Phil, I've been following your postings for quite a while and thought I'd post to you this morning. BND has given you wise advice. Be still, sit quietly and the answers will come to you. Everything will change when God wants it to change.
MLC is a very different type of animal when it comes to trying to reconcile...it doesn't matter what faith you practice or the various methods you try to get your spouse to see reasoning. It's just not going to happen until everything has been played out and in some cases, it doesn't happen at all. Your wife is off on her own spiritual journey, a journey that has been lying dormant for many years. It is a journey that takes her back to a time in her life whereby her emotional well being was stunted. She has to go back to that time, face the demons and then grow/move on from there. You are not part of that time, you don't understand the emotional pain that they suffered and have stuffed down for all of those years. When people are suffering this type of emotional pain, they don't think rationally and you can't rationalize w/them. The more you try, the more they pull away from us. They don't want to hear what we have to say or what we've done to ourselves. Actions always speak louder than words w/them.
What you need to focus on right now is yourself, family, activities and your job. Work on doing things that make Phil happy. If you feel that you need to make some improvements in yourself, do them. However, keep in mind that any improvements are to be made for you and must become a permanent part of your life. Your wife will be observing from afar and will know if you are only doing them to get her back. BTW, during this type of emotional/spiritual journey, her radar will be on high and will sense things more so than she would normally.
My advice to you today is to listen to the posters. We've been down the yellow brick road often enough to know what you may need to do. If something doesn't work, try something different. Leave her alone, allow her to come to you when she needs to. She needs to feel safe and do not point out her flaws and/or failures to her. Validate her feelings, compliment her when she looks nice and/or does something for you. She needs all of this in order to feel good about herself once again. It is a very long and painful journey for both of you, but you both will get through it if you will read the postings and follow the advice.
Phil, what make a list of those things that need to be done and check them off as you get them done. Add a list of fun things too. So, what's on your list today?
I pull up behind her at her apartment. I say hello to her. She said why are you following me. I said I wasn't following you. I was going for a drive and you drove by and I wanted to see the kids.
Son have Mikie D's and stuff, and D has Wendys. I help the kids get out of the car. I tell them I just wanted to see you kids and I'm plenty mad that you guys didn't call me This kind of stuff would be eliminated if you'd set a schedule. Also, why do you constantly blame those kids who are what, 4 & 8, for not calling you? This is not the first time you have made such a comment to them and it's bratty of YOU, Phil . My son runs into the house to go to the restroom.
I wait outside on the stoop. My kids come back. So does wife she is unloading the car. She has a bunch of Wal-mart bags.
I ask her if she needs help. She says no. You never help me unload the car before why should you nowYou need to start paying attention to these comments your wife makes. Somewhere in them is truth. You disregard everything she says - watch the other statements I bold - you have examples throughout many other posts as well... . I said that is so untrue. I always helped you unload the car if I was home. You normally went shopping while I was at work.
She says I got the kids some school clothes. I said would you like some money for them. She says NO. I don't know how much I spent because I mixed grocercies in with them. I said ok, well let me know how I can help.
The kids come back out again. I give them a kiss. I tell them I know Mother doesn't want me here so I'm leaving Again, bratty of YOU. . I give them a kiss. I said be good for your Mother and listen the first time, and do it the first time. They say ok.
I then tell my son to go get mommy.
She comes down.
HERE IS WHERE I GET STUPID!
She says why don't you go out. I said I don't want to go out. I want to be with my family. She says you never wanted to be with us before. I said that isn't true. She says you were never home. I said that isn't true either. When I started going to school, I never even went out because I was studying every night. She says go out. I said I don't want to go out. But I am leaving because I know you don't want me here. I do really want to be with my family.
Then she says. You really need to quit chewing. OMG I'm thinking... I have been chewing snuff since we met. I said yes I should quit. Nicotine is a strong addiction.
Well ok, go out, because you were never home. I said please that isn't true.
This is where I get really stupid.
I said I'm leaving can I have a hug. She rolls her eyes and sighs. She gives me a hug. I said ok, see you later.
You are still only thinking about what Phil wants instead of the reasons she has for leaving. I still don't think your wife is MLC but that's neither here nor there because the things you need to do are the same no matter what. You need to spend some time reflecting on the things your wife says and make an attempt to discover what YOU DID or DIDN'T DO that made her perceive things that way. It doesn't matter that you disagree with her. What matters is that you humble yourself enough to admit that she might actually be right to some extent. You have no respect for her and I don't think that's a new thing.
