TD, I wanted to add to the chorus of thanks for this. You threads here didn't tell your whole story, and now I realize you've been at this a lot longer than I thought, which gives me hope. I really hope that you will keep posting--we need your gentle guidance, humor and positive attitude!!
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I just wanted you to know I am here. I didn't read all your posts on this page because I was just now able to get back on this site. I will read them though. Also, I wanted to tell you that I had a major backslide on Monday. H didn't find out about some of it until yesterday though. It was another mess; -- phone convo.
Anyway, I'm sorry to hijack your thread, but I think he may have access to this site and my thread. At least that's what it looked like to me yesterday when I saw this site was in the computer's history. He admitted he was on the computer Wednesday night. And he seems to know when I'll be home so he can come when I'm not here.
Anyway, I'm pretty sad today because I find myself being really gunho to practice the DB principles, and then I get really really weak and blow the whole sha..bam! Not much support on my thread anyway. Oh well, I'm going down no-return road.
Don't worry about hijacking my thread, I rarely get activity and it was kind of a final update anyways. Besides I am the worse hijacker on the site, which is why I put these threads together to tell my story. Most of my sitch is on other peoples threads....lol (I am glad people understand)
As far as him accessing your thread, this is a public site, so anything you write can be read from any computer (it doesn't have to be yours). You may feel safer in changing your name again or perhaps making a whole new account (if you change your name it will change all the old posts so he could easily find it again). Please be careful in covering your tracks....I am assuming you want to be somewhat anonymous. I know there are other sites as well, I can't vouch for them, since I have never been there, but they might be a safer place.
Having the backslides is very normal at this stage in the game.....this isn't easy, it is work.
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Oh well, I'm going down no-return road.
What do you mean about this? Please take care of yourself
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
I mean, last night was such a hurtful convo that I'm crying even now thinking about it. Things said were both of us saying there doesn't even seem to be anymore "friendship" and that was the one that hurt the most. He is so angry and I don't blame him. I've done some things to hurt him, and he seems to hold grudges even though that is what he accuses me of. He also said, "This is why I don't want to go to dinner with you. You just keep doing things to make me." (More about the dinner thing later in this post).
I reminded him last night of a comment he made at the beginning of all this ... "There is no healing." He claims he never said that, but he did. I said it back to him last night, and I'm horrified.
I can't get into more detail about it, but I definitely don't want to go to another site. I had a session with Michelle yesterday, and she wanted me to say certain things to him when he called me last night, but I never even got the chance to do that because he was so angry when he called me.
Earlier in the day, I had asked him to go out and eat with me this Sunday and he flatly refused, saying he didn't want to be alone with me. I asked, "Are you afraid of me?" He said no, he just didn't want to talk about the things I want to talk about, (probably meaning the divorce separation of property etc. or the R) but I said that I wanted to just keep it light. Then he just said, No, he didn't want to. Then later last night, during our convo when he was so angry, he said, "That's why I won't go out with you, because of things like this." That is what keeps me believing he doesn't want to see me -- period! He keeps coming up with one excuse after another, and it's always something different.
Michelle said I "have to believe that when he comes over to the house for whatever reason, he does want to see me." My negative MA keeps telling me he won't come over, he won't come over, he wants to move on, he's done with me.
Michelle wants me to go dark, and I am going to do this starting today. I need support. I need support. I need help. I'm sinking again. I know how to GAL and I'm doing it. I need words of wisdom if there is any hope at all of saving this M.
I've just read your last post and just had a thought but could you ask SG to re-register you on the site and start again under a different name? Just a thought (sorry TD)
Michele gave you some good words of wisdom. It seems like he is much too angry right now to be his friend. Going dark might be a good way to help "cool" things down a bit. If you do have conversations with your H and it starts heading away from a peaceful one then find a gracious way to get off of the phone. Right now you can not win an argument with him.....so there is no point in having one (even so there is no winning in arguments). Give him this space. Also throwing his words back at him as you know now doesn't work....he simply will deny them.
We are here to support you. I only suggested possibly another site, because if your H is reading everything you are writing/venting it may have an adverse effect on his outlook on things from two different perspectives; 1) he may not agree with what you are writing about him, 2) he may not "trust" your actions as being yours....i.e. he might think the only reason you do what you do is because you are told to do it here.
The best advice I could give about going dark would be to not concern yourself with what he is doing (i.e wondering if he is going to be at the house, wondering if he is going to call, etc). These things shouldn't matter to you. This isn't an excuse to be rude or vindictive....just you have your life and you are leading it. Also, I would find some things that truly take up time and give you peace. This isn't going to happen overnight and it is going to take some time.
And most of all keep telling yourslef that no matter what happens to your R, you will be OK. I know this is scary, but the more you face your fears and put them behind you, the better you will be at this whole DB thing
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
"...he might think the only reason you do what you do is because you are told to do it here."
Yes, I agree, TD. Thank you for reminding me of this. I'm am sure I do the things, I do here is because I WANT to do them, but H seems to have this nethermost-world perspective of me as far as my personality goes. I can do no good - while he, on the other hand, can do no wrong. Although he has said the breakup was "both our faults," I cannot truly judge the outcome of my actions without seeing him. And I cannot see him while I am so wrapped-up with how to deal with my own emotions, at this point.
I sometimes feel that I am a woman of strength, but this whole sitch has me in an almost imperceptible conundrum that I cannot seem to kick. What pushes my buttons? Why do I keep sliding into his ditches without holding onto my own dignity? THAT seems to be my biggest obstacle. I want to get out of this with dignity!
I think this is my most coveted desire. But, I also know that his pushing this, is showing his darker side. I always knew he had it. He once told me that, "I have been known to be an insensitive lout." Therefore, it doesn't suprise me, in essence, that he does not care what I need.
And, in all of this, I STILL can't let go of this deep seated fear that I NEED more time.
I want to keep loving him. In fact, I have even begun to realize that he wants what he wants and is not going to budge. I have all but decided to give him the house and let him go! I truly want him to be happy. I love him dearly ... so much so that I pray this is not just another addiction. But I NEED more time to JUST SORT OUT my feelings.
I read in a book yesterday that the WAS is ALWAYS at least a year ahead of us in dealing with their issues of separation and divorce, which leaves us hanging in the shadows EMOTIONALLY. This is the conundrum, with which I need the most help. I know I can do this, but he is not giving me the dignity of time. I have weathered many storms (sometimes worse). But the thing I need from him the MOST is more time to deal with this inside, and he does not want to give me this. I am going to need it if he is going to get what he wants, and I cannot TELL him this. I'm frightened...
