Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

Weird day. H has the girls--from last night until Monday morning. At about 9am, D11 calls me, saying I have to come over right away because Daddy can't walk. (H lives a mile away from me.)

Apparently, his leg was hurting last night and then this morning when he got up to go to the bathroom, something snapped or went into spasm and his back/leg was in so much pain that he couldn't walk; at first, the pain was so intense that he was sweating and felt like he was going to faint, which is why he had D11 call me.

I was getting ready to go over there when H called back and said I didn't have to come over after all. The pain was not as severe and his parents were coming. So I went on with my day, letting him know that I would be around if he/they needed me.

I called him at 7pm to see how he was; he's still in a lot of pain, but his parents are there with the girls. He said that no one wants to leave him alone for the night. I said they could all (him, the girls and his parents) stay here if they wanted. He said he couldn't get here, because he can't walk (even to the car), he can only crawl. That made me laugh. I said it was karma. I felt a little bad, but I think it was OK.

It's the first time he's sort of, kind of, needed me in a long time--even though he doesn't really need me. He kept apologizing this morning for asking me to come over.

It's just weird, that's all. I guess when push comes to shove, I am of course still there for him, and I assume he would be for me in an emergency. Kind of sad that it takes an emergency (or something close) to make us drop the crap and just be there for each other.

bump^

I just wanted to say that I'll be rooting for you. I haven't had time to read your whole story (been kind of caught up in my own personal crisis), but I can relate to your feelings of loneliness and the frustration at being told that the entire marriage was a farce. (I was told the same thing by my H). I feel very confident that he's lost his mind. I've been told that people use their memories to reenforce what they need to have reenforced. In fact, the C who told me that said that if truth be told, i was probably remembering the marriage a little better than it actually was because it suited my purpose. Somehow that made it seem a litle better.

So, keep that in mind...you are remembering it too good, and he's remembering it too bad, and the truth likely lies in the middle somewhere (probably much closer to your memories than his).

Keep trying to enjoy the time you will have to yourself now.

Amy M

Bad few days. I've been missing H--really missing him. There was the immediate relief after he first left and then I was sort of enjoying the freedom and getting to redecorate our/my bedroom. Now I feel really sad and lonely.

This week I went to visit some mutual friends with the girls and I really felt H's absence. Tonight the girls and I went to a concert in the park and when we got home there was a voicemail from H, calling to talk to the girls, saying he was watching the Olympics. He sounded sad--or maybe that was me projecting onto him. I just felt like sobbing, hearing his voice. I miss him and I know he is still completely certain that he made the right choice.

In a couple of weeks, the girls and I are going up to my summer home in the mountains. It will be the first time since 1989 that I'm going without H. I invited lots of friends so I/we would be distracted, but I am now feeling really sad and worried that it's going to be very painful for me to be up there without H. He's left his mark on the house--a house that's been in my family for 96 years. There are books he's left there, a sign he made out of twigs, chairs we chose together--on and on. H LOVES this place--swam in the lake every morning before breakfast, loved hiking in the mountains, sailing--the whole thing. It just feels awful to think of being there without him, and to also know that he doesn't want to be with me to the point that he would reject this incredible house among so many other great things we shared in life.

I have tried for the most part to play it very cool since he left--to be businesslike and friendly but busy-seeming (except for one major phone fight we had). I am sometimes so tempted to just be open and vulnerable and tell him that I miss him. I think I will want to share that with him even more when I'm up at my house in the mountains. I know it wouldn't be good idea, but I hate being forced to behave like none of this matters or hurts.

Hi Love...just reading a bit of your thread. I think it was a good thing that the first person he called was you. I am sorry you are feeling sad right now, but make a few new memories at the summer house, and instead of focusing on the fact that your H is missing, remember the good times you had there. I know they will be bittersweet, but sometimes its all in the way you look at it. (((Love)))

Lmg, hang in there, My W is acting just like your H...Worse I'd say in some areas. We have to make it better for ourselves.

I am so confused about how to deal with my H. As I get distance from the horribleness of those last few months, I feel both better and worse. Sometimes I miss him a lot--or at least the old him--and it's enough to make me cry. But a lot of the time, I feel OK on my own, more relaxed and much happier in general.

He and I mostly talk or email just to arrange stuff regarding our Ds. Sometimes, though, we'll chat about other stuff, or enjoy talking about things the girls said or did. There are times when I feel like I could become his friend, but when I start going there, I invariably remember some of the hurtful, infuriating things H said or did over this past year, and it makes me pull back into businesslike mode. I have a deep distrust of him now, after what he's done. When he seems to be enjoying talking to me or seeing me, I'm at first happy and then I worry that he's faking it--since he talked so much about having lived a lie in our M.

I considered him my best friend for so long--and I really miss that part of our R. We laugh at the same things and had a lot of common interests and a lot of fun together.

I want to forgive him for what he has done, but I don't know if I ever really will. I have no idea what he really wants from our R, either. As we were separating, he said he hoped we'd remain friends, but it's not like he's all that friendly toward me now.I have completely lost hope and interest in a romantic R; now I feel like I'm mourning the friendship part--and it hurts all over again and in some ways feels like the biggest loss.

What happens is that I forget for a while and we chat and banter and seem like the old us, and then my anger/hurt rises up in me and I have flashbacks about some of the things he's said/done and I don't trust him.

I guess it's a process and it will evolve.

In general, though, I am doing quite well, which is probably why my posts are infrequent. I'm not as obsessed with my M and am enjoying this time in life despite the pain that surfaces here and there.

I would even be up for a date, but that seems hard to imagine. My world is completely mom/family/kid oriented and I work at home, so unless I join an online dating service, I don't see a lot of dates in my future (and the online thing doesn't appeal to me right now.)

I'm glad to "hear" you sounding so well. I know what you mean about mourning the friendship part. Sometimes I wish I never would have married my husband so that we'd still be the best of friends...

Take care, lmg.

ack. Tomorrow H&I are meeting at a cafe to figure out the fall schedule for the kids and some other matters. I asked him if he'd do a few things around the house for me after and he said yes.

I'm feeling nervous about it. I've seen him many times since the S--when dropping off/picking up the girls, or at the mediator's. We haven't been alone together.I am inclined to be friendly and warm toward him at times, but (as I mentioned in above post), then I become overwhelmed with recalling some of his terribly hurtful actions and words and it makes me so furious and sad.

Today I was looking at some photos of us when D11 was a baby. We looked so happy most of the time. Made me SO sad.

I just don't know what I really feel or how to act--do I still love H, do I hate him, is he really a different person now, do I want to have an effect on him, do I care?

Honey, there is a thin line between love and hate.

If I may make a suggestion, pretend you are meeting with a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. You will be pleasant, cordial, and when the meeting is over, you will walk away pleasant and cordial. Not only does this leave him wondering, but it gives you the greatest self esteem knowing you handled it with style and grace.

And remember, never let 'em see you sweat.