Hi Ali I came back to edit or delete this but unfortunately I left it too late. I do not wish to hurt you by being outspoken but I personally found my resolve to move on (from my despair and pain) was greater when some person gave me a not so gentle nudge) I know I keep saying this but it is true these are very early days for you in terms of acceptance or Dbing. You must grieve your loss of what was, of the hopes and dreams you shared for the future as a couple. So once again I say, be kind to yourself and you will just know when you have cried enough and dust yourself off and find "yourself". (((()))))
I think it might be (g) as well- we don't know what it is. Perhaps if he's been on the phone to his Mum he feels drained and doesn't want to talk any more tonight. I know my H is like that, so there was never any point trying to initiate a conversation immediately after he'd been on the phone to his Mum (or anyone else for that matter).
Be still and back away from him. Let him sit in his cave and think while you give yourself some time to heal a little. He WILL get in touch.
Thanks Jeff, I do need to call about the lease, thats why I called! I cant believe he's ignoring me.
BA..thankyou. The writing was on the wall, I said so didnt I. I feel sick and havent eaten again. Its grief and also the rejection and so very painful. Damn eclipses.
Naej - thanks so much for taking the trouble and dont worry, you werent speaking harshly, you are right. I cant believe he could be so cruel. I cant believe he could be such a coward. I cant fathom what an earth I have done to him that would warrant such appalling treatment. He must know how upset and hurt I am, thats why he's ignoring me. To put me through hell a second time...
I'm very angry and hurt, but I dont want to get angry at him. I do though now have an overwhelming burning desire to have it out with him. I want to ask him if he was conscious of what he was doing, that he was calling me most nights and how to withdraw that 'friendship' has been incredibly hard on me. I want to tell him that he is very strong, that it is not true that he is weak and that he was wrong when he said at the bomb "you would have talked me round, I'm weak" - hes been very strong, stronger than me. I'm astounded at how determined he has been to destroy our relationship, even our friendship.
I could turn up on his door tommorow or Friday, but I wont, I will wait and see what he does (nothing I bet) over the next 2 days. Its that lunar eclipse on Saturday, it will bring matters since February to a conclusion and illuminate any duplicitous or things that have been hidden or are an illsion..as it is conjucnt Neptune, the planet of illusion and smoke and mirrors.
So if he ever actually engages with me, I will find out and that will be the end of the road.
Hey lisa...Well he could be very depressed with this moving away business hanging over him, but not so much that he cant go to work Monday and play golf and probably football tonight. I think he is done with me and after testing his feelings for 6 months, he is done with me for good I expect.
He has been ignoring me really since he last called me on Friday 1st August (yep, that solar eclipse) and annoyingly, I missed the call, I wish I hadnt, as it was the last time he's called.
Thinking about my counselling last night, I have been looking to him as my pillar, my strength, my anchor. And todays C, I said we were a nurturing 'mother' to one another and I guess he doesnt want to be that pillar, anchor or mother anymore for me. I am still willing to be there for him (as I always was) but he doesnt want me to be strong for him either, he wants to make it on his own. The whole dynamic of our R has changed. I am happy for us to go forward together being in charge of our own destinies, but he doesnt want that. I dont think he is in his cave, I think he is pointedly tellling me he doesnt want anything more to do with me, the R has run its course (I HATE that phrase).
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
It was g...but things still not looking good, I can tell. Or maybe its me. I went to the docs..she says I have reactive depression and gave me ADs. Not sure if I am going to take them, but at least I can see their in house C for free. She is going to refer me in a month, when I am done with my current free C (who is amazing and I wish I could afford to keep seeing her). I am looking tired and spotty today, not good.
He emailed me at 8.50 am. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I wasnt in till now, so replied at midday. Here it is:
Hi al,
sorry i didn't reply - been on site for a couple of days doing some trial pits - got soaked again yesterday but getting used to it now. yeah, need to sign the lease, will do that later maybe?
any more news about jobs and stuff, and if you can get any programming work?
me
So he was out of the office for two days, which is why he hasnt emailed me, which is fine. But he still hasnt phoned me since 1 August. And I called and left a message last night and he didnt reply.
I dont know what he means by "do that later maybe" but I assume he is suggesting meeting up. I replied quite cooly, but said at the end:
yes we can meet up later if thats what you meant, it would be good to see you
Not sure if I sound a bit distant/narky in my email. I dont know why he is asking me about jobs either, maybe its a neuttral subject, maybe hes being friendly, maybe he wants me to ask him about his job situation (I did).
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'm glad he contacted you Ali.. at least with that I can say that he's just been a jerk instead of saying he's a complete d*ck! Sorry to be so crass.. but I think ignoring or avoiding you when you have a financial obligation, never mind an amazing friendship with the person, is rude... But then again I guess he really only thinks of himself now. Which seems to be the way with all of the WA.
I hope that you will now let him do the leading.. and you stop initiating contact. I realize you have done that in the past but thought you two were through with the DB formalities.. but I think he's begun to take you for granted in a big bad way.. so you need to keep yourself busy doing anything your little heart desires. Like maybe ART? And leave your BF to worry about himself and maybe wonder what it is you're doing that's got you so occupied.
I know you're beyond playing "the game".. but I know that you are not ready to walk away and never look back. So don't look at it as a game.. look it as self preservation. You are likely less than 90 pounds with how little you eat due to the stress of all of this.. love yourself for a little while Ali.. you really, really need to.
Oh hey Where, lovely to hear from you! You're so right, I am done playing this DB game...so I am feeling very nervous. He still hasnt replied to my midday email, so more avoidance. Its time for honesty.
I think I weigh 100 pounds, maybe 98 right now. I dont have scales but I reckon I have lost half a stone, if not more. I hate being all thin and unwomanly! I just had a chocolate brownie :-)
So I dont know how to play it later, but I would like to ask him a) to meet me this weekend (doubtful) and b) why he has stopped phoning me (scary) I would also like to ask him what he is scared of (he told me 30th May that he didnt want to mess me around as he is scared, of everything. And I know he has anxiety attacks, but I dont know what about.
or..I could just tell him, I'm sorry I kept my feelings in all this time, I was being respectful of your depression and not putting my emotions on you...but the truth is I have enjoyed spending time with you these past 6 months, I still love you as much as the day you left me, you are my best friend and I miss you.
Hmm. Thats definetly a DB no-no. I really dont know how to play it, but I cant be like we were being before, with us both pretending, as that has got me nowhere. I worry that once this lease is signed, I wont see him as he's backed off, plus its his birthday next Thursday, so I bet he goes away next weekend (bank holiday)...then he will be moving away soon. So it feels like my last chance to speak to him...
I think its a last ditch Db attempt, is that the dobsons letter thing, just lay your cards on the table? I wont tonight if I can get him to agree to meet me at the weekend...I'll do it then. Advice anyone !?
Ok Jeff, but you better be quick as I will be meeting him in 4 hours I guess! I value yuor advice. I worry he has met someone, or has decided he's done with me, so I suppose it doesnt matter what I say anymore?? Just be true to myself...
My thoughts are.. if the only way you are going to be able to give yourself some peace is to tell him how you feel then you should do whatever you need to do.
My worry is that his response may be crushing for you... so I hope you can handle anything that comes out of his mouth.