It's true that you need to set goals for yourself. It's true that you need to not focus so much on the things she does - because they actually distract you from your purpose - which is to look inside of Phil. But it is also true that you haven't cornered the market on being right about everything that happened in your marriage. Your wife gives you lots of clues as to why she felt she needed to leave and since you've been here, I've watched you poo poo every one of them and never once stop to consider that she might be right. You know Phil, you can be physically present in a house and still not be there....think about it.
One thing you will see if you read other threads here is that every single spouse of a MLCer - and every single spouse of a walk-away spouse has one thing in common: they discovered their own failings within the marriage and they owned them. They learned things they did wrong, things they could have done better and things they never did at all but should have done. Your pride and desire to blame your wife's behavior on MLC prevent you from doing what every other spouse here has done, regardless of their spouse's reasons for leaving: facing themselves in the mirror.
I don't think you're going to get away with avoiding that for very long in this forum.
I am sitting still. I don't know why I followed her home the other night. I just so happens that she drove by that road at the exact same time.
I have to laugh. That was almost 10:30. The kids were getting fast food. Absolute BS.
I remember also telling her that it was a holy day. I asked the kids if they went to Church. The wife overheard and chimed in and said, that son had the runs.
Ok, if son has the runs, then why is he eating Mikey D's at 10:30 at night. Now I didn't say any of this.
On holy days Catholics are required to attend Mass, not Mikey D's.
BND... who said we were debating about the Catholic thing. There is no debate only truth. However as one wise poster says it has nothing to do with DB'ing.
I do leave her alone. I do not call her. I do not pursue her. The interactions I do have with her are only when she is picking up the kids or droping them off. Things changed. She was the one coming in the house, wanting me to kiss her on the cheek.
Now she doesn't want any of that. She changed for the worse. Was she doing the kiss on the cheek thing so that I would allow her to do laundry here.
She doesn't do laundry here anymore.
Now she has become more distant.
Telling me to go out.
Yes it's so frustrating.
A list.... I have to vacumm the downstairs. My hedges need trimmed. I like to keep them perfect. I have windows to clean.
Hey Phil, one more quick thing that I missed last night. Her telling you to go out is not a bad thing. She may actually need to see you doing things for yourself a bit. Going out and having a night for yourself may actually show her That your not simply focused on just her and that you are able to work on yourself and take care of you while all this is going on.
I agree with Amy, listen to her words Phil, I think she gives you some feedback that might help you understand all this a bit. Doesn't matter if it is true in your mind or not, what matters is that she is telling you what is true in her mind.
Oh I'm going to loose my mind with her. I really think her brain is short circuited.
I just checked my caller ID on the home phone. She called her twice at twenty to 2 in the morning.
Why?
Did I blow it by not answering? Was she checking to see if I was home? She told me to go out the night before. Why did she call.
She didn't show up for Mass. Obviously she didn't go to our home Church either. I just got a text from her that doesn't even make sense. She texted Im bringing them b 4 work they want to go to moms.
I broke the silence and texted. That message does not even make sense. Are you bringing them here, and why did you call so late last night.
Ok, cool she tells me she is bringing them to me before work. She also said our son was twitching.
Then why didn't she leave a message? Why didn't she call my cell? Because her brain is fried... Short circuited.
I'm not sure if I blew an opportunity to talk to the real wife last night, or my son did have a health problem.
He did complain of a twitch the day before. I thought he was making it up.
Well lets get back to the heart of the matter. The possibility does exist that I was emotionless to my wife. Because I truly opened up to two woman before her and they hurt the hell out of me. The one right before her. Hurt me crazy bad. I made a vow to myself that I would never be hurt like that by a person ever again. I was pretty stoic in the beginning of the relationship. I also didn't go into any great detail about my past relationships with her. Because one it was the past. Two the girl previous to her. Dug deep into every detail of my life, and then just threw it in my face that I was a pig.
High school girls! I also learned a lesson to never give your current girlfriend any type of ammunition about past girls.
My wife had fabricated enough of her own stories without me helping her.
