Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Trixi trying to find moorage

No R talks, yay!!!

Good luck on the beads. That sounds frustrating, but I'm sure you'll get it.



haha.. that cracked me up. I know what you mean.

You're totally making sense.

I think it's possible to do 180s in lots of different areas in life, and a great one right now might be in your interactions with your H. What you're doing isn't working to move you guys in a good direction - cheeseless tunnel - so try something new?

I'm thinking out loud..

What does he expect?
- You to be available anytime he wants to spend time with you.
- You want to spend time with him so bad that you don't care what the circumstances are (lame invite, you'll plan it if he doesn't just to make sure you do SOMETHING, etc.)
- You to start R talks or make hints. (good 180 finally NOT doing that for a night )
- You'll allow him to dictate all the terms of your R - if you see each other, how often, etc. Heck he even knows he can cheat on you, say "oh sorry did I forget to tell you we weren't exclusively dating anymore? But we are now so it's cool...lucky you."



I don't think that this is necessarily true. I KNOW you're not ready to issue an "ultimatem" or break up with H. But, I don't think that's your only option at this point. Let's think about it - what COULD you do differently that might improve the R?

Some 180 ideas (hopefully some of the guys will chime in and give their 2 cents on what might be best):

- No R talks, or at least not constant R talks.
- Be LESS available. That doesn't mean go dark or dim, but be BUSY sometimes. Have plans that don't involve him a lot more often than you do. I know you like to spend a lot of time at home so this might be a bit tougher for you. If you have to, SCHEDULE time when you are dedicated to your glass work. If he wants to do something at that time, sorry, you're busy.

I'm not saying turn down every invite. Try turning down, say, 50% of his invites.. and do your best to accept the ones that don't come off as some sort of pitiful "I guess we can get together" ones either. For this weekend he invited you (well, offered to allow you...) 2 things. Friday night a movie, Sunday "hanging out." Accept one, you're busy on the other. I still think his invite was seriously LAME but in this case I'd have picked the movie because at least he had put SOME thought into what you two could do together.

This is going to sound silly at first but think about it. I think it was ForrestGump who suggested this to a newcomer: if you have to, buy yourself a body pillow and give it a name. Let's name it Julie. Make plans with said pillow... plan to rent a movie and have Chinese food delivered one night, whatever. You and Julie can hang out on the couch snuggling and enjoying your movie and Chinese food. Some of H's invites - "Sorry, I've got plans with Julie." Julie's your friend that H doesn't know, doesn't meet. (like the way he was with his roommate for so long).

- DO NOT figure out what the two of you will do next time he offers to "hang out." Make a goal of say, a month, or 2 months, where HE has to figure it out. Make him do the work. If you see something you want to do, don't invite HIM as your first reaction. Find someone else who might enjoy going with you.

What do you think? Maybe make a 1 month goal of turning down 50% of his half-a$$ed invites, and not making the plans yourself? Sound do-able? I think it just might get you a different reaction from him.

PS - Forrest Gump is a very wise poster, and his ideas often work really well.

PPS - how was the movie? I was thinking about checking that one out too.

Heya-
I thought Tropic Thunder was hysterical and recommend it.

Sorry this is gonna be long and you'll probably get a headache from slapping your forhead and splinters from the 2x4 you're gonna be swinging at me.

Sooooo, last night for the first time in AGES, H called and spontaneously asked me to hang out. I think the last time we had a spontaneous hangout(not planned a few days+ in advance) would be in April'ish. It was gorgeous out last night (low 70's, moonlit) so when he got here I asked if he wanted to go for a walk and he said he was thinking we should go the local bar on the lake and listen to music, have drinks and then walk by the lake.

So, we popped over there (it's a 5 minute drive from my house) and as we came in, I saw a guy I sold a house to that is currently getting a D and he has been contacting me to determine an approx house value....well, that and something else. (I'll get to that.)

I introduced him to my H and he introduced me to his date. We chatted about houses values in his neighborhood for a second and then we parted ways. H and I go outside and sit at a table; lakes looks great with the lights shimmering on it; super nice night. He asks how I know that guy. (Back story, I had a couple drinks before we left my house so my tongue was loose.) I explain that I sold a house to him *and* that he contacted me when he saw my profile on Yahoo and asked me out. My H says "oh, good for you! Gettin' some play! [taps me on the nose] Yeah, that's good for you; you can get any guy you want." and I say "Yeah, except for my husband." He said "you don't know that." (well, that was a positive.)

