well..... a stragety would be doing necessary things for the wrong reasons. isincere, deceptive, empty. all are descriptions of this kind of stragety, if in fact that is what it is. i don't think it's a stragety. fact is this is the only way that he would be able to detach and grow and get healthy, with an unintended consequence of her seeing it and "coming back". but also realizing that both need the same amount of growth and healing, this is the only way it could get done. first and foremost worry about frank, then the m.
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
Next step is saying, "I'm sorry, you can't come over tonite since I am having friends over"
Quote:
so, who is taking 'odds' that she tries to 'come home'. ?? what time frame?
With this quote, I am taking odds that you are going to get hurt again. As horrible as it sounds, your mantra should be: "G-d bless those who expect nothing for they shall never be disappointed."
Frank---go back to your more solid thinking...grieve the loss and believe what Gray says. Reconciliation probably can NEVER occur until the R is over.
You're going to get hurt again if you don't 'let go'. Trust me..it's not easy...even for me in the middle of D.
Let go of the match frank or you're gonna get burned. Place bets on the success of your next internet project. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Hell, I know that THAT is the purpose of everyone who comes here.
It would be nice though if every once in awhile we would be allowed to be REAL with those we have followed so closely here.
Strategies are great. The DB'ing techniques give us great guidance both for getting OURSELVES straight and for doing things that can positively impact our marital relationships.
But please, let's not be naive or pollyanna-ish.
There comes a point in some situations where the sole focus needs to be on personal survival.
When we have become SO consumed by our spouse and marriage, and when THEIR actions have been so consistently detrimental to our well being and the well being of our family...
...well then it becomes time to cut them loose.
And THAT, I believe, is what Frank has done.
He established a peaceful relationship with his emotionally vacant spouse and that relationship had a proviso - NO involvement with others if we are to continue to cohabitate.
His wife has violated that proviso. Even worse, she does not care that she has violated it. She expects Frank to suck it up and continue on, leaving her to whatever type of life she chooses to live.
So he told her it was time to go.
And Frank, now is NOT the time to be worrying about whether she will return or not.
You have bigger fish to fry right now.
You and your daughters, and your financial present and future are your concerns now.
What your wife does or does not do, what future unfolds before her...all of these things merely serve to DISTRACT you from the real work that lies in front of you.
She is gone. She broke your trust again, violated the one thing you asked her to hold to in order to stay in the same house.
Now is not the time to be strategizing how to win her back, in my opinion.
Now is the time to get YOURSELF right.
Until that happens, let the cards fall where they may.
Blessings,
Bill
Last edited by Bworl; 08/22/0802:22 PM.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Hell, I know that THAT is the purpose of everyone who comes here.
It would be nice though if every once in awhile we would be allowed to be REAL with those we have followed so closely here.
Strategies are great. The DB'ing techniques give us great guidance both for getting OURSELVES straight and for doing things that can positively impact our marital relationships.
But please, let's not be naive or pollyanna-ish.
There comes a point in some situations where the sole focus needs to be on personal survival.
When we have become SO consumed by our spouse and marriage, and when THEIR actions have been so consistently detrimental to our well being and the well being of our family...
...well then it becomes time to cut them loose.
And THAT, I believe, is what Frank has done.
He established a peaceful relationship with his emotionally vacant spouse and that relationship had a proviso - NO involvement with others if we are to continue to cohabitate.
His wife has violated that proviso. Even worse, she does not care that she has violated it. She expects Frank to suck it up and continue on, leaving her to whatever type of life she chooses to live.
So he told her it was time to go.
And Frank, now is NOT the time to be worrying about whether she will return or not.
You have bigger fish to fry right now.
You and your daughters, and your financial present and future are your concerns now.
What your wife does or does not do, what future unfolds before her...all of these things merely serve to DISTRACT you from the real work that lies in front of you.
She is gone. She broke your trust again, violated the one thing you asked her to hold to in order to stay in the same house.
Now is not the time to be strategizing how to win her back, in my opinion.
Now is the time to get YOURSELF right.
Until that happens, let the cards fall where they may.
Sorry, SG -- I'm with the unruly masses on this one. Frank has enough "Frank" stuff to keep him occupied for now.
Now, if that IS his "strategy" -- to work on Frank -- then godblessim, but his recent post sounded like he was already focusing on when his wife might come back.
I've been lurking on this thread, but isn't it funny that when *I* read the question about laying odds on when she would want to come home-- I took it totally different. I did NOT take it that Frank was waiting for her to come back. I saw it more as a statement against her character-- sort of like looking at someone you consider to be a loser and saying "Who wants to make a bet they are back to their same old shennanigans within a week?"
Maybe I was wrong. I don't know. Frank?
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
maybe he was saying and I would let her back when hellll froze over
maybe
frank you don't want that mess to come back
you don't need to accept crap just because it's crap
like... i moved i didn't realize how much crap I had accumulated, what I held onto because I had spent money on it, how many boxes of things I kept that were broken that I was going to fix...
i filled a 20 ton dumpster
I am throwing away more now that I am moved
don't do that
think of how much cleaner, less stressful my life would have been without boxes of crap that I was going to fix laying around
there were some nice things didn't make them not broken
someone else can pull them from the dumpster and try to fix them. They will always be broken there, sometimes it enhances the look, sometimes not
i just didn't need them
what do you need frank for you not for her or for her to come home...remove her from the equation
what do you need for you
work on that list until some things are crossed off
The marriage has to end before there is any chance to rebuild a relationship. The only strategy to be concerned with now is how to get finances and legal matters taken care of. He should not be doing this separation or possible divorce filing as a "final last resort" strategy. This is for Frank and his kids survival emotionally and financially.
I do think that Frank was just kidding in his remark - he was just being sarcastic that he thinks she is going to try to weasel her way back because of her cake eating nature.
I've been lurking on this thread, but isn't it funny that when *I* read the question about laying odds on when she would want to come home-- I took it totally different. I did NOT take it that Frank was waiting for her to come back. I saw it more as a statement against her character-- sort of like looking at someone you consider to be a loser and saying "Who wants to make a bet they are back to their same old shennanigans within a week?"
That's what I meant. It's not a strategy and I DO appreciate everyone reminding me to keep focus on myself. I'm very lucky to have so many friends.
And I was being a little 'snarky'.
This morning D17 was irritable. It seems like everything I do is wrong to her. She came to me later and apologized saying that she just doesn't like having to explain the morning routines to me but she knows that it just the way it is right now.
Yeah, I'm dad and I'm learning how to be 'single dad'. I'll just keep on moving forward.