In my apartment. The previous girl friend left a bunch of her intimate clothing at my place. I completely forgot about it being in the closet in a bag. I was a lazy man that didn't care about cleaning. I was 22 had my own place, and worked like a dog. When I didn't work. I wanted to party.
Well my wife when she was the girlfriend would clean my apartment like nice girlfriends do. She was a senior in HS.
Well your right she found it. Then during our entire relationship and even into the marriage she brought up that story. I was cheating on her with the previous girlfriend.
Which I wasn't. One thing I don't do is cheat. I remeber kissing a girl once when I had a girlfriend in HS. I told the steady girlfriend what I did because I couldn't live with myself.
Then I lived through about six months of hell because of it.
Here is another thing that just plain sucks. I believe that my past, and what formed me hurt the relationship with the wife.
I also believe that I am paying for what her first real boyfriend did to her.
She never would trust me. She accussed me of cheating. Then she bitched and complained to me about every little thing. She was trying to make herself happy with this house, but it didn't work.
Yes I did react to her wrong, by saying things like stop being a b|tch. You are being b|tch. You are acting like a b|tch. You are a b|tch. Stop b|tching. Why you such a b|tch.
You get it!
Well since she left and since the apology of that name calling I haven't used that word at her, to her, or through her.
Yes, when I hang up the phone. Or get a text. Or after she drives down the road with the kids. I do scream. B\Tch!
I think she put me through hell during the marriage.
Yes I also reacted wrong by reacting with physical abuse after she pushed me to the limit.
Trust me I wasn't even aloud to watch certain things on TV. And if I stopped on a channel too long while changing channels she would accuse me of looking at another woman.
Then she would say things like. Go look at porn. Or I'm not wearing that for you because your last girlfriend wore that kind of stuff for you. All your porn girls wear that stuff and you will think of them.
Well I don't look at porn. I told her that a million times. Well ok, I'm a guy and if one of my buddies sends me an email. I'm not going to pass up looking at a nice pair you know.
Pretty harmless though.
I have some other stories about porn, or porn incidents, but I'm not going to get into them.
She was so insecure. Now she just doesn't even care.
I also think of the story about the woman that was on life support. (Was her name Maria Polva or something) She was so mad when the husband finally let her go after ten years. She watched that case on Fox every second she could. She was so mad that the man had a girlfriend and his wife was on life support. Over ten years.
Gee Whiz, I can't deal with the thought of 10 minutes her not talking to me now. Not wanting to be with me. Etc... That man held on for 10 years. She said he obviously doesn't love her, because there is a possiblity she could come out of it.
10 years his life was on hold.
My life has been on hold for about 10 months and I'm ready to loose it.
Just a few thoughts. And a few thoughts too long.
Looks like she didn't like the text of me telling her she should have left a message last night and she should have tried my cell.
Bad Mommy! Very bad wife!
Sorry she was wrong. I want her to know right away that I need to be contacted properly when it comes to health matters.
Yes, I would rather be happy then be right.
Mass was nice today. I was usher. The reading stuck out. A pagan woman came to Christ and said. Even the dogs get the scraps that fall from their masters table. By her faith Christ restored her and healed her daughter within the hour that was being troubled by a demon.
What scraps is my wife going to give me.
I'm thinking I'm better off with out her. It is helping with detaching.
My mind is very clear. I'm functioning. Now if I could just learn to say the right things.
Did I tell you about the MIL story? Her and I talked the other day. She said she didn't know what her daughter was going to do about school, work and the kids. She was going to help as much as possible. She also said that her daughter is trying to make it on her own, that is what she wants.
I told my MIL that the answer is for her to come home. My MIL said, well I'm not going to tell her that.
Gee Thanks. At the time I didn't know what to say. I do now. I should have said. Mother, you, Dad, and SIL encourage her to leave me. Now I think it is time for you to encourage her to come back to me. You say you don't support divorce. Then why are you supporting it.
Yes that is right about two years ago. They told her to leave me. Because she was complaining to them about my drinking. That was when she was going to Al Anon.
I should have go an intervention if they thought I was so out of control. A straight A student that went to work every day, and took care of business.
Yeah, I'm such a drunk. (Now that is sarcasm that is deserved)
Really if she comes back. I'll stay sober. But what will it be next. She already got on me about using snuff, and we are not even together.
