Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Strong Boundaries and Standing up for myself

Another thing. When she does come to the house my anxiety level goes way up. Why? Because I think about the things shes doing, the possible actions she might take to HURT me.

I want her to go away. Plain and simple. Just go away.

It hurts me that I WANT that, because I've loved her for so long and I still do. But that's what I want. And I feel guilty for wanting that but I KNOW that I have given up myself for so long to so many people that there's not 'frank' left.

And I have to save myself. I have to.

Don't worry guys, I get it.

She's desperate, broke, sees a bleak financial future. The kids are angry at both of us now but it's ME who has to actually deal with it the most since they live here.

The house is at foreclosure again and I'm trying to pull a rabbit out of my hat while dealing with all this crap. That's why she's gone, I need her to go away for a couple months at minimum so I CAN pull that rabbit out.

I will NOT be defeated. Period

And SG, I do have a strategy. It's 'save myself, and W will do whatever she does'.

I don't know her any more. But one thing is for sure and that is she is getting what she asked for.

Frank

a house is a house

and

it sucks but the reality is that

it is just a house

wherever you are you will make it a home with your girls


sometimes it is sort of liberating to have nothing material left to lose (ask me...we are eating ramen but I have never been happier)

I can save this. I'm really good at what I do when I'm not in my depression and anxiety. I used to say to clients "I can advance your project better than any 3 programmers" and it's true.

Right now I'm at 80% capability.

And, I like Ramen.

then you go frank

work at 80% with a goal of 100% in mind

focus on this then
not your wife
not her crazy

focus on your strength

Frank, what language do you write code in? I use C, C++, and C# (dotnet) for system/device driver things. I dabbled a bit with Javascript and html but that was torture compared to writing well designed system software. I am right now trying to port some old assembly language (image conversion) code over to portable C for multiple OS's and embedded systems.

Nothing beats experience in our field.

Frank, as hard as it is you are doing the right thing, your wife is lost. You cannot save her, but you can still love her from a distance.Take care of you.

The majority of my work is in designing the systems. I'm very good at talking to 'normal people' and to software engineers. I can extract the needs out of the customers, and I can tell the engineers what to implement since of course, anything they can do I can do.

all of it is on various flavors of Linux.

I write code mostly in PHP with the Zend framework for web interfaces, Python for back end programming, mysql or Postgres databases depending on the clients desires and I sometimes use Oracle.

Some things are in Java or C/C++ when I need to write systems that depend on libraries in those languages. Most of what I work on these days are web front ends to various telecommunications devices scattered around the country.

I also do a lot of custom E-commerce sites, stuff that can't be done in a normal 'storefront' site because it sells things that require back office processing in real time, like selling pre-made meals, but you have to be able to predict what produce and meats you'll need in real time so you only order what you need for that week to keep costs down and insure freshness.

It's "Just In Time" inventory management.

I also do security and server consulting. Some of my customers are fortune 1000 size, I've done work for Sony, Cisco and a few other 'names'. I also used to own an ISP.

Thanks Craig, I know you're in a similar place and I value your opinion.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess we'll have that



Well....That's IF you give STRATEGY a BAD name...which obviously some of you do.

It's ideal to have pure motives.

Sometimes it's just a matter of words around here, though.

If you CALL it a STRATEGY to change your behavior in order to change your spouse's behavior..........we ACTUALLY call it DBing...it's in DR/DB and on this site.

Whatever Frank chooses to do and whatever Frank chooses to call it....if it gets Frank what he wants/needs....it's ok by me. If you call me sgDr.PHIL...I WILL cringe.

EVERYONE is at different stages, and if you're not at the place where your motives are so pure, that you're doing it for yourself and not for your relationship, it's ok.

IN FACT....if you are EVER doing it for the relationship and not purely for yourself.....folks it's OK.

What's isn't really helpful.....and again, maybe it's mincing words .... but that's what we do on this forum......is being so dependent on the relationship that we can't make ourselves happy.

THERE IS NEVER, NEVER, NEVER onesizefitsall GOOD advice for a situation. Not even detachment. Not even GAL. And the bandwagon isn't a good idea.

I have no problems with Frank.

I have no problems with strategy either. Actually, I don't think Frank is doing that here.....I'm just adding the fact, because ... if he WERE using it as a strategy....it's ok. AND IT'S EVEN GREAT....if it gets him what he wants... (and I'm not even talking about the end justifying the means in ALL situations, including greed and evil...so don't even go there with me, I WILL ignore it.)