I can see this is getting too long because of the narrative- I'll just do the bullet points

*I said that this "getting some play" thing was of no benefit to me. It's like eyeballing prime rib and then the waitress brings you liver or raw oysters and you still want prime rib. He loved being called prime rib and then asked WHY I love him so much. I went ahead and answered him. (I know, I know-stupid.)

*I said "must be so nice to know you are so loved" and he said "AND, it must be nice for YOU to know that YOU are so loved." I say "I don't know. Sometimes it doesn't seem like you do." H "C'mon, baby. You know I love you... I love you." Me "yeah, well, it's obvious I love you more. I am crystal clear on my position and you're not." (We are sort of competitive with eachother and what started out as a competition statement ended up not where I wanted. Well, the whole thing ended up not where I wanted.) H "ok, so you love me more." (whoops! dummy!)

*He asked if I was surprised he called-I said I was. He said he was too and he was glad he called. (He reached across the table often for my hand, would kiss it, squeeze it, etc, so that was nice.)

*He told me I'm the 'whole package' and 'awesome'

*I got an ILY (a real ILY; not one of those "you know ILYs") when we went out on the dock and kissed
*Heh-he *also* said I was a 'doofus' and that's why he loves me. I never got why I am a doofus, but he means it in a nice way.

*He talked about his work and some changes coming down the pike; one of his reasons for maybe making a certain choice is the option to move elsewhere-like San Fran, San Jose, Florida-practically anywhere. When I asked how serious he was about that, he said he just liked having the option. So I mentioned considering moving to Colorado and he said "Really?" I said I had researched some real estate and he said "yeah, but you were't serious. You won't move." (BIG smile on his face.) I said "Maybe I would. Sounds like you wouldn't give a rats a$$ if I did." and he said "Of course I'd care, but I will love always love you no matter where you live. And you'll always love me."

*He acknowledged that he can't seem to resist me; he's not sure why he tries to; he is tormented because he doesn't know what to do about us.

*I told him that my next move was going to be back in the house (and he laughed and said "ya think so, huh?") and that this can't continue on forever. He said he knows that.

*I said that when we got married I made a promise to love him even when I don't feel like it. He said he hoped that wasn't all there was too it. I said of course not, BUT there are times when I am angry and ready to throw in the towel and that is part of what stops me-I made a vow. That sometimes love really is a choice. And a choice not to focus on the negatives but to find positives and build on that. I said I was standing in the gap, but that I *am* getting really tired. I can't do this alone and he needs to step up to the plate.

*He had sorta warned me yesterday morning that today (Sunday) he might actually want to go mountain biking with his guy friends. So he confirmed that he wanted to do that, but suggested that I go get food from the local farmers market and he would come over tonight or Monday night. I gave him an BIG eye roll and said as sarcastically as possible "OH! lucky me. His Highness might grace me with his presence either Sunday OR Monday night. I shall wait with baited breath to see if I shall be lucky enough to get to cook my sire a meal...[insert pointed look from me][voice tone change] um, yeah. You better know that I'm running out of understanding for you and I'm about to take your crown away." And he says "I keep waiting patiently for you to do that" and I said "OR you could just be a man and step up to the plate and do the right thing." He laughed and said "now there's an idea" more laughing on his part and I laughed along and said "yeah, "be a man" that's a good one." more laughing.
(This was all done with good humor and laughing- when I did the "your highness" speech, he was laughing the whole time.)
After that, he did say that he figured Monday would be better (probably gonna be too tired after biking) and that we can make the meal together and study Spanish.

*When we ML, he was more like the "old" him (pre our return from Costa Rica) with lots of compliments, ILYs, tenderness and sweetness.

Something I noticed- I had let my pedicure 'go' and also my manicure. Also hadn't gotten any new clothes for awhile. Well, this week I got a couple new shirts and freshened my pedi and mani. He commented positively and seems to have warmed up a little. I need to keep up on these things better. Ok, I'll admit it- sometimes I *don't* do these things because I am being passive agressive.

I did mention retro at one point and he scoffed and snorted. Oooookaaaayyyy, I guess *that's* not something he wants to do. *sigh*

I feel like I will need to do something to figure out what we are doing fairly soon. If I *do* say we need a break to clear our heads, I need to give him enough time to (hopefully) figure it out before I have to sht or get off the pot with the house I am in. And, if I move back to my old house, it's gonna have to be forever because I am not sure that I will ever find another house I love like this one that will do owner financing.

