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Poet,

Detach by telling yourself that you forgive him for what he has done, you forgive yourself for what you have done and you accept that you will be just fine no matter what. These are easy to say the work is in believeing it. "Practice" life without him....lead your own life if you are going dark. GAL (you have been doing this fairly well). Evaluate what you are doing with your GAL, is it enjoyable...is there something else you would like to do instead.

If you accept that you will be ok, then there is little he can do to hurt you. Don't engage him if he is hostile.

How do I stop engaging him. I am definitely scared of losing him and I realize that I have already lost him. I know in my head to stop engaging him. My emotions are gripping me and I can't seem to let go. I know I love him and also know he does not love me. He is not the person I knew. He is this unknown creature that caught me swiftly by surprise who says he did not make this decision before three months ago. I know this is a lie, or otherwise he wouldn't have detached so easily and completely. He is definitely talking to Jennifer every single day and probably seeing her regularly. She has him in her grip. I know I cannot loosen that grip. I want to let him go, but I find the other men I meet are total losers. I find myself saying, I would rather have him that any one of them.

poet

Poet,

You are still focusing on him........at this point what he thinks or does doesn't matter. You need to get your feet under yourself regardless. You need to put yourself in a position of emotional strength. You can't keep him from contact thing OW, you can't make him say ILY.
What you can do is work on being a better you. What happens....happens. One thing is certain, if you don't work on a better you, nothing good can come of this sitch.

You are a sweet, caring, person that no matter what will be ok. If your H comes to his senses then he will be fortunate, otherwise someone esle will be lucky. You have to believe that....you should have no reason to not believe that.

If you realize that you have already lost him, then there is little to be afraid of. As far as engaging him goes, one of the benefits of going dark is that whn you have contact you can set the conditions of it (time/place) and prepare yourself for the conversation. To help you gain some more strength and ocnfidence

"If you realize that you have already lost him, then thereis little to be afraid of."

Are you saying that I haven't truly realized this? Of, is it that I have not truly come to grips with it. One way or another, I am still afraid.

When I hug him, he does not even return the hug.

poet

The don't hug him.....besides that is far from going dark. Let him initiate stuff like this if there is going to be any.

I don't think you have truly come to grips with it, but you would know better than I would. I understand just how difficult it can be. I have found one of the hardest things is to forgive yourself for what you have done in the R to get to this point. Letting go of the guilt is very difficult but very necessary to detaching. I am not saying you have a lot to be guilty about, but I think everyone in this sitch finds something to blame themselves for. You can't change the past, but you can make a better Poet for the future......this is a large part of what DBing is all about.

Lets work on Poet, this is probably one of the few times that being selfish is going to make you a better person and possibly improve your M with your H.

Let him lead his life, your happiness is not tied to him

OK, so lets start with that...being selfish, forgiving myself. Maybe that is my real problem. I have not forgiven myself.
Any suggestions on how to start with that?

It is kind of a personal thing, for some people it is spiritually related, for others it is not. If you are seeing an IC or a pastor they may have some ideas to help you work through this.

Basically, it comes down to owning your part in things and making the changes within yourself to keep this from happening in the future (either in this R or in others). The just accept that you are human and make mistakes. I wouldn't involve your H in this....remember this is about you right now.

When you forgive yourself it will help rebuild your self esteem and make you a stronger person, thus not "needing" your H, you may still want him but you won't need him

"Basically, it comes down to owning your part in things and making the changes within yourself to keep this from happening in the future (either in this R or in others)."

OK, maybe I'm deceiving myself, but I can see my part as having panicked and reacted with fear and anger, when I suspected and discovered there was another woman in my H's life.

Perhaps, I need to go deeper than this. I am not sure how far to go. I know this is over the top. I do have a C and a Pastor. My C has been helping with the anxiety, tho not entirely. I still have panic attacks and that's when it get bad with H. She has been trying to help as well with the calling. Does anyone have any experience with these kind of things, I wonder?

thanks, TD
poet

Not the part I was referring to. Actually I was referring to more of the things that you talked about in your other thread....the SSM (and discussions with Bagherra). I suspect you carry some guilt for this. I am not faulting you, just acknowledging that guilt often comes with it. Does some part of you blame yourself for your H's straying. I do feel he handled this completely wrong. If you do feel guilt for this then you have every right to forgive yourself for it. Part of the forgiveness might be to take steps to help keeping this from happening to you in the future (either in this R or another). You would know these answers better than anyone. I am not looking to point the finger at you,perhaps just trying to get you to be a better Poet, despite what has happened to you in the past. You have certainly been through a lot.


((((((Poet))))))

(((Poet)))

If I could I would hop a plane and just show up there this weekend. So much for a holiday weekend. I'm dreading it. I'm very down today and I know you know exactly what I mean.