Wow. Can't believe I didn't post on my own thread today.
Had a good night with h. last night -- we went out to see the new Terminator movie and had dinner. h. seemed kind of quiet at dinner but it turns out he had a bad headache. Note to self -- h definitely withdraws when he's not feeling well. (me? I'm moaning and groaning and in your face!) Came home, relaxed, watched tv. Some great ILYs and hugs from him.
I'm procrastinating on attacking my list WHY????? Partly I think I'm overwhelmed by it. It's silly...I think I'm afraid that I'll miss something fundamental, key, critical! But, I can keep adding -- needs change and grow, right? arrgh. I'm frustrated with myself!
Even more so because I KNOW so many of the things that work for us --
me dropping expecatations (of his reactions) Just letting him BE -- in his quiet, his thoughts, his ideas Not asking for explanations -- letting him provide Managing myself and my own reactions Treating him, talking with him like a friend Keeping my own PMA up -- exercise, diet, etc Dropping the rope and letting him plan, him initiate Appreciating and thanking him for what he does Not directly asking for reassurance. Seeing it through action Going to movies, dinner, drinks. Hiking. Walking. Holding hands. Hugging. Rituals -- champagne Laughing together Watching baseball. watching movies at home. Listening to him. Letting him talk. Knowing that he's on my side. Being direct Not interpreting his moods Not ASSuming. Taking his words at face value.
More to come... Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
My horoscope for today: What's next? There's only one way to find out. Take the step you are being invited to take. Follow the road that you now seem to be travelling down. Stop worrying about what you don't know. Sometimes, it isn't essential to have the answer to everything before you do anything. Sometimes indeed, you just can't learn what you need to learn unless you accept that there is something you really don't know. You DO know something. You know that there is something you need to find out! So trust this and take appropriate action. Be open-minded and you will soon end up open-hearted too.
Had another good night with h. I got home from work and he was excited to see me. We went out for drinks and food. We had a really good talk about movies and books and the kittens and....2 pretty interesting things came up....
1. h's mom called a few weeks ago and h told me that she sounded down. I had suggested that he go see her (she's local) or that we make a plan. he hasn't exactly jumped at the idea. Last night I asked about her. I said "have you noticed that your mom goes through down cycles?" and he said "yes". I asked if he had talked with her and he said No...that he was kind of waiting for her to get out of the down cycle. NOW, don't get the wrong idea. h. wasn't being jerky AT ALL. I just thought it was VERY interesting that he didn't want to interact with her in her current state. I didn't ask why (trust me...a little at a time is my best bet here) but it kind of resonates with how he might view interacting with ME when I'm down?
2. During our talk about movies, h. told me that his favorite movies are about flawed characters who try to change (y'all may remember his stance on "people can't change"). He likes the underdog; the person who gets beaten back by circumstances (I guess that's when he's feeling tragic!). Anyway, there's so much depth and sensitivity and vulnerability to my h....why can't I remember that when I'm hurting? That he's hurting too?
Good things: H was psyched to see me H suggested "a plan" H and I had a great conversation H is "surprising me" by picking up food for tonight (I have a C appt. ) H has guard this weekend so we're going to put together a list of stuff he needs me to do -- this is a nice partnership feeling!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Maybe that utter geekiness will help me focus my efforts.
Quoting sage: Failure to appreciate h.
* I would get angry when he didn't do what I thought he should do -- when he didn't meet the picture in my head I'm doing a good job on many things here -- I've dropped my anger around his job stuff, his family, the house, etc. Even when I wish that something were being done differently, I don't get angry about it even in my own head. Where I'm NOT doing well is in times of high stress/high anxiety when the "action" relates to ME. In other words, when I'm looking for something from h.: reassurance, a particular response, etc, I still struggle.
* I put the m. and h. behind other things (family, work, volunteer job) So the 180 is putting my M. first. I'm doing well at this, I think.
* I didn't notice and appreciate the things h was doing around the house/for our r. The 180 is to notice and thank h for the things he's doing around the house. I've actually done really well at this I think. H has also done great! He's doing even MORE AND he's thanking me for the things that I do.
* I ASSumed that he was unable to be responsible/make decisions/be in control because his way didn't always equal my way So, the 180 is to not ASSume anything negative about h's ability to be responsible, make decisions, etc. My success at this is akin to the first item on this list. I'm doing very well about tangible things (decisions on house, etc) but still struggle with interpersonal stuff. I DID put together that point/counter point list of ASSumptions so that's a good step, I suppose.
