Thanks for the feedback. You are so right when you say it's easier to be objective about someone else's sitch. I have great advice for everyone else, I just can't follow it myself.
I think you are right...I need to stop with the invites and I always give myself a pep talk before I see or talk to him telling myself I WILL NOT INVITE HIM OVER AND I WILL NOT ASK HIM IF HE MISSES ME. Of course, that's all out the window when he's actually in front of my and I feel compelled to ask him dumb questions.
Good example is tonight (I really think I need to be slapped around)....he comes over to pick up D...convo is fine...no R talk...D goes upstairs to get her stuff and I jokingly say..you better get out of here soon...I have a date. He says...no problem I'll be out of your hair as soon as possible...to which I retort.."oh it wouldn't bother you at all huh?". He says it's none of his business...that it's my life. This makes me angry so I say..."you don't miss me?". He says..."I don't think about it". In my head I'm thinking...BASTARD! So he leaves and of course I'm not done...I gotta call him on the phone and continue with my questions...only this time I ask him if he's attracted to me. This makes him angry and he says he's not answering that question for me again...that he's answered it a million times and refuses to answer it again. So I say is it still the same answer....he replies it has always been the same answer (I have asked him a lot...he always says he has always been attracted to me). He asks why I keep having to talk about all this S@#! to which I reply because I'm lonely...he says he's lonely too and I say, but you don't care about me and I do care about you...that's the difference. He then says...it wasn't easy living with you. At this point my senses start to come back and I realize what a freakin pathetic moron I am making of myself so I tell him I'll let him go.
Ohhhhh..Lord...what is wrong with me??? I am so afraid if I stop showing interest in him he will forget about me A big part of our problem was him saying I didn't make him feel important so I'm afraid if I back off now he'll think "I knew she would never change".
Ok...I'm gonna try this again...no invites...no questions of affirmation...gotta get a life!
You got lots of feedback, but I still feel like chiming in. I do think it's possible for it to be just about sex. In fact, if it meant more than that, why did he treat you like a leper afterwards (before anyone else says anything, yeah yeah, I know, guilt...which I don't buy). He knows you are hung up on him and he's horny. Personally, I find it attractive when it isn't as easy as hopping into bed....the chase is attractive. You didn't make him chase. Come on, play hard to get.
And, while some guys feel more connected to a woman when they have sex....others don't, and when it's over feel less connected.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Okay, Changed! I think they use 2x4's here to remind folks what they should be doing!
You have got to stop letting him push your buttons. If you know you can't do it, then walk away. Go upstairs with D to help her get her stuff ready. Stay away from the encounter. Be in the shower when he comes by...anything so you don't have to interact when you aren't up for it. When I think I'm going to have a hard time on the phone, I have my S6 answer it and avoid talking to H altogether.
Reread the book...DR. I truly believe that if you are scarce when he comes to pick up D, if you don't text or call, if you stop inviting him, if you just leave him alone, he'll notice! And, maybe he'll ask about it. You could then reply, that you finally realized how important it is to him to have his space right now, and that you really want to respect his need for that. What better way to make him feel important than to show respect for his wish to be "separate" from you right now.
I know it's hard...I have trouble too. But, I've noticed that when I answer the phone when H calls to talk to the kids and I don't "chat" with him before I hand it off that the next night when he calls, he makes a point of "chatting" with me. In fact, last night (after not chatting on Monday) he said, "Did I tell you...? Oh, no, I didn't, we didn't get to talk last night." He noticed, and I think in someways, he missed it. So, last night he talked for about 5 minutes...just a baby step, but he initiated it.
He can't miss what he still has. So, make your H miss you a little. Make him wonder. Don't say you have a date, but do look ready to go out next time he comes to get D. Don't make time to chat with him...just a quick "hello..." like you're in a hurry to finish getting ready. Chances are, he'll ask D what your plans are for the evening. And, even if he doesn't, he'll wonder.
You can do it! So can I!! We may have a long way to go, but, we'll get through this mess together. Keep your chin up!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Ok, well I've totally stopped contacting him. He had D for two days...didn't call me once and when he dropped her off he acted very aloof so when he went to leave I let him go and acted like I could care less. He normally calls to tell D goodnight, but last night instead he texted here...I'm thinking it's because he could avoid talking to me.
I have this nagging feeling there is someone he's interested in...why else would he keep emphasizing that what I do is none of his business unless basically what he means is what he does is NONE OF MINE.
This is killing me....he went from being very interested in sex with me last week to, literally overnight, becoming extremely distant. Maybe Pheonix is right...it was just sex to him...god that hurts.
I'm still not sure it was "just sex." I have the same issue. It was sex, but, if he has someone else (as I know my H does), then he could have had "just sex" with that someone else. Either way, you have to focus on you. I know how hard it is to have them be sooooo distant, but I think it's good for you. It removes the temptation to argue about anything or try to ask questions about their lives, etc.
