Thanks Tim Going to my friends house did help. We always have a good time together, a lot in common.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Don't let him control how you feel or make you feel guilty.
Easier said than done. I know I'm responsible for my feelings, but his actions & words affect me. I'm learning how to let some of them roll off my back, but walking the line between being self-aware & co-dependent is hard some days.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
It is like telling and alcoholic he is one.
Ironically, during our practice session last night with the homework from counseling, he said and I quote "I was raised by people who think working this hard, this long is normal, there is nothing wrong with it."
And the retort that sprang into my head (that I did not vocalize) was "I bet that is what the alcoholic child of an alcoholic says too."
I have stayed away from H's house today.. after last nights session of homework that degraded into him crying, pleading, begging & pushing, I told him I was sorry he was hurting, but I could not do what he was asking (go to bed with him & hold him).
I'm struggling to find the positive in our interactions lately. The song "cruel to be kind" keeps popping into my mind today.
Thanks for stopping by. Peace Bridge
Last edited by Bridgestone; 08/24/0812:38 AM.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Ironically, during our practice session last night with the homework from counseling, he said and I quote "I was raised by people who think working this hard, this long is normal, there is nothing wrong with it."
And the retort that sprang into my head (that I did not vocalize) was "I bet that is what the alcoholic child of an alcoholic says too."
I think that's being unfair. America has long had a culture that places value on work over everything else. I'd go so far as to guess that you fall into that yourself. You shouldn't equate that in your H with alcoholism unless you're ready to shine that critical light on friends, family, and self as well. IMO. Criticism is easy, forgiveness and acceptance is hard, but they're required. Think of it in the context of teaching. Do you criticize your students for their backgrounds and varied learning approaches/abilities? At what point do you accept?
Hey Bridge, I just read your post on Goldey's thread, now I'm crying more. Wah !
I can't imagine how I'll handle it next year when S leaves my nest.
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Ironically, during our practice session last night with the homework from counseling, he said and I quote "I was raised by people who think working this hard, this long is normal, there is nothing wrong with it."
And the retort that sprang into my head (that I did not vocalize) was "I bet that is what the alcoholic child of an alcoholic says too."
I think that's being unfair. America has long had a culture that places value on work over everything else. I'd go so far as to guess that you fall into that yourself. You shouldn't equate that in your H with alcoholism unless you're ready to shine that critical light on friends, family, and self as well. IMO. Criticism is easy, forgiveness and acceptance is hard, but they're required. Think of it in the context of teaching. Do you criticize your students for their backgrounds and varied learning approaches/abilities? At what point do you accept?
lodo
There is a fine line between criticizing someone for working so many hours and trying to get through to them that it is killing your R. I understand working long hours. It is required when starting and owning your own business but I also realize that I must take time out for myself and my family.
I think what Bridge is trying to tell her H is just because your parents were workaholics does not mean you have to be one. Yes put in the hours when it is required but please take time out for us and yourself. I don't think it was criticizm just a request to be put first sometimes.
We all need to feel like we are the most important person in someones lives, not all the time but some of the time. I think this is what Bridge is saying, I need to know that I am more important than work thats all. I related it to alcoholism because neither one acknowledges they have a problem even when they are told over and over again.
(((((Bridge))))) I survived! It was hard dropping S18 off at school, but it went really well. As for songs, please stop my thread called 'Perfect Playlist'. I think Cruel to be Kind may make the list! I'll post it when it's done, my Top 40 of all time to mark the occasion of my turning 40 next month! Suggestions welcome. Peace.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
Lodo... I have thought long & hard about what you have written. You do challenge me sometimes
I'm not willing to be in a partnership with a person who consistantly & regularly chooses to work 28-29 days a month, and 12-18 hour days. Month after month, year after year. It has been at the expense of the marriage and the kids. I asked, I begged, I yelled, I gave in & became resentful, .. to basically no avail.
Everyone's job has 'busy' times & 'stressful' times & it gets priority for a while over other things. But not on consistant & regular basis. That is what distinguishes them from a workaholic, as was my analogy for the alcoholic.
A lot of America drinks to excess as well upon occassion, and there are times when it has priority (New Years Eve, parties, SuperBowl, etc) however, when one's excessive use become regular & consistant, then there is a problem.
Calling the excessive use on a regular consistant basis: "normal" I can not tolerate in a partner for either alcohol or for work. Other people are welcome to a different opinion & standard of acceptance. This is mine.
Tim, Thanks for clarifying the same position. I think you said it a different way but it means the same.
