Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Onward but not so Upward right now

Mishka--
Focus on what you were able to accomplish surrounding the impact on S13. She is NOTHING like you, I don't care what she went through in the past. How do I know? Because, even going through what she did, she has gone ahead and inflicted this misery on another human being. She is less than dirt. Let her live in that knowledge and guilt for the rest of her life.

Your h lied to her at the beginning of their R? And she decided to continue it, anyway? What do you think that holds for them? Lies upon lies.

I know that you feel humiliated. I have felt that way. But what do we have to be ashamed of? Trusting our Hs? Making human mistakes that we would have worked on, had things been communicated? Going onto this website and whatever other self-help steps you have taken to become a better person and try to save your marriage? We didn't "loose" these men by our negligence; they were cowards and slunk away.

You are so much more than that woman can ever hope to be. You have your INTEGRITY intact. You can look into the mirror and know that you did your best, and will strive to continue your own growth. You are aware.

You were with a H who was worth it, until he decided to change. What kind of person did she get? A lier and a cheater. Let her have him.

Ok I have read some not all of your other thread.

I am going to tell you something that was told to me a long time ago, and I could not entertain the thought of it.

When My X left. I didn't really find out about the OW till about 1 year later. It was my absolute mission in life that my children NEVER meet her.

It was my only goal in life. I would do ANYTHING, to make sure this happend.

Oh and BTW, during all my stopping, and huffing and puffing, about it, little did I know, that my children had ALREADY met her. Yeah. X called her a different a name. He introduced her to my kids by another name, so for a year I thought they met his friend from work that was married, and her name was Michelle.

When the entire time it was really Susan, the OW that they met.

So anyway, I would rant and rave and say if you think my kids are going to meet that whore, you better think again, I will do whatever it takes so that my kids know that you CAN NOT be married and have a whore GF.

I was LIVID. People would post to me and tell me to calm down, and I was like Um NO. These are my morals, and they are going to be followed and I will see to it, and blah blah blah..........

I was a complete ass.

One day a poster named Laughing posted to me. She posted to me in such a way, and said to me not in so many words, that I was doing damage to my kids.

Well, I felt like I was hit with a truck. I sat right up, and I read it over and over.

She told me that if I continue to make this such a big issue, that when my D was final, he was going to take my kids and shove them down the throat of the OW.

He will fast forward the 2 years of their relationship, and force my kids to get up to speed.

That is exactly what happend.

The chip on my shoulder was about to be chipped off piece by piece and I can not tell you , how HARD that was/is.

I had to everyday, try to get rid of some of this anger and jealousy, and back talk, and thinking my shitte didn't stink, b/c I thought I was better, because I was NOT the one that had the physical affair, and walked out on my children.

My Holier than thou self, was consuming all my decisions.

I had to look deep within myself and UGH what you see sucks.

I had to realize my part in the demise of this marriage. When i really thought of it and wrote it down on one of my threads, i felt like I could not breathe.

I felt naked. I no longer thought my shitte didn't stink.

I no longer thought that HOW DARE This OW think that she can have any rights to seeing my children.

WEll, I am part of the reason that he went off looking. I am part of the reason that he was TIRED of hearing that chip on my shoulder speak.

Sooooo Besides learning to chip away at the chip on my shoulder, I now had to learn to bite my tongue.

All I wanted to do was stomp my feet and put my fingers in my ears and hold my breathe and wanted to wish all of this went away.


I had to LET GO(ick) and DETACH (ick)

I spoke with the OW while i still had the chip and ripped her a new butthole. Guess what. My X became spiteful, and threatened me, and said if you ever speak to her like that again and blah blah.

My actions were not giving me good results.

I was losing here.

I gave in, to what I could not control. I shut up. ( I don't always do it still)

My chidren see the OW, they have slept there, they have gone to the beach with her and her children and my X.

I tell them before they go, have a great time, make sure you clean up after yourselves and be respectful to papi, and ask if you can borrow her kids stuff ok.

I felt like well, if my kids are going to go there, these people ar going to see that I raise my kids with respect, and they are going to look their best. This MESS is not going to make me any less of a parent to my kids.



The first time I said it i ran upstairs and threw up.

So this pain you are feeling baby girl, and the thought of this woman, being by your child, or the thought of this woman seeing your child smile, or seeing your child do something amazing, or just something ordinary, the thought of all it, is discusting and so much to take.

yeah it is. And I am so very sorry, that you have to go thru it. But guess what, sweetie, while you are crawling into your hole these things are still going to happen.

So, I want you to try and pray for strength, that you can accept this path, with as much grace, and dignity as you can. Try and pray for God to show you all the times that you can be thankful.

Like, thank you God that she is nice to my child. Thank you God that in her weird way of winning over my H she is being nice to my child.

Changing your perspective on it, may bring you some peace.

I didn't mean to talk about myself, I just maybe wanted to try and help, that way that Laughing helped me. I still make mistakes, I still get hurt, but i dont' want to crawl in that hole anymore.

Life is pretty fantastic, and I want you to know that it can be again.

TIME dear heart, and faith.

(((((mishka))))))

I wish I knew what to say. I think Lissie and Donna both posted some wise words, so wanted to leave a hug and say I'm thinking of you. Give it time- you've just had a HORRIBLE experience. I can't imagine how difficult it must be (just thinking of the time I met the aubergine makes me feel sick).

I'm thinking of you.

((((Donna))))((((Lissie)))))(((((Lisa))))))

Lissie - WOW! You absolutely hit the nail on the head. Everything you said is exactly where I have been and I am thankful to you for opening up to me. I could feel the damage happening to my son but I couldn't seem to stop myself. I knew he was around OW but the thought of him being there overnight in her place while she slept in the same bed with my H was making me crazy. Thought stopping has been impossible. I have cried for 2 straight days because of meeting her.

