Huge blow up with the wife. I told her I am looking for a second job while still trying to find a primary that pays enough. She asked when I was going to tell her. Told her it was my decision. I screwed up and failed a business and took a crappy job. I am the man of the house and it is my job to provide.
She took some comments I made about her spending as to imply that I blamed her entirely for our situation. For once I stood up to her. I told her no, our problem is I don't make enough. Our problem is we live like we do. I told her the organic crap was going to stop now. It is senseless paying twice as much for organic beef etc. She maintains she doesn't want the hormones in the kids, says daughter is coming in early for female stuff now as she goes into the 5th grade and it is all the fault of crap in the food. I am having to remind her, it is a choice between eating and eating right.
Never posted to you but went through damn near the same thing you going through back in 07 for 3 1/2 months. I said the same things to myself, I am the man I am the provider, felt like a total bum. I was looking at and applying for anything, problem was most places that pay minimum wage won't hire somebody my age or with a degree, cause they know as soon as you find something in your field you will be gone so they figure it would be a waste of their time to hire you train you or whatever else. So I was basically hosed, couldn't find a job in my field and couldn't get a job flippin burgers.
Well the W would come at me with if you loved us as much as you say you do then you would do whatever. I said I am and tried to explain to her exactly what I just said in my 1st paragraph, but she just wouldn't listen. So now not only am I beatin myself up my W makes me feel even worse. Then you throw on top of that she started threatening with D if I didn't find a job, geez can't win. But did her spending back off NO didn't she pick up a part-time job to help out NO always said it was the man's job to do whatever it took to provide. HOG WASH I say. This is a partnership not a dictatorship now my family never went without, I found the money to make ends meet lowered myself to ask for help from family.
Then she has the gall to look at me when she was moving out and said I will do whatever it takes to support the girls and me where we are living. I looked at her and said thanks alot, you say you will do whatever now why could you not of had that mind set when we needed it back then? I said never mind I know the answer to that it's because the man should be the provider, it's really cool how you can decide when I am the man and when I am not. Funny she had nothing to say.
My whole point here past my rambling, is I have been there and I will tell you this, get off of yourself you are only 1 person you accomplish nothing by beating yourself up when you don't have a partner to help you your hands are pretty much tied. You ARE a GOOD man don't be like me and question that. I will never question myself like that again, I did what I could I still provided the comfort level of living that my family was use to.
Stay strong and know that you aren't alone in how you are feeling...
I am going to tell her what is in the letter tonight. We are having our semi annual date night, so I thought we would have enough privacy and time to have the discussion. My basic premise is to tell her that I understand that I am essentially the reason that she has no sex drive. I also understand that there is no real chance of fixing this until we have money. So I am going to formalize the moratorium on sex until our situation changes.
My basic premise is to tell her that I understand that I am essentially the reason that she has no sex drive.
This is a false premise NTE: you're beating yourself up way too much here.
SHE bears just as much responsibility for the situation as you do. It isn't just her problem; it isn't just your problem; the two of you TOGETHER, have a problem AS A COUPLE. She can't just sit back and wait for you to fix yourself, neither can you wait on her to fix herself. Nothing will be fixed until both of you work on fixing it -- together.
[puts away 2 x 4]
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Point taken. I think my real goal is to tell her why we are not going to be having sex anymore. I don't think we are going to get anywhere on our own and we can not afford a counselor.
But, after taking a look at who I have become as a man, what she gets in the sack from me, and how I have let myself go physically (relatively speaking), her lack of drive toward me is understandable.
My personal goals are to fix all the stuff above. No More Mr. Nice Guy has been a really big help here. I see so much of myself in what he is saying. For my own piece of mind, I have got to get this fixed. Quite honestly, for the last few days I have gone back to calculating how much I am worth dead as opposed to alive. This is not a good place to be...
But...I do understand the depths of dispair you are experiencing.
Don't let it suck you in. You are a MAN and you can do it! I love it that you are reading the Nice Guy book and you plan to implement changes for YOU.
I don't even know what to say about your wife any more. From everything you've written (and I know we only have one side of the story here but) it sounds to me like she needs a book like "How to soften up your inner beeotch". As "nice" as you are, she may be too rough around the edges to really be able to be a sweet and loving wife to you. Again, I don't want to insult her and I know she has her side of the story, but it just doesn't sound good to me. Do NOT take this as "advice"...I am just making a comment and trying to be supportive in a way that validates you and what you appear to be going through with her.
She is nicer than I have prortrayed her, I think. Our major area of separation is sex. We get along to a certain extent other than that. Yes, she can be harsh, opinionated and strong willed, but I could not stand to be with a wimp. The problem has been the effects of the last five years. Nearly losing a kid to cancer, loss of job, failure of business, loss of income. Through that, we are still married.
My reaction has been to give up my manhood and become a pleaser. She has become a woman with a very harsh tongue. Neither of us are correct on this.
By the way, I am going to have to join the dieting crew. My wife is having a surgery on Monday and will not be able to run for about a month, so she is wanting to do the Atkins together so she doesn't get fat and I can cut some weight. When I went on Lexapro a couple of years ago, I put on about 30 pounds. Some of it is muscle, as Lexapro has a steroidal component. My leg press max went up almost 50%... Anyway, I have not been able to take the weight off when I went off the meds. Could be that I am nearing 40, (six months) or a residual from the meds. I am also prone to Russian Weightlifter stomach, so you can still see my abs, but my stomach comes out as far as my chest.
