Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis First Thread in a long time......

Aren't you something special !!!

Always looking for the best lane on the high road and trying not to rock the boat. Glad to see you trying to find balance in the turmoil. As for TJ, we know he will have his regrets. Poor poor MLCers have been convinced, or convinced themselves they should have nothing less than some kind of magic light bulb moment of a life from here on out. Well, good luck to them all and best wishes. Sad part is, it is right there in front of them except they are so unhappy with themselves, they can't feel the magic; probably never will.

As for you ... patience has always served you well, no reason to change now unless he does something to trigger a call to action. You will want to always be at peace with your last decisions in these matters. Wait for him to make the first mistake. Let him deny the agreement you were both willing to live with. Sounds like Plan-A was ok before and he should be happy to leave it at that.

Have a plan-b ready with your L. Think of the things that would go badly for TJ and limit plan-b to include a few of the least damaging. See if that wakes him up. Be ready to let him know you never really wanted anything beyond plan-a, and he may relent.

If he lashes out, and MLCers do ... don't set your L loose with plan-c immediately. Try to let TJ know it only gets worse. If time comes for plan-c, it should probably be full scale nuclear L confrontation ... no holds barred. At that point there won't be much friendship left on the table. One of you, or both will be ready to walk away for good with no further contact at that point. I hope it never comes to that.

Praying for peace to reign and each of you to find a steady light to follow in this time of loss.

You know the rule ... live the better life. Live a life you can love, love yourself ... and the whole world will too.

Keeping the stage clean, the pole warm, and hugs in place ...
(((Hooolly)))

Holly, I hope you are not standing for this. I can't remember who it was but one of the first things I was told when I came here was to protect myself financially!
"Oh NO says I my H would never hurt me financially!"
Wrong, it seems to be a lesson we all have to learn and I was relatively lucky.
I know how much this hurts,all the how could he etc etc... going round in your head.
Can you get the date changed?
I think you might find a new use for your pole!

My L is on vacation, so I am forced to wait awhile. I will arm my Lawyer with all the unfair/uneven finances that H has with held, and let him decide to do anything. I will also ask him to request that the temporary spousal support be retroactive to the divorce dismissal, as I have received nothing since then.
I will not attend. I will let my lawyer handle this. I will be upheld by the court. My lawyer is better than his.

If the court does not see it my way, then TJ will have to live with this. He knows how unfair he is being.
I will let his conscience get to him.
IF all else fails, I will tell his daughters.
And sister and mom.
Let him live with that!

(I will not do that. I am not vindictive. I have to live with myself.)
Was,
I am looking for Arm Candy to walk me out of the hearing. You available?????
Pool Boyz has a promotion ya know,,,,,,




Feet warmer!

Holly,
I'm sorry to see you are heading down that road most of us have traveled. It's not easy, but you'll get through it.

Holly, I'm not going to sugar coat my responses to you and I think you know me well enough that I call them as I think they may go. First, nothing is fair in this world, especially when it comes to legal separations and divorces. We all have learned that the walkaways will promise you the moon and the stars, etc., but the bottom line is, they don't usually come through on those promises. That is why is it very important to have those promises documented and at least you have the option to go back to court and present your case to the judge about him not owing up to what is a legal and binding contract.

You stated you paid for all of the college expenses and your daughter's wedding. Then you said he did leave money for the expenses...what expenses did he leave money for? This will be a question that may be raised if you phrase your financial issue in this manner. Be specific and have documentation for proof of what expenses your incurred in the way of college expenses. As for the wedding, your h can assist w/that, but by no means can you use this for a justification of reimbursement.

As for your teaching salary, that could sway two ways: 1) the judge will look at your teaching position and say "H, you teach, you are receiving a salary, benefits, etc. from said position". or 2) he could rule in your favor and you get spousal support for a set period of time. Do not hold out hopes on getting spousal support if you are working full time. This will dependent upon the judge and the state you live in.

Sit down and really think about what you need financially. Don't dicker over wedding expenses or expenses of this nature. Choose your battles and you just might come out ahead on your expenses. If I were you, I'd go for 1/2 of share of his retirement, savings, 401K that he's been putting money into from the date of your marriage to the date of the separation (the judge may rule this in favor of the date of the divorce). Be sure it's stated in your divorce degree about this.

