Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Positive developments?

I agree. I think it is admirable that you are trying to be protective, and you're right, she has no idea what she is getting into. Drug dealers don't tend to knock on the door and go away nicely if there is no answer. But she has made it clear that it is her problem. You have voiced your concern, but you can't save her from every situation.

I take it your FIL does not know the sitch she is living in?

Well, I'm of two minds about this. Jon, you are probably correct that she is in more danger than she believes, and she is also probably safer than you at first would think.

I have some fairly recent personal experience with the ways that the drug subculture exists in parallel to the white bread culture and what can happen at the places where they touch.

So, having just gotten out of jail, there isn't a lot of upside for James to cause trouble, especially to people like your W who aren't afraid to go to the authorities at the first sign of trouble. So, to that degree, it's probably safer than it might appear at first. However, James is from a subculture where time in jail is just part of life and it is not inconceivable that your wife and roommate could get caught up in the issues between James and the landlord.

Add to this that it sounds like your W doesn't have much experience dealing with this subculture, she most likely believes that the unspoken rules and expectations of middle class America apply universally, and they don't. This could conceivably lead to a bad situation, but, I would expect that more with whitebread in a fringe area rather than a fringe member in a whitebread area.

There is one more thing I want to mention and it has two roots. Your W will have trouble accepting advice from you in this situation for two reasons. First, there is the proximity problem which is that even if you were a world recognized expert, because you are her H, she would believe Reader's Digest first. Second, is that for her to accept advice from you implies that she is not competent or in control in this situation. Since the most probable outcome of things is that the situation resolves itself with nothing bad happening, it will tend to reinforce her belief that you were over-reacting and that she was correct. You are very much in a no win situation. The way that you are proven right is for something bad to happen and if nothing bad happens, then your W will believe that she handled things well, not understanding that it was only by God's grace and the roll of probability that things worked out well.

Don't ask how I know all this

Pray.

Dan

No. FIL didn't like that she found a new place, and has never visited. It's a really strange. W is basically estranged from her family, after moving to Houston to be near them. Huh?



That's a good Michelle 2X4 I needed. It did scare me when James sounded pissed about his stuff. But whatever. I've sure enjoyed his bigscreen TV


Dan, I hear you. Really, I could care less that W lives in a drug house, she found a great deal and I get to come visit.

The whole thing was kind of surreal, meeting James and Jaquir, wondering how in the world they have so much money, and then finding out. I'd bet there's a lot more drug money in white suburbia than we know. In fact, the rich white high school kids buy the most drugs. Probably from James and Jaquir


Thanks for the advice everyone!

Yep, mostly cocaine and heroine. A bit of marijuana. Of course, these same spoiled little rich white kids think they have so many problems they threaten suicide or cut on themselves with razor blades. Proof that money doesn't solve crap I guess. Or at least that it's not substitute for having involved parents who are home more than an hour a day.

(((Jon)))

Let her deal with stuff. It will both make her feel better about her own abilities as a person, and also appreciate the ways you did look out for her.

Good point again. This is working already.

OK, so just when I couldn't take the NC any more, W starts IMing me. I stayed on all day just in case. Yay! Hope I did well.

W: You there?
Me: Yes. Hi!
W: Why did you do that yesterday?
Me: I'm very sorry that I didn't protect you before, and wish I could now. The night of that shooting is a very painful memory even now
Me: Didn't mean that you don't have the situation under control, I know you do
W: I thought you liked the drama and excitement
Me: No, it scared the the junk out of me
Me: I started the next day trying to get a job in Austin, to get us out of there
W: You ran towards the gunshots and left me alone
Me: But nothing worked out and I was too prideful to do what I'm doing now
W: ok
Me: I watched until they found the shooter in a back yard to make sure we were safe
W: It frustrates me when you act like you care all of a sudden
Me: I understand that. But I do care. But I know it's too late, etc.
W: You could have been shot Jonathan
Me: I guess I never really worry about myself, but I worry about you
W: Never go towards gunfire unless you have business there. your voyeur ways are frightening
Me: That makes sense
W: to me, for your safety
Me: I appreciate that

- then followed some criticism of my Facebook, that it's prideful to only have pictures of me and my Harley. I joked that she took the pictures, then got serious:

Me: I'd much rather have pictures of you, it's strange not to
W: I do love that non of your so-called-friends knew my name when they asked about me
Me: I did a really bad job of using "Lauren", with you and other people. Working on that now.

We talked about Army Wives for a bit, then I let her go.

Jon, I think that you did a great job. You handled things maturely and lovingly.

I think that I read in DB/DR about how some couples end up taking classes on how to communicate better in order to be better parents and then decide not to divorce. To me, that story implies that they begin communicating about issues that have stood between them. It looks like you and your W are communicating about things in a respectful and validating manner and I imagine that forgiveness and healing can come in behind those conversations.

Dan

Dan,
I hope so. We talked last night also, after the chit-chat she brought up again how I wasn't protective, that I'm not protective of my own sister, etc. I told her I want to work on that.

I mentioned that we're both more confident now, and it's nice. Like, she wouldn't come to the beach before. She said it feels like I'm not confident in myself, but because I join certain groups, etc. That's always bothered W, that I like being a part of something. She's very much a "think for myself" person. Something to think about.

With the protective aspect, her dad and brother have made it clear that I'm never allowed in the family again, and soon-to-be BIL isn't either. Neither of us are good enough for the girls. If that's being protective, count me out. I feel like she's used to the anger and control of her family, and when it's not there she reacts.

Got an e-mail from W last night, asking if I we could go to San Antonio sometime, or some other adventure. I sent back a couple ideas, like tubing near San Antonio. She had already turned me down for Labor Day, saying she had plans.

She called after midnight, and told me she did something crazy, and couldn't be in water this weekend. W got her nipples pierced! She's so modest, I can't imagine her letting some guy do that. It's exciting though. I told her to cancel her plans so we could hang out this weekend, and she said yes. Very cool.

In other news, there's another hurricane headed for the armpit of texas, AKA Houston. Those poor, poor people. LOL. W just might have to stay with me for a while.

http://www.accuweather.com

Jon,
Your situation gives me some hope. I can model after your non-judgemental behavior.

Good job.

Dan