Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Finding the sexual being that is me~

Ali,

What you put in your last few posts reminded me so much of when my H came home last time.

As I've told you before I was in a SSM at the time (although didn't really know it then) I did exactly what you appear to be doing now and offered it on a plate every night for weeks. At first it was a huge thrill to him but gradually I could tell that even this had worn thin. He even admitted that he didn't actually need or want 'it' everyday.

I can pinpoint when I think our initial hard work started to fall by the way side and frighteningly it is only two months after he came home. We had been going on a date night evey week each of us taking it in turns to decide what we were going to do. Then we had some annual leave together (it was while the last olympics were on, the ones that start this week are what reminded me). We were decorating and as we had spent all day together I considered we didn't actually need date night that week (and money was a little tight). BIG BIG mistake. We never really got back into the pattern of going out even though we started counselling after this event. We just fell back into the old rut. He devoted his life to karate and I continued to devote mine to our children. The events of the last three years were just a train crash waiting to happen.

So, my advice FWIW, is don't stop completely but mix it up a bit. It may be that he now feels that HE wants to be able to initiate things sometimes (even though his original complaint was probably that he always had to initiate).

Also something struck me about the bad fight you had and the way you described the convo. I had a similar type of exchange with my D13 tonight (different topic obviously) but your Hs words struck me as being very much like those of a teenager. I was trying to tell my D13 that she can tell me anything and I will always listen. She heard that as I want to be an interfering, cow of a mother who wants to be in control all the time. She is hardly eating anything at the moment and has missed at least one period and I am very concerned about her. She doesn't see the care, she just hears words that she thinks say' D13 you are no good, your brother and sister are far superior to you, you do badly at school. I know she is depressed but unless she opens up to me enough to let me help her it will be a very difficult time for both of us. I think your H is in a similar place right now.

God bless

Exactly.
I was trying to help and he took it as otherwise.

And ACJ~ FWIW~

Your words mean alot. They are like Gold to me.
And boy do I love gold~
{thats a whole other thread }
You know what you are right. I think that will work for me. To mix it up and stop trying so hard.
I am probably driving him crazy?

Thanks a million everyone.

I am so sorry your daughter is going thru this.
And with the media glorifying WAIFS~
It is just terrible to be honest.
I too when I was young had eating disorders. I was evither trying to purge it out { bulemia } for awhile. Or overeat it away. MY BODY~

My body and my curves and everything that made me special.
I still struggle some with it. YUCK~

I am of Mexican heritage and so I had one too many curves as far as I was concerned. It didnt help that my Mom would say I was fat.
MY MOM has never had curves.

I wish you all the best in reaching your daughter.
Is Amy Winehouse Famous where you are?
She used to be so beautiful and now she is far too thin.

I will keep her in my prayers. And you too.
Thank you for your kindness.
You know what ?

....it will help in these next few weeks.

..... when he acts up to think of you,
And that he sounds like a teenager. Great insight.

All my best and God bless...
~Ali

My other thought is..perhaps..instead of initiating all the time..maybe do something to create 'sexual tension', whether it be conversation, teasing, clothing, etc.......and let him initiate but know you're available? FIB

I did this just last nite!
You guys are the best. Thanks for your encouragement and thoughts.

I just layed there next to him but let him know I was "available". It worked and he initiated!!!!!!

Thanks FIB you are a sweetheart!
God bless....
~Ali

My husband is still not wearing his ring.
I am not going to say a damn thing.
What do you think? I feel like he is playing a game? and then again I dont know. I am just going to work on my confidence and my self esteem. And he can play games with himself. I love him but I am not going to subject myself to keep worrying about him.
I have lots of cookies in my jar, and if he doesnt want to respect that?
Oh well. I am going to do my best to enjoy my self and be Happy. I have been worried about his happiness for far too long. I deserve to be happy too. So I am going to really do for me for a bit too, I think that is missing too. Thanks FIB~

My favorite song at the moment. It makes me feel good and like dancing.


Valio la pena ~ Marc Anthony Enjoy.... if you like Salsa music.

He is saying my life is in your skin and you are my everything WOMAN. It was worth evrything to be with you, you are a blessing.


Yeah my hubby sings it to me everyday... * Eyes rolling *...

~Ali

When I was in a dilemma about whether to continue to wear my rings or not W2Sad suggested I wear them on a chain round my neck. I didn't do it and for over a year my rings were locked in my safe. Now I wear them but on my right hand. Why don't you put your Hs ring on a chain around your neck to show him how important a symbol it is to you but w/o starting the fight he is expecting?

Ali,

On behalf of husbands everywhere, I have to say that Marc Anthony is a tough one to be compared to...

