She paid more attention to him...I put him at the bottom of my priority list under the kids and job ...I thought we were secure through anything and tried to be the best mom and manager at work.... she was willing to go out and party all night and call in sick if she was hungover... i had babies and responsibilities... and i was not there enough sexually...
he went to her... even though the last 5 months we have had a better sexual relationship and bonding than ever..he cant stop thinking of her.
he is pretty stubborn...wants to stick to his decision... feels the kids and families will get over it....
i am not texting him anymore...he sent me a few this morning..which i responded to ... but i am trying to move foreward.
i have an attorney appt for monday... not to give up though...just to see..i am scared
i want to fight for my family and marriage but his exact words were we are done....
Do you think he loves her or just thinks he loves her.... he obviously misses her when they are not together....
I think he loves the buzz she gives him - not her....and in time that fades and the WAS realises that reality just doesn't add up the way they thought it would.
Calm down and get to work working on you.
My H had an A for 18 months. He was right at the bottom of my list and got fed up with that. He though I no longer loved him. In a way I was lucky that I did not know the A was going on....so when I started putting him higher on my list again he new it was because I had changed within myself and not just as a reaction to finding out he was having an A. It made him come clean about the A and recommit to me. Even so - he still felt obligated to letting OW down gently - the b!tch that tried to ruin my M!! Now, (look at my time line), he sees the OW for what she was. Give it time.
((((((HUGS)))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie.. i have changed to make our relationship better... before i knew about her. He has acknowledged my changes..but it is not stopping his feelings for her...
He has moved to the very top of my list and he knows it... time is not my friend.....
I am not texting him at all.. i will respond if it is important.. he is coming tonight to get his clothes... i thought about packing for him to get him out of here quicker... what do you think i should do guys?
thanks for the hugs... my heart is aching and i feel so incredibly lonely
Time is on your side! The A will falter, heck it already has! The thrill will die, all of the little things that drive people crazy about each other will begin to come out, pretty soon... not so much fun anymore.
If you have an attitude of defeat it will show through your actions. If you have an attitude of confidence that will show also. Which do you want to display? I understand how difficult it is. This is why the seasoned DB'r says - work on yourself. Allow yourself to give your H all the time he needs. The only time you need to portray confidence is when you see him which in the big picture is a very short time frame. Build a positive attitude about YOU and what you are wanting to accomplish. He will see it, I guarantee it!!
The other side of this is all of the emotion you are feeling. You should feel this, it is normal. It hurts, it sucks, but it is normal!! Allow yourself the emotions. The only time you need to bottle them is when he is around. There is a site that calls this "charging nuetral", similar to acting As If. This is the place to start. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be perky and happy right off the bat. Go for nuetral, not happy, not sad. As your the confidence in yourself builds, bring the happy up a notch. The key is not too much too fast. Make the attitude yours, own it. Develop the confidence in your own way, on your own time frame. It can be done, I've done it.
Bring your emotions here, let them out, we'll walk with you and support you the entire way.
Well I just finished packing up his clothing and suitcases.... Sent him a text message letting him know is stuff is packed..ready to go.. He sent me thank you...i will be by tonight... that doesnt make me feel like it has faltered in any way... she is moving her clothes over as we speak....
i look like crap have been crying all day... for his 5 minute pick up do i need to shower and put on make up just to look as if i am ok?
Based on what I have picked up here, the last thing you want is for him to see ypu totally broken up. I will be coreected if wrong, but you do not need to be perky and happy, but not totally despondent either.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
i look like crap have been crying all day... for his 5 minute pick up do i need to shower and put on make up just to look as if i am ok?
Sandy
Welcome San-I don't think I've posted before on your thread but glad you found us! This is a great group who have helped me out so much!!!
I think 100% yes. One of the major things is for me at least, showering and makeup and wearing a nice outfit makes me have more confidence and better PMA and makes me feel better about myself than when I haven't showered or wearing sweats or something. So my vote is yes! Karen
I know how you feel , I mean sick. I also am trying to save my marriage. I have just started playing it cool with H
Partying all night and calling in sick is not reality. He will get sick of it.
For me the feeling of being in an affair was like going on holiday to a fabulous place . Fun , exciting , no worries etc. But you know that it is not real. You hit earth eventually.
He will remember why he loved you. He will have moments of regret. Thats how I felt and it is how i know others that I know felt.
It was because my husband had GAL that made him more attractive to me . So chin up and yes make yourself attractive as you can be. Let him see what he has lost and hey you got the kids.
Time is on your side. It will take a while for your H to realise that this fantasy he has in his head with OW is NOT all he thought it would be. At the moment all those 'love chemicals' are scrambling his brain - once he lives with her for a while and sees her annoying habits he will miss you and the kids and then things will start to change.
Hold yourself together whilst that happens and you have a good chance. Become the person you were when you met yor H - the one he fell in love with.
I tell you, I can imagine that the first few weeks away from family life and all it's responsibilities sounds like heaven to me, ( no-one nagging at my side and saying "Can I have this/ can I do this?" all the time; crikey, I have even though a stint in prison sounded good at times- all my meals cooked and time on my hands), but I am SURE that with time those feelings will wear thin with your H.
I know how bad it hurts now - I am not belittling what you are going through. I am just saying it is not necessarily the end at this point just because he is picking up his stuff. Those are THINGS. His real 'stuff' - the kids and you, he knows are safe at home.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hopefully the exchange went OK last night. In these situations, limit the amount of contact with your H as you build your PMA. E-mail, txting are acceptable. The reason is you can write a pretty cheerful note even if your eyes are swollen with tears. The other tool you have at your disposal is his mind. Do some 180's on him. Instead of responding immediately and giving the impression that you are just sitting there waiting. Let the response wait for a couple of hours. Let him start to wonder what YOU are doing. This is simple and you have total control of your response timeframe. Don't bend over backwards to please him and meet his every want and desire. Put a few ground rules together in your head, jot them down here and let us fine tune them for you. Boundaries reflect confidence. At least reasonable boundaries do.
You can do this, many have, the key is to pull back and begin to realize you only "think" you know what is going on in his head. The reality is, his thoguht processes are as confused as yours. He's already proven it by leaving you, leaving her, then leaving you again. Behavior is based on patterns, a behvaviorial pattern is difficult to change. Watch his patterns, see what they portray about his toughts and his true direction. Patterns will reveal themselves over time. They will not be single events or even a couple of similar events. They take time to reveal themselves. Sit back and see what unfolds, take this time to continue to improve you.
Karen