The Julie Pillow idea is cute (and probably a good idea for someone like me who is no good at lying.) But what happens if you reconcile with your spouse and they say "hey, when do I meet Julie?" Are you supposed to say "Julie's my pillow"?

So, last night was totally the OPPOSITE of all advice given. Even so, I don't regret saying 'yes' because I think that it is good to be *totally* spontaneous and it felt romantic, like what you do when you are dating someone. Not disrespectful.

Ugh. I know, he handed it to me on a silver platter, didn't he? Stop being so good to him. I think a good portion of that, though, is guilt driven so that he doesn't have to feel like a jerk. Not that it would change his behavior, just that he wouldn't feel bad about it.
I don't know. He doesn't seem to 'fit' like the other WASs.

I know I am beating a dead horse, but *why* are we not all the way together??? We enjoy eachother's company, we have a great time together, we love one another, have an active sex life, we still kiss eachother like we did 13.5 years ago. When we used to make things together, we did a great job. (Christmas presents, projects around the house.) We enjoy most of the same things. We are both complimentary of the other. We are "best friends". WTH?????????

Good God that was long. Sorry.

No apologies needed! I still want the details you're leaving out.

So before I reply too much, I wanted to know - what's YOUR take of how last night went? Did it feel positive, negative, different than your previous interactions?

But I MUST reply to this right now:



GO TRIXI!!!!

THIS is what I've been talking about. I loved this. LOVED it.

Seems to me that he told you 4 times that he loved you. I don't know what more you want.

OK I lied ... responding just to a couple of things before I hear your overall take.



That's what made me think it might work for you - the no good at lying thing. I didn't hear the idea while I was separated but I might've tried it if I had.

In terms of if you reconcile - presumably by the time he'd want to meet Julie you'd be in a pretty good spot in the R. I think it could be done in a way that would be both hilarious and good for the M. You'd have to make sure you were still doing things with "Julie" from time to time (so she doesn't just disappear when you reconcile).

Then:

H: Hey when do I get to finally meet Julie?
You: [with a sly little grin..] Funny you should mention that, she wanted to meet you too and I invited her to join us for [lunch/dinner/whatever's coming up].
You: Actually that reminds me I need to...[get ready, clean, make the bed, or something else plausible to excuse yourself]

Go put on some new sexy lingerie that H has never seen and wouldn't expect you to wear. Then bring "Julie" out to meet H. I bet he'd be glad to hang out with her.

Heck if you wanted to be even bolder you could even suggest a 'threesome' with her.. .. but that would even get the point across that you weren't "lying" to him, you really were doing stuff with Julie!

I think it would be funnier spontaneously personally, but you could plan it ahead, too. Julie's coming over on Sunday to meet your H and join you guys for dessert or something.. have a nice dinner together, set the table for the three of you, and when you bring Julie out to meet H set her right down in the chair.

I don't think you'd have to worry too much about what to "say" at that point.



I can't speak for everyone else obviously but I don't feel AT ALL that it was the opposite of the advice I've been giving you. If you do, I think I need to clarify or explain better.

I see things you could've done differently, of course (hindsight right?) but I think for the most part, it was great.

OK I used way too many smilies in that post... sorry!

Just stopping in for a second; I bought a HUGE bouquet of flowers at the farmers market and now realize I don't have a vase to put them in; so gotta pop back out to find one. Oh, and when I was looking at the flowers a guy tried to pick me up. If he would have been younger....j/k.

Anyway, I thought I would respond to this really quick-


And the answer is- I want him to commit and for us to live under the same roof and for me to get to stop wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. That's all I want. Actually, there is more to that thought than this which I'll say later.

Oh, and Nik, I LOVE LOVE LOVE how you would introduce "Julie". Those are great ideas. Love it! Still not sure if I am going to do that, but I can totally dig how to "explain" the mysterious friend.

ok, my flowers are probably dying of thirst, I better get that vase.

Would you believe I couldn't find a good vase? Turned out okay because I went to the kitchen aisle and found a nice big, tall pasta container; it was only $8.50. I put some rocks in the bottom, filled it with water and now it is holding my huge bouquet of sunflowers, gladiolas, baby's breath and greenery. It had lilies, too, but they were WAY to pungent. Had to put them in the guest bathroom.

Anywho-
you asked

I think it was positive (compared to what's been going on since May); I don't know that it moved anything forward.

I guess I thought it was the opposite of the advice given because I didn't decline his last minute invite. AND, we had yet another R talk.

I'm with you on the lilies. I can't have them in my house.