Seriously, a couple things:

I don't know what to tell you on the ring thing in your sitch, but I can tell you that I have a bunch of friends in your part of the world that have perfectly good marriages (as far as I know anyway) and never wear their ring. Always has seemed weird to me, but not to them.

Second, you asked about the "Symphony of Marriage" concept from PM. The concept basically is that you and your spouse are two different people and have different views on some things and a different lens you view things through. As a result, there are times when you will disagree, somethimes very heatedly. Rather than focus in on how different you are and dwell on your differences negatively, you should understand that this is natural and think of it as "The Symphony of Marriage" performed as written. I really liked this concept and think about it from time to time.

BTW, I think this concept is adaptable to "The Symphony of Parenting" but that is just my theory.

CB

PS - I think you are giving your husband what every husband (especially SSM ones) dream about. Just making it known you are available is awesome!

I missed that part. I dunno how. The sumphony I like it. I am going to have to take another gander at my book.
I love that. I try to do that but lately I have been trying to get husband to look thru my lens again.

It doesnt work and I know this.
So I dont know why I keep tyring to do this. yeah but if you just saw it my way. It isnt going to happen! DUH~!

I used to do this alot and it was so ridiculous and caused so many problems.

Anyway thanks for that.

Are you sad Bret Is going to the JETS?

Yeah , I am trying not to make a big deal of the ring. I am going to be ok. Today I ran errands for him for our business. He was an a*****e every time he called. I did my best not to absorb it. It is hard though. I am Human.


Anyway, The ring thing.....
.... he just put it on this spring. I wasnt wearing mine either. If he didnt think it imporatnt neither did I. I want to get stronger and enjoy my life more and stop worrying so much. Maybe if I finally am just me , I will be happy too.



~Ali

You are hilarious.

I have come to see that I have been focusing on the negative and been on a complaining spree.
Whether he comes through or not I must feel good for me.
I have to get happier and stronger.

Yeah my hubby does sing but you think cause he grew up in Mexico he would sing to me in Spanish.

Nope these are the sings he sings to me.

Eric Clapton ~ Change the world
Billy Joel ~ Just the way you are
Peter Frampton ~ Baby I love your way

and these are the killer ones.

Johnny Cash ~ In my Life
and
John Lennon ~ Woman

Here are the lyrics to that one.

He played it for me weeks after I found out about a EA he was having....
Bittersweet for sure.

So he does sing to me just not in Spanish.

Here are the lyrics to the JL~ song...



Woman
John Lennon


Woman I can hardly express,
My mixed emotion at my thoughtlessness,
After all I'm forever in your debt,
And woman I will try express,
My inner feelings and thankfullness,
For showing me the meaning of succsess,
oooh well, well,
oooh well, well,

Woman I know you understand
The little child inside the man,
Please remember my life is in your hands,
And woman hold me close to your heart,
However, distant don't keep us apart,
After all it is written in the stars,
oooh well, well,
oooh well, well,

Woman please let me explain,
I never mean(t) to cause you sorrow or pain,
So let me tell you again and again and again,
I love you (yeah, yeah) now and forever,
I love you (yeah, yeah) now and forever,
I love you (yeah, yeah) now and forever,
I love you (yeah, yeah)....


Beautiful huh~?

God bless...
~Ali

I think you guys can give me some cheese to go with my wine.

Ali, not wearing my wedding ring was one of the worst signals I could ever give my wife about how I felt about our marriage. She never told me it hurt her that I didn't wear it all of the time. I think it did hurt her though. I would put it on only when we were going out together, otherwise it was off. I never did the "throw the ring move" because it was hardly ever there to take off. I wear a ring always now.

Before, it got so I couldn't wear it anymore (too small). She also couldn't wear hers. After 21 years we needed to have them resized which we never did. We are now wearing heirloom rings which fit us. I now wear a white gold ring with a sapphire that was my great-grand father's wedding ring. She wears a white gold ring with 3 diamonds (the stones are larger than W's wedding ring) which was my god mother's wedding ring. We basically have upgraded rings as well as upped the size.

I guess what I'm saying is if his ring is too small it may be a part of his not wearing it recently. You did mention about his hand swelling and a blister. You might suggest getting it resized if you think that might help him.

You know my mom has always said that men are truly the romantic sex. You can tell from those songs that your husband sings to you. It is true; guys really romanticize the way we think about our woman. It's just the kids and everyday stuff that gets in the way of showing that to our wives. But we never stop thinking of them in a romantic way, even if we have to just fantasize about it...
Incurable romantic?
I think YES.

Cinco