* I was always trying to "edit" h -- not accepting his statements, decisions, thoughts. Always had to put "my spin" (however slight) on it. I'd say that I'm closer to green than red here...the 180 is not editing h's statements and decisions. In other words, if I ask for his input, I am really, really conscious of NOT making changes to his input. I'm giving myself a blue because I'm not entirely successful at negotiating stuff that IS important to me...I fall back on my old habits.
* I acted as though having a family together (kids) wasn't important -- eventually, I think I even started acting as though we (he?) couldn't "hack" having kids. hmmm. Not sure how to score this one. I think adding a baby to this mix would be a disaster right now but that's more of a reality based assessment than a judgement on h. I also don't think that that assessment will necessarily be true FOREVER. I'd like to feel a lot more secure in the m.
* I used words and actions to make him feel like a bad husband, not grown up enough, not responsible enough, not anything enough 180 would be to notice and appreciate all of the great stuff he does, all the responsibilities he takes on, etc. I'm scoring this blue for the same reason as some others -- doing well on practical stuff, still struggling with letting go of the interpersonal.
* I didn't attempt to be interested in the things that interest him 180 would be to show an interest in the things that interest him. I'm giving myself a green score on this. 1 thing to note is that I'm honest about this effort -- I'm opening my mind to the things that interest him but I'm not developing some weird feigned stepford wife thingy about it.
* I acted as thought "his way" was almost right -- with this slight "my way edit" This is a redux of another above
* I failed to notice his romantic side, his vulnerable side The 180 would be to notice and appreciate his vulnerable and romantic sides. Giving myself a blue rating. I'm not as sensitive as I could be to my h's vulnerability.
* I was a naysayer -- not being a cheerleader for his dreams and goals 180 would be to actively support him in his goals and dreams. Giving myself a blue rating. I'm doing well in some areas (job, school) but still struggling with some areas that clash with my insecurities (house). I'm also not great at communicating my support.
* I failed to respect his need for space, time away from me. Was always trying to get him to "open up" So 180 is to respect his need for space, respect his approach to openess. To NOT sulk or expect him to always be there, always be a certain way. Doing "blue" because while I'm doing OK when I feel GOOD, I'm struggling with this when I don't feel GOOD. I need an action plan for when I'm struggling and h is distant.
* I haven't taken seriously his desire to have a clean uncluttered house 180 is to declutter the house willingly and actively. In my heart, I'm green on this but my execution is POOR. I need to work harder at actually DOING this.
* I failed to respect his time -- while running errands, always added 2-3 stops he didn't expect 180 is to be clear about errands in advance, to negotiate his time, to do errands myself if his timeline conflicts with mine. Doing well on this I think.
* I created chaos and crisis a lot cause that's my comfort zone and failed to see how much a calm environment means to him 180 is to be calm. To not overreact to small things; to handle large things appropriately; to manage my own reactions; to self-soothe. I'm rating myself as RED because I'm still CREATING chaos when I'm stressed and anxious. I'm GREEN on lots of little things, though.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Maybe that utter geekiness will help me focus my efforts.
Quoting sage: Communication blockers
* I didn't fully listen when H talked --I'd watch tv, read, be on computer, etc 180 is to give h my full listening attention when he is talking (phone or in person). I am totally green on this one, baby!
* I did not manage my reactions well to h's disclosures about himself that scared me, threatened me. Instead of seeing that as "my crap" I think I put a lot of it back onto him, made him feel ashamed, fearful, as though he had to hide himself from me. 180 is to hear what h says and to not personalize it, overreact to it, etc, based on my own inability to deal with my stuff. 180 would be to validate his statements and (possibly) state mine if the time is right and it makes sense. Crap. I started out as blue but as I wrote, I changed it to red. When what h is talking about hits a sore spot for me, I stink at this. An area to improve!
* I haven't managed articulating my WANTS well -- I've been indirect, too cautious about telling him what I need. I should have been more direct and let his reaction just be his reaction. 180 is to appropriately state what I want in a direct manner and not personalizing his response. Giving myself a blue here...I'm seeing some progress.
* I interpret his moods, silences, etc. this builds a wall between us Simple 180. Stop interpreting. Even simpler -- I stink at this. MUST STOP DOING THIS.
* I often let things fester then blow up 180 is a combination of soothing myself and articulating my needs clearly when appropriate. Not doing well at this for "hot spots". I think a combination of other 180s will actually take care of this.
