she wants to be independent and alone. I have been seeing C since the bomb was dropped. She has said that she is as well, but I cannot verify that.
Yes again I plan on staying away from all R or M conversations. I have been doing my homework. I also read Men are from Mars and Woman or From Venus twice. I plan on listing very intently to very thing is saying to validate her conversation.
Yes once again. I do not want the old R back, but I very much want to start a new one with W. I want and will share my life with someone and the W is the one I want to share it with. I know it will take time and patient. I have come along way with GAL and PMA.
Your input is so very welcomed. I hope you will keep coming back to read my sitch and leaning a kind ear and advise. I will make another post after our meeting and let you know what happened. Thanks
