Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again W and I moving forward trying not to look back #4

Hi Max,

My sitch is slightly different whereby my W refuses to acknowledge openly that she has done anything wrong, doesn't want to talk about the A and doesn't want any form of C, IC or MC. She just wants to carry on as if nothing has happened. So my negative thoughts stem from her apparent lack of remorse. I think if W had apologised or attended MC I wouldn't feel so bad, but if she did those things it would mean talking about things which she is trying to forget.

I think if she apologised or attended MC I wouldn't feel as bad, but I can't see those happening so I have to deal with the hand I have been dealt. But in saying all of that, W is doing many non verbal things which help to suppress my negative feelings and show we are moving forward together in the right direction.

Lanzo


Rob

Link to Max030

Hi Lanzo,

FWIW, my W's actions are similar to yours. She has never admitted to me that the EA went as far as a PA - I only know that from back in the days of snooping. She doesn't talk about it, and we don't go purge at MC.

I agree, it's not the way that I would like to deal with this stuff. But your comment about dealing the hand you are dealt rings very true with me.

I can tell you that my M is continuing to improve, in spite of the lack of resolution about the A. I recognize that this is more about my W's attitude about herself - particularly that she is hyper-sensitive to being judged by other people, and that would certainly include the M counselor. It would be a huge leap to have that conversation be a constructive and helpful one.

I guess I don't have any great advice, other than to say - I think that this approach can work, even if it feels slow and like you are ignoring things that you would like 'aired'. My W wants to just forget it and move on, and that's what I'm doing too. I'll tell you that I am succeeding at this - I almost never think about her A or the scumbag OM any more, and I focus on the present and the future instead. Life is good.

Rob

Someone on this board said to me something like, you are who you judge, or you become who you judge. This very much applies to my W who can be very judgemental of people, and to find herself in the position of being judged would be something very hard for her to take. So yes, she avoids all discussion about what happened in the past, in fact the only time I really mentioned it she said she doesn't think about the A or OM at at all.

Sometimes I find the A hard to take, well the A and some of W antics to destablise me and our M so the A could take place, but the negative feelings come and go and I am getting better at pushing them away. So my motto is as my title "move forward and try not to look back".

For me life is almost good, but its getting there.

Lanzo

Hi. I am not sure what a thread is. i suppose in my panic for advice I did not follow starting directions. My initial posting is under infidelity and my heading is I was unfaithful.

Looking forward to your reply. Cheers

Hi Lanzo. All i can say is WOW. I have come clean, attended every C session asked of me, sold any possesion that had any contact with OM, opened up for scrutiny every aspect of my life, immediately stopped contact with Om. Still H is not happy.

Prior to this I was the one in control of my narriage, I was abusive, selfish and greedy to an extent ( I may be speaking out of guilt here ) i have changed a lot and to a nicer person. i respect H so much more and I want to respect marriage.

I am hitting a brick wall. Should I go back to being mean and uninterested ? Why will he not go forward and see the positives that have come out of this affair ? Is it straight out hurt ?

He admits that logically he knows that his marriage would be good, that all our dsreams could now be fulfilled and that I would provide him a marriage that he has always wanted. So why not go forward ?????

Hi Rob again. Just wanted to add that although my husband suspected he was being lied to over the past years he kind of wanted to stay married. He believed he could handle the truth and that it was the lying that was blocking us. He truely believed this with all his heart. Soooooo i opened up and told him the truth and it was all down hill from there. I am not sure i would recommend to anyone to follow my footsteps. I would say that being honest from the get go advisable but if your not then think hard.

I know you feel that admittance is what you need to push forward. Be careful, you may not know how you will feel. Better to put a line under it and move forward, dont look back.

How do I get my husband to let go of the negative feelings even for an hour when he is with me. We cannot create good memories when he is so focused on negative. He says it is only these feelings that are blocking his ability to get over A. Can I help ?

Hi Max, A "thread" is a series of posts on the bulletin board. I replied over on yours. See you there!

hi everyone,
i have not been here for about 4 mos. my h and i have been back together for 5 mos. after his 1 year affair. I still have alot of hurt and anger and trust issues with him. especially because he still looks at other women and I feel if he had remorse for what he had done he wouldnt do that. some times i look at him and get so disgusted with what he did to me for so long. i want to let the past go but i dont trust him and im afraid of getting hurt again. He is making alot of money with his business and I think it has changed him for the worse, he has a huge ego. i feel like i cant compete with these younger women and it bothers me, even though i stay in good shape.
m-47
h-50
son-14
married- 20 yrs.

Its been 12 months now since I first lurked around on this site and then decided to take the plunge and post my story here. I had spent the previous 2 months on another forum pouring my heart out, and whilst I received plenty of words of sympathy there were no was no real advice on how to take things forward. It was actually via the previous site that I found DB and I can honestly say DB didn't save my M, it actually saved me. In saving me it gave me the tools to move things forward and work on my M and hope fully become a better person.

I received lots of great advice but in the early days but it was Forrest Gump (aka FG, Cory) who showed me how to put things into practice and to help me, understand me, and the ways of the WAW. Also Sandi who is still with me now who gave me loads of comforting words, these words stopped me doing anything really stupid when I really felt down. There was also Puddlemuddle Snafu (Joan S) she help me a lot but she disappeared from the board as soon as her M got back on track, I hope she's still doing well.

12 months on how are things, well the first thing is that they are loads better, are things perfect, no. Will they get back to how they were, I hope not. The good thing is I now have experience and the foresight to see problem situations as they arise and know how to deal with them. I now find it easy to read a lot of sitches and know exactly what to do to move things on which is one of the reasons that I am still here, I just want to give back a little to those that are still in need. I am also still here cos for me DB will be for life cos I don't ever want to get back to where I was.

Back to today not much to report, home improvements drag on, but the builder is working on other jobs, presumably cos they pay out this week, I'm just doing some tidying up. I've spent the last couple of nights over at the IL's with W, she wants me in bed with her but nothing more. D6 doen't want me in bed with W and has already warned me "No Kissing" Other than that things are just ticking along, however this is far more than I would have expected 12 months ago.

Thanks to all those others who have help me and to those who have just read and followed.

Lanzo