The hardest thing for me is knowing that there's nothing I can do at this point to make H come home. He has to do that himself. So, all I can do is work on being better. If he notices at some point in the future, great! If I get over him while I'm doing that, well, so be it!
I also had someone say to me that other day that my interactions with H seem to all be about trying to have a better R with him. The problem with that is that he doesn't want an R at all right now...so, even a better one is not appealing to him!
You've done well not calling...just hang in there! Get busy doing something for you, and don't worry about the sex or the possibility of an OW, etc. You can only control you!
Take care! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
I have this nagging feeling there is someone he's interested in...why else would he keep emphasizing that what I do is none of his business unless basically what he means is what he does is NONE OF MINE.
Is he the child and are you his parent? I didn't think so....so yes, unfortunately, it IS none of your business as to what he does, where he goes, etc due to the fact that you are S'ed. ALso, if he keeps emphasizing that what you do is none of his business, as you say he does, I have to wonder if you're 'prying' for perhaps a little too much information from him during your interactions.
But the bottom line is this: You do not know what he REALLY means when he says this - you are not him - so try not to assume that you do.
Originally Posted By: Amy M
I'm still not sure it was "just sex." I have the same issue. It was sex, but, if he has someone else (as I know my H does), then he could have had "just sex" with that someone else.
I totally agree with this.
CW, have you read "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn? If you have, reread it along with DB/DR. If you haven't, pick it up, like YESTERDAY! Sex for men is NOT "just sex", as we women tend to think it is. There is SOOOO much more to it for them than we ever thought we knew!
And YES - GAL, GAL, GAL!!!
(((CW)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Consider me appropriately smacked in the head with 2X4 tattooed on my forehead.
Little update here..so tell me what you think about this. Wednesday morning I left for work early was out of the house by 7:30. Well because H has D on Tuesday nights he drives by our neighborhood in the morning to pick up D's friend and takes them both to school. When I left early I was thinking hmmmm...he doesn't come around the neighborhood until 7:45 and I NEVER leave for work early so when he drives by and sees my car gone maybe he will wonder what's up. Soo...he drops off D that night...comes in and plops his ass down on the chair talking about stupid crap that doesn't matter and then out of the blue says "were the sprinklers on when you left for work this morning?" I was like...huh??? I have no idea what time the sprinklers come on...he was the one that set the timer. So I kind of just looked at him blankly and said...ummmm...I dunno...I don't think they were on. Does anyone think he was fishing???
Anyway, so the convo goes on and he asks if he can go rummage through my cupboards and find some crap he left behind and I said "no" (I was in a snotty mood). He asks why and I say because they are my cupboards and I don't feel like having you pick through them right now. So he says fine and then leaves...basically right when he got out the door I shut it...normally I stand there longingly hoping he'll give some kind of charity kiss but not gonna do that anymore. I know...I know...I shouldn't be a bitch either but whatever.
So....he calls yesterday to ask if he can take D again after work...I told him it was up to her and asked him why he sounded pissed. He said it was because I am so hot and cold. I was like...what are you talking about? He said that comment you made about YOUR cupboards. So I said...oh...that was rude...I'm sorry and I think for the most part I'm really nice to you...I just had a bad week. He responds with I'm not the only one who has stress in their life...I said I realize that, but I did say I was sorry and I am so can you let it go? He says whatever and we hang up.
He does get D after work so I got home from work...took a bath and came down stairs to read a book and notice he texted me asking if I can get his crockpot together for him to pick up. I texted back "what???" He responds and text convo went something like this:
Him: well since it's YOUR pantry can you get my crockpot out and have it ready for me? Me: Oh please could you let it go already...I don't think you realize how much it hurts when you remind me you don't live here anymore by slowly taking all your stuff....could you cut me some slack already? Him: That being said, could you get it ready for me? Me: Nuh uh...I can't reach it Him: Get a stool! Me: If I had a stool I wouldn't use it to stand on. Him:?????? Me: It would be firmly planted in your behind Him: Haha! Me: That's right...laugh now cry later! Him: Yep
So he gets here...and comes in to get his crockpot. Normally I would hover around him trying to get some attention...this time I just go sit on the couch. He takes his crockpot out to his car and I'm thinking he's gone so I get up to lock the door and he comes back in...gives D a kiss and then leaves.
Does anyone ever get sick and tired of dealing with their crap???? I mean seriously he moved out and I should feel bad for saying "my cupboards"? Sheesh!
HELL YES!!! And my dear, that is a completely normal feeling! it is so okay to get mad, it is a natural, normal feeling.
and yes, i do think he was fishing!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
HaHa...I think it definatly sounding like fishing to me!! And of course you feel that way about him going through the stuff in the house...like you said he left...grrrr....I have the same thing with H whenever he does some over he just open the fridge goes through the rooms, it's like, "Ummm excuse me buddy but you don't live her anymore...remember???
A big part of our problem was him saying I didn't make him feel important so I'm afraid if I back off now he'll think "I knew she would never change".