* I fail to stand up for myself respectfully and let him manage his response This is a redux
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Maybe that utter geekiness will help me focus my efforts.
Quoting sage: Actions related to my mistrust and fear
* I/ve never trusted h (well, MEN) and instead of dealing with that personal issue myself, I let him know it over and over again. So, 180 is to recognize the problem as my own, work at it, shed my ASSumptions about trust, not kneejerk to not trusting, etc. Giving myself blue 'cause isn't recognizing you have a problem the first step?
* I think I've shied away from letting h. really get close to me -- have built up walls of independence and resentment and anger and chilliness out of fear, drive to protect myself. 180 is to open my heart. To let him embrace me, to let him love me, care for me, tend to me, etc, without pushing him away. This is a toughie. You guys know that when things start going too well I end up freaking out....I am working at relaxing into h's love. I need to articulate this better!
* I made h feel like I thought he was a bad marriage risk 180 is to not ASSume and articulate that h is a bad m. risk. Well, this is a tough one but DB'ing and these boards and everything have opened my eyes to the notion that h is actually quite a good risk.
* I've made my insecurities seem like his problem 180 is to accept ownership for my insecurities. I'm doing that. * I create chaos when things are going well as a way to manage my anxiety This is a redux. Need definite action plan for next time I feel freaky.
My lame attempts to control
* I eventually tried to take control of all decisions -- I'd alternate between being angry as hell and resentful about it and craving it 180 is to drop the need for all control; to turn over many decisions (large and small) to h. I'm actually doing great on this one, I think.
* I overanalyze things and am in constant motion -- always doing something, fixing something, feeling as though something could be improved -- oftentimes the message was that he could be improved? So the 180 here is to calm down, stop "chewing things up and spitting them out", definitely stop making HIM feel as though he could be improved through my helpful "suggestions" etc. I believe that I have made good progress in this area in regards to HIM, I'm not so sure that I've struck a good balance as far as I'm concerned...I'm seeing a correlation between my times of anxiety and heavy duty phases of trying to fix myself.
* I acted too grown up, too responsible and acted as though I was the only adult in the r. 180 is to acknowledge h's contribution to the m, to acknowledge his "adultness". I have done this well.
* I never dropped the R. rope and let h. pick it up. Eventually I was the one planning everything, deciding everything, heck, saying everything! 180 is to drop the rope. Stop doing all the planning. Let him plan. Enjoy his plans! Let him decide! I have done well with this. * I set boundaries in the wrong places -- I tried to control his behavior instead of just stating clearly what my "bottom line" was and living with it This is kind of a redux of some others. Need to work on direct statement of my boundaries and not personlizing his reactions.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Maybe that utter geekiness will help me focus my efforts.
Quoting sage: I failed to keep my PMA
* Primarily post-A but I've failed to maintain my interests because I've been worried about not being home 180 is to do things outside the house that are important to me. I'm doing OK with this but I think I still have a ways to go...
* I've been angry and resentful if he didn't show an interest in my stuff 180 is to NOT be angry if he's not interested in my stuff. To not take it personally. Well, I've done really well shedding the anger and resentment. h, in turn, has done GREAT showing interest in what's up with me!!!
Overall stuff I'm not sure where to put
* my constant drive for "more" left h with the feeling that I would never be happy "with him" 180s are to appreciate h's contributions and thank him for all that he does. To calm down and stop trying to "fix" everything, "fix" him. I'm doing well with the noticing and thanking AS LONG as I'm not anxious or stressed. If I am, I drop the ball and start assuming bad stuff and stop noticing the little things.
* I would have tacit expectations and then get angry/upset if he didn't respond the way I wanted 180 is to drop expectations of responses. I have dropped the anger pretty successfully. Again, when I'm stressed and/or anxious, I still get upset if h. doesn't respond to me in a particular way.
* I get all anxious and then seek reassurances from him in an overbearing way. This needs its own post. * Failure to treat/talk to h as a friend. I do and say things to him that I just wouldn't to a friend. [\color] This is SO hard to "action" orient but it's just a simple feeling when I'm talking to h as a FRIEND. I drop assumptions, I drop expectations, I stop trying to read his mind. If I actually consciously say "he is my friend" it can make a world of difference.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
)
To not overreact to small things; to handle large things appropriately; to manage my own reactions; to self-soothe. I'm rating myself as RED because I'm still CREATING chaos when I'm stressed and anxious. I'm GREEN on lots of little things, though. 