When the divorce is final and the dust settles, you are going to come to the realization just how much baggage in the way of stress you've been carrying around.

((((((((((Hoooollllllyyyyyy)

You are an amazing person and will get through this. I have no doubt in my mind. You have been more than patient and sympathetic to your h. It has been a very long road for you and you have grown so much. You are my hero!!!

You are in my prayers.

Love ya

Y

My H is already at that point and no papers have yet been filed. I too hope this never happens to you Holly b/c it is the most horrible feeling in the world.

Take care

Holly,
So glad you checked in. I was wondering what was going on in your sitch. Try to remove your emotions from the business part of divorce. There are no "do-overs" when it comes to financial settlements in the big D. Protect yourself. Do not expect TJ to be generous because YOU have behaved with grace and dignity during this whole process.

We need to catch up. Hang in there, Honey.

Spitty

Thanks friends.
You bring me to tears.
Yelloooooooo, hugs and kisses. Call me if you like. Snodderly, as time has gone on, the loving advice you have shared becomes more and more real to me. However, I think I have left out a few points here.
1. TJ and I have all the D issues worked out. I do get 1/2 of retirement, investments, some cash, and spousal support for 9j 1/3 years. That is the agreement that TJ ask me to honor if we did not work things out. He tried to modify this, I declined, and offered him the original, fair document and he has accepted. What he is objecting to is the already court orders TEMPORARY spousal support. This is to maintain me while we hash out the detail, that we have just completed. So the D can come up quickly, and the spousal support will be for 3-4 months if ordered. That is what is so weird. He is objecting to what the court has ordered already, that is temporary.
See, I was unhappy about the level of temporary support, and I hope you will believe my ability to judge fair: it was too low.
But I was willing to live with it, because it covered my living expenses without causing me to dip into savings any longer.
My spousal support is XX for 9+ years, and temporary is less than half that, for only 4 months?

The money that I refer to is money he left me before he moved to the other state in 2006. That was enough money to cover:
a) daughter #2 senior year at college
b. daughter #3 sophmore year at college,,,,,
c. daughter #2 wedding
d. daughter #3 junior year,
leftover medical expenses not paid by insurance co for my surgery to fix snoring. They did not cover because TJ left the co. 3 months after the surgery.
e. about 1 and 1/2 year of the first court ordered spousal support .
Our first D took over 1 1/2 years.
I told TJ that he did not have to pay the court ordered spousal support because he had already given me that money.
And it lasted. Until November. THen the D was dismissed and TJ said that while we reconciled maybe he would pay my mortgage,....he never did. I took that as a sign that all the money was one big pot again.
Then he claimed me, and daughter #3 and still had to pay taxes. I did not get a tax refund.
THere are other small things, but I know I have to let them go. I will lay them all out for my lawyer, but I will do what I can to hold TJ accountable.
It is more that than the money.
The money would be nice.
So he has picked the only, last and smallest part of this to pick at. He will look terrible in front of the judge. Please keep in mind, I am clean as a whistle. I have no idea on what grounds he could be doing this. IMO he is instead opening himself up for MORE temporary spousal support.
At the time of the first temporary SS, my lawyer complained to me that it was too low. He saw my point about the big chunk of money, so we let it go.
I would do the same thing again in hindsight. Because I am taking care of ME. I can live with myself because I have been fair, dignified and full of Grace, and the sharing of Grace.

Thank you Snodderly. I am just more worried about his soul.
He seems more lost now than ever before, and I am grieving that.
Hugs, and THANK YOU ALL for your love and support. I am humbled.

Holly, I have no advice. I just wanted to stop by to say "hello" and give you a big (((((hug)))))

I hope you find some peace soon.

Doing better today. I worked through the depression, and think I have a handle on the awful question "Why?"
Today I am cleaning house, and doing errands, and tonight I have a pedicure and dinner with Sue, and then tomorrow or Saturday off to the beach.
I know that God is standing right beside me, and BND, your private words about this being God's work is true and I get it now. Thank you for understanding me so well that I can ask the questions in my heart and soul, and bless you, you had the answers.
Thank you.