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Neil,

I'm going to take a little bit different tack from the rest of the folks here. Mainly because I don't know your sitch all that well anyway, other than these past few days, but also because of the following:

What does it matter??

Seriously. I feel like you're NOT asking for "positives" as in strategic and tactical things that you're doing, so that you can continue doing them, so much as you are looking for EXTERNAL VALIDATION for your situation.

Let me take it to a ridiculous extreme, to prove my point. Let's say you were doing the best you can, and in every situation, doing what you feel God Himself would have you do, and you're "doing the right thing" in every interaction with your wife and every decision about your marriage and your family.

Now assume we all say "you're doing it all wrong!" What . . . you're going to change?

Have the courage of your convictions, and stop looking for your wife, and for us, to validate what you're doing. In just the little bit of time I've "known" you here, you strike me as a bright, articulate, insightful man of character. I have no doubt you know what's been working, what's not, and what the "right thing to do" is in nearly every situation.

And when you don't, we can HELP you, but we can't DO this for you . . . does that make sense?

Stop asking us for the positives. You already know what they are, and you know what you've been doing that's been ineffective, too. So summon up all your strength, and plow ahead to do more of the former and less of the latter.

You can do it.

Puppy

Neil
Puppy is right, I think. I just got done posting on my thread and as I went back and read it over, I realized the things I listed off as negatives, really are positives.....when I have these down days and get to feeling sorry for myself, I have a tendency to come on here and just make it worse.....looking for that one magic answer...the "pill" to make it all go away.

For me...and I think you too, from catching up on your thread....I know exactly what I have done the last 5 months that works, and I know exactly what I have to do to get myself through this. I also do a pretty darn good job and figuring out what makes my wife happy, and keeps her on an even keel.

What gets in the way?....same old chit, man....emotions, impatience....pride....looking to her to make me happy.

Yep.

Dang Puppy..that was a swift kick in the arse if i've ever seen one....cirpes.

yes, i'm back earlier than expect from my self imposed exile. but i would like some help to see if my thought process is on the right track here.....

My W is:
confused
tired
happy
confident
sad
angry
scared
unsure
insecure
and any other emotion all rolled into one package right now. SHe's not sure what hte right path is right now. She needs time and space to figure it out.

she liked what she saw from the new and improved Neil. (we'll assume that's true) It confused her even more. Creates conflict in her mind. Problems.

Here I am. I want to solve her problems. Tell her it's ok. We can work this out. It's all going to be ok.

But I can't do that because i would be taking control of HER all over again and not letting her figure her stuff out.

So what can i do?

Work on Neil.
Give her space and time.
Be there if she needs me.
Stay positive.
DOn't talk about the R (which, i really haven't...swear)
Focus on the Kids.

There's really not anything else is there? That's really what i'm looking for....anything else that I, Neil, can do. I'll tell you what...that's damn frustrating for me...because i'm a DAM...and i like to fix things for other people....LOL




PS....i'll be in later to check on everyone...i owe lots of people!!!

Neil,

Glad to see you seem to be in a better frame of mind now. If you are looking to fix something for someone, I am sure I could find something around here that could use some tinkering....lol

Sounds like you are starting to really get it now....that was a very good post

Sorry, dude. I calls 'em as I sees 'em.

I certainly don't mean to be hurtful; sometimes it helps to get an outside perspective.

Let the broken heart stand,
as the price you gotta pay

Puppy

Don't apologize. it's what i needed ebcause you were right. i was looking for everyone to validate me...which is a huge issue for me. you read me like a book.

we'll keep pushing till its understood
and these badlands start treating us good

that's MY song.....

Neil,

I just found this thread, was following your other ones so I thought I would check in on you. It does sound like you are doing better now. We all definitely feel your pain, the whole walking on eggshells when around the W does get old, but we have to do it to fight the good fight for our M's and in the end all this work will be worth it.

Take care, and hang in there.

Just remember, it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive.

Puppy

Never more true than in the case of someone that sunk so low after her bomb that she tried to end it all. Thank God that I wasn't successful. I want to live to the fullest now. With or without him, I want to live.