{{{{Goldey}}}
I'm so glad things were not as bad as you anticipated. Another failing of mine.. 'anticipation'. Reminds me of the Heinz ketchup commercial, but not something you should have on your Top40 list!
I have such a list as I am an AVID music listener & collector of 'new' genres & artists. I love youtube!!
I will post my top 80's songs on your thread tonight!
My 'drop-off' day is Thursday.. we leave with S on Wednesday. We'll just recycle the prayers from your thread onto mine that day!
(((SC))) Thanks for your support in all ways & in all places. BTDT means so much to me.. I hope you have an idea of how much?
hugs to those who want them, Peace to all Bridge
Last edited by Bridgestone; 08/25/0802:13 PM.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Something I posted on Distressed67's thread this morning about counseling between H & I.
I just wanted it here to journal where we are 'at' right now with counseling work.
The C. helps both H & I 'stay true(er)' to the new guidelines we are learning about how to communicate and solve conflicts.
The counseling has helped him learn to listen to me better and for me to share more clearly, than we ever have. We have tried the conflict resolutions stuff by ourselves the past week or so, as homework, & it has gotten really ugly. It's amazing how deep old habits go, even when we have the best intentions not to go there. I still need to do a lot of work.
We go back to C today & I'm hoping that we can continue to learn new habits & how to diffuse the bad situations we get ourselves into, in a way that leave both parties feeling respected.
HOWEVER<.. I was SOOOO unwilling to go to MC with H. He ridiculed my IC & our MC we had, he kept choosing his job over going to MC. (once I left he was ALL about going to MC & I refused).
These are things I know you are not doing... but I think the feeling of the WAW is to resist going to MARRIAGE counseling.
In fact, what we are doing is not really working on the 'marriage' issues as much as commuincation counseling. Maybe that might be something you can ask her if she'd be willing to do with you?
H was willing to compromise- he wanted to jump back into marriage issues & I did not= as I pointed out to him, we would have to be communicating at least for the next 5 years about our D as we raised her.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Well counseling today went ok. It was the afterward that sucked, again.
The counselor saw my angst when working through an issue & asked about it. H was 'oblivious' ...his words. He wouldn't deal with his upset about it in counseling, he nodded his head in all the right places, repeated all the right phrases, and smiled.
Then there was the car ride home... ugg.. I'm beginning to hate my car (& for those that know me that is saying alot).
When I tried validating & asking him to tell me more.. I got sarcasm, ridicule and eventually taking intimacies I have trusted with him about my 'bubble' vs. my 'wall' and proceeded to ridicule those.
I replied that "I hear you saying you think I should run behind my wall now, since you have poked holes in my bubble. Can you tell me how that makes you feel?"
His reply "like you're a f'ing bee-atch".. to which I replied, you think I'm an 'f-ing bee-atch". He grunted, I shut my eyes and pretended to take a nap (he was driving), while I sang myself songs in my head.
Such good communication, huh??
When we got to his house, he said.. "well I can expect you to not talk to me now for the next week for how I've treated you, right?"
I replied, I'm sorry you have that expetation, if that is what you want I'll try but it will make a long trip to drop S18 off at college on Wednesday (10 hours away)".
He grunted, said 'whatever' and walked into his house.
I drove home, greeted the kids, went to the driving range to hit golf balls, then went to Walmart for some oil for my car & bought myself a dozen white roses on a whim. I'm so worth it (& they were on sale!:)
A part of me is scared that I'm so detached from this latest outburst on his part.. another part of me says it's good. Time will tell.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
((((((((Bridge sweetie)))))))), I think you ought to show him what a f'ing b*tch really looks like. He has it all wrong.
<<"well I can expect you to not talk to me now for the next week for how I've treated you, right?" >>
My smart *ss reply would have been...... "gee, you're finally learning" & I would have walked away.
Maybe I should start a thread for b*tch (well DAM call it b*tch, smart men call it assertiveness) lessons.
You are so sweet & trying so hard, & I can't believe he doesn't see it, & appreciate it. I'm thinking he needs a 2x4, what do you think ? You really are a special woman. You are valuable & deserve to be treated with love & respect & gentleness.
hugs & love
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
You handled the counseling and car trip following great. Don't play into his game. That is exactly what he is expecting. I am normally a very outspoken person especially when it comes to relationships and it has been the most difficult thing I have had to do, to hold my tongue. I understand and I don't know what I would have done given your sitch but you did the right thing.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
