Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis WITHDRAWAL/DEPRESSION #4

Trusting,
I have come to shed some light on the money thing for you.
I believe in Divorce Remedy, Michelle addresses the money thing as a commonality among MLC about money. They hoard it for themselves, spend like there is no limit, and then brood because they are broke. It is a common theme.
I like to compare it to a teenager. They spend spend spend, and then complain that they have no money. If they owe their parents then they neglect to pay them back and put them off til the next paycheck and secretly hope that you get weary of asking. It is a common mindset of teenagers; I raised 3 of them and watched lots of their friends. They do not manage money well, as a MLC.
I think you know that MLC is a revisit of their teenage rebellion. If you look at it in these terms, then it makes more sense. It can and most likely is the opposite of how they were pre MLC.
I have seen it too. It manifests itself in different ways, but boy oh boy, MONEY is the ticket to fun, and they just can't get enough. To pay you from that, is worth of complaining.
I don't think it is fair, but the MLC DOES transfer their teenage feeling toward their parents onto the LBS. I read that in one of the many books I read over the years........
It is a trait of projection.
Peter O'Connor describes it well. He talks about a mirror that is blacked out on one side, the reflective side. All they see is you (as a parent figure) that stood in the way of all they want and desire.
I explained their Dad's behavior to my grown daughters that way.
I compared the way they felt about me imposing rules on them as teenagers, that they did not want, or think they needed. They did not see that their actions required limits, or that these limits represented love.
It made sense to them.
I did not "love" my parents when I was a teenager. I disliked them. Even when they were loving or kind, I thought that was just temporary, and I was filled with the need to get out from under their control. I was XX old for goodness sake!!!! I knew so much more than them......
Remember?
That is how our MLC feels. They know that their parents will love them unconditionally when they forget or maneuver to not pay them back promptly. After all, they earned the money, and they resent that I expect them to pay me back. I expect them to forgive the debt, if I am "poor" enough.

Trusting, your H is a teenager. He expects to get away with it,as if you are the parent.


HOpe this helps.

I also believe that we must stick to our guns when it comes to letting them off the hook in regards to any of this.
We must let the natural consequences of their behavior bite them in the dairee aire. Do not save them from the natural consequences. They chose this destruction and path, they need to feel the pinch. It is for their own good.
Cheers,
Holly

Yes, yesterday when bemoaning her financial situation X said she now has $2,500 less in monthly income to work with than before we separated. I commented, "I'm sorry you lost $2,500 in income when you lost me."

She responded, "Don't be a smartass."

I avoided saying I told you so (I did) but reiterated that I knew things were going to get harder financially, not easier when we separated.

I have tried to find the fine line between letting her "feel the pinch" and becoming the enemy. I have found one way to counter becoming the enemy is by doing other things for her.

DS said the other day, "Dad, you could do a lot more for mom if you lived in the same house with her." DOH!

My H is 'using' my S15 to get more money out of me. Now that S15 is living with him he has stopped paying me maintenance for the girls. His rationale for this? He took a 50% pay cut (I'm pretty certain so he didn't have to pay maintenance) and of course 4-5 holidays a year do not come cheaply, especially when your partner who works appears to earn nothing! So he's feeling the pinch. I'm the thorn in his side so he thinks I should 'pay' for that. We now earn approximately the same so he thought he'd just take a maintenance holiday! The fact that he was already underpaying me by the same 50% for the last 2.5 yrs and he hasn't paid his half of the mortgage in the same time period seems to have slipped his memory.

The reaction he wants: D him as quick as I can.

The reaction he will get: I'm currently looking for a third job to ensure that my girls and I (and S15 if he ever sees the light) keep a roof over our heads.

Yes I am being a grown up, yes I am ultimately 'supporting' his recklessness (which I hate with a vengence) BUT I have my pride and my children to consider and right now that is more important.

So damned if we do, damned if we don't

Holly,

Thanks for your explanation. It makes sense. I am going to try to look at it more through the adolescent eyes.

ACJ,

You are an amazing woman. You are right. They try to force us into a divorce. You have a great strength...

It is just confusing, though, Holly. I am NOT H's mother--and I don't want to be!

How do we get out from under that role? Is it possible?

wow
I just got the same speech
we were talking about our upcoming D
he complained he has nothing to give
he will give up the business and work for nothing
and pay me nothing
he was irrational
yes he will lose alot
I told him you got what you wanted your freedom
I am here with all the responsibilities of 2 kids and a house and he gets to play
so yes they want the D but in never land they dont want the consequenses that go with D
it is sad to watch them
My H also sees me as mom..
I feel he expects me to give him something I cant
especially now with him out of the M
we can unconditionally love them from a distance
he has to figure it out
I fear he will blow everything but as Holly said, we have to let them
peace

Peace,

Just wait until after the divorce, it gets worse. They almost completely forget that they wanted the divorce and then continue the blame game. It is a mind blower...

Yes, some have to go through this. It is a tough lesson and very difficult to watch but it does help them eventually sort through their emotions.

Trusting,

It gets worse? OMG....... I don't know how much more I can take......

My H thinks that now that the D will be finished soon (next month or so) that there is a "light at the end of the tunnel." He STILL thinks that he is unhappy because the D isn't finished, and that the magic happiness fairy will come wave her magic wand over him the moment the D is complete.

I know this isn't true, of course, but do they ever figure it out? He has done NOTHING to fix his issues and refuses to go to counseling, not even to help the kids with their struggles or for he and I to learn to co-parent. He is living with a 22 yr. old controlling, manipulative parasite (even though she shows her a nicey-nice sweet girl face to the world, she also had the rep. when she worked in his office of being a snotty, rude diva, so I can't help but wonder what she's like to live with), and is falling back into all his old habits. (Lots of online poker, video games, fantasy football leagues, procrastinating on everything, ordering out instead of cooking which was one of his big complaints with me---I was so lazy/unorganized/busy with kids activities that I didn't plan ahead to cook.)

Yes, I obviously still snoop (I know, I know, I KNOW it's not good for me, but I haven't broken the habit yet) and I hear lots of things through the grapevine and from my kids.

I just wonder how long it will take before he realizes that he is NOT any happier, and that his life hasn't really changed AT ALL, except that he doesn't see his kids and they are suffering for it.

TPaschal

That is the biggest tragedy of all. To some extent my H has started to reconnect with our kids (esp S15) and I made the mistake at first of trying to muscle in on that act (although it wasn't done delibarately at the time). Now I'm trying to just let him be with them and they him and see what happens. It is hard b/c he continues to hurt them and I have to pick up the pieces but I need to show that I am only mother to my 3 children and not to him as well. His own mother shys away from confrontation so she will never be any use to him when it comes to rebuilding the R with his kids b/c there will undoubtedly be lots of confrontation before an entente cordial is finally achieved (if ever)

I'm too young to be a parent to a middle-aged man!!!

Help!