Ok, so I'll stop using snuff. Then what? I have too many nose hairs.... Will it ever end...
That's right about a month ago she said I had nose hairs. I had one, and I didn't even notice it.
I'm in the wilderness! Away from the vexatious wife...
She was suppose to start work at 4. I thought she was bringing the kids here. It was a little after 4. I call down her parents to see if my kids were there. They were not. I assumed they were down there and they were coming here. I talk to her dad. He said he will have mom call her. The kids were not there all day.
So she didn't go to Church at all.
Then I call her cell phone. It goes to vm. I call the ice cream shop. No answer. None of this is funny. Mind starts looping. I just take a deep breath. Someone is lying to me. It's the enemy working. Why didn't the store answer? Why didn't she answer? Why are her parents being coy?
I was getting ready to leave. I was going to see if her (MY) explorer was at the shop. I was halfway out the driveway. She shows up. She is calm, and so am I. I said why didn't you answer your phone. I thought you had to be at work at four. She says oh I don't care, because I have to go to the grocery store and get banana's for the store. I said you could have at least told me what was going on.
I said have a nice night at work. She says. YEAH RIGHT!
Well I wanted to say. It was your dumb a$$ decision to leave me and go to work. You had it made.
I'm here quessing what the heck is going on. The kids want to go down there grandparents and stay over.
I'm thinking forget that!
I call her parents back. MIL answers. I said I have the kids mom, she just dropped them off. I don't know what is going on though because she doesn't talk to me.
MIL says the kids want to come down and play with nephew. I said are they planning on staying over. I don't know her schedule. Do you know what time she works tomorrow? Big pregnant pause. She says she works 4 till close.
I'm thinking: OK BACK THE TRUCK UP! Why do my kids need to stay over the grandparents if she works at 4?
She doesn't want to be a mother. She doesn't want to be a wife.
It makes no sense.
I said MIL (NAME) why couldn't she tell me that simple thing. That the kids are staying over night with you, and she works at 4-close.
Still thinking: What is the bid damn secret? Why doesn't she want her kids tonight? Is this more evidence of another man thing. The last time she did this I went down there and she was with a female coworker. Did she switch over to the otherside?
This is all mind boggling. As least my interaction with her was good.
I'm contemplating not taking the kids down her grandparents. My kids should stay here. I'm their father. If the grandparents want them down there. TUFF SH|T! This is their home. They can stay here tonight.
I'll take them somewhere in the morning before I go to work.
Simple schedule. No it's a day by day hell.
I know I'm getting brow beat over this schedule thing. Trying to keep things calm. Keep the ship on course. Eyes straight.
IAN I want to see my kids everyday. Please do not brow beat me on this.
Then it just makes my imagination go crazy. Why doesn't she want the kids with her tonight? Why does she always seem to do this on Sundays?
Why does she continue to make things difficult? Why are her parents enabling her?
Yes I know what you mean. I have no idea what she has told them. What she has fabricated?
Your right. She told her sister that we had no sexual relations during waw live in. Then I said that was a lie. Then it turned into that I raped her. Utter BS.
My FIL. I don't get him at all. He says he doesn't give a sh|t, but then he gets all annoyed.
She did tell him that I was abusive. Then every time I tell him some insane sorry. He just laughs it off.
The peanut butter jar incident comes to mind.
He did say he didn't know what to believe, because he has seen her hit me multiple times.
Point is, they are just going to continue to enable her. Because they enable their other daughter.
It was funny I called down her parents last night because I couldn't find the times for the movies. I wanted to see if the nephew wanted to come with us. My SIL was at her parents and she was the only one there with her kids. Now she lives across the street, but it is like she still lives in her parents house.
The enabling is never going to stop from them.
You know I think I would love to tell them to go F off tonight. But my kids want to stay over, because there grandma asked them to stay over. They did another dirty trick. They had nephew just call to ask my daughter to bring some kind of video game with them.
Honestly there probally isn't anything going on with my wife with anybody else. However why does she want to drive me nuts thinking there is. I really think she just wants me to snap. It isn't going to happen. Sorry to disappoint.
BND... Antiaxiety. Really the axiety has gone away. This was a just a sporadic episode that didn't last long.
Look how much I overanalyzed in a five minute period. LOL...
Really my wife... She's gone. Short circuited brain... I don't think she is ever coming back.