The strange thing is that I don't think she is a bad person, I just think she has no morals at all, but neither does H so they're perfect for each other.

I'm so tired. I'm exhausted from the crying and the raw emotions.

While I was in church I received a text from H asking me if S13 had asked me if he could spend tonight at H's also. I told him that he hadn't asked me. He said he didn't think he had and that he wanted to. I told him it was fine but that he would need his meds and clothes. H will be by this afternoon some time to pick them up. I SO don't want to be here when he does but at the same time I want to see my son so I'll be here.

I am sick over this. I know in my head that I have to let this go and stop hurting so much over the betrayal. It will only be my problem to deal with and my hurt will never be reflected to my H. He could care less really that he destroyed me. I put on a good face most of the time really but I'm such a mess inside. I just can't imagine ever purposely going out to look for another R before you finished the one you were in. I can't understand why he never talked to me about the way he was feeling. Honestly though, we never talked about our feelings in things because both of us are non-confrontational. He didn't want to hurt me so he never talked to me and vice versa. Look where we ended up.

I just feel like my life has been a total waste. 19 years of my life invested in a R and POOF - gone. Done. I'm not a quitter so quitting fighting for my M is killing me. It really doesn't matter though does it? In the end, we only have ourselves to blame. I know I will never trust another person as long as I live and that's a sad thing to realize.

Lissie, I'm glad to hear that there is some sort of recovery at some point from the pain. I just need to be numb and realize that I'll go on breathing no matter what because I have to for my son.

My next question is how do you get past the total loneliness? I feel like a prisoner in my own home because I can't leave my mom alone for more than a few hours. She won't allow anyone else to come stay with her (not that I have any options where that is concerned anyway). I try to make plans with friends but they always bail out on me at the last minute. I honestly don't talk about this crap with any of them because I don't want to drive them away. They're my only tie to some sanity.

What do you do to fill time when you really have no options of any people to do things with?

Sigh, I am glad you found it helpful.

Well, I was soo obsessed with detaching that I took classes, on all sorts of stuff.

I would do that when X was coming over to pick up the kids. So maybe an hour or 2 of my time.

I didn't want to just sit here and cry, b/c many a day I went to work looking like road kill from crying.

Now I don't have to occupy all of my time, anymore, it does come naturally. I can NOW hang out with my married friends again, that took a long while.

Slowly but surely you do get some normalcy, and I remember the first day I laughed loud. Like, tears coming down your face, I am gonna peeeee on my self, laugh. I caught myself then I started crying b/c i was so happy that I laughed again.

one day at a time sugar.

Blessings to you.

hmmmm...classes. I wonder if I can find some that are low cost. I'll have to look into that. Not a bad idea for occupying my mind.

H just came with s13 to pick up some more clothes and his meds. My son was so happy. He seemed like he couldn't get out of here back into the car with his dad fast enough. I smiled and laughed with him, he told me about some of the things he had been doing at his dad's and about playing with OW's son. Her son is 8 but my son is immature because of his Aspberger's.

I managed to put on a happy face the whole time and even went out to the car to ask H if he would pay half of s13's school registration fees this coming week. I was dreading asking him but this is his child too and he should be paying these things.

I'm totally freaked about the financial situation I'm about to be in because of my health insurance. I'm trying to come up with a strategy for working on my new business but it doesn't seem to be coming along. Hope I find a way soon.

((((((Mishka)))))))

I don't have time to really properly respond right now. No, that's not right, I have time, but no energy! I'm worn out!

But, keep believing in yourself, and please know that your life has not been a waste! The details will be a pain, and there will be frustration and anger to get through, I'm sure. But I am sure you are going to be ok.

(((((((Mishka)))))))

I like that too. I've started taking a taekwondo class-they offer it through my local Parks and Rec (and this is a small town). It's $10 a month! And they also offer yoga and aerobics classes. I've thought of taking some of those maybe too, but learning taekwondo really takes your mind off problems b/c at least for me figuring out all the different arm movements and leg movements at the same time! is challenging for me so I literally can't think about my sad, sad sitch. Plus lots of guys do TKD although unfortunately most are married, but still there are a few single guys too. I think learning new stuff helps build your confidence too! Really recommend that! (My kids are enjoying TKD too). Karen

(((Mishka)))

Another idea for things to do. Have you looked into one of those meetup groups? I know NikB has had a lot of success and made some good friends.

AnewAmy - What do you mean by meetup groups? I am in a Divorce Care group that is wonderful. I have met some really great people that way. We are all in so much trauma and turmoil right now though that outside of the group we have a hard time getting together.

I laugh with my friends and co-workers that it's sad that the only thing I look forward to every week is my Thursday night group meeting and the waffle house afterward.

Karen - I'm definitely going to look into my park and rec dept and see what classes they are offering. I know they usually offer yoga. I'd like that. I've been having one heck of a time getting time for myself because of my sick mother. She makes me feel like I'm abandoning her because I'm not home in the evening. She's just going to have to get over it. It's not like she's totally helpless, she just can't cook for herself and she doesn't like being alone. She'll live through it though. I just need to be more forceful about what I need. I don't look out for myself enough. It's always been about everyone else in my life so I guess I just have to let some of that go. It just feels so selfish.

You are such wonderful people. I appreciate all of your help and advice more than I can ever say. I do get myself into such sad, hopeless states and I feel like nothing will ever be good again and then I read all of your stories and posts and instantly know that I am NOT alone.

I'm here for you all always!