Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Where do I go from here? pt. 2

Hello, all.

Too much going on here to relate it all, but you know me---I'll try anyway! I have GOT to figure out a way to write short, frequent posts instead of novellas!

I think H is confused.

We met with a contractor here at the house on Aug. 14 to discuss home repairs to get house on market. H was very cordial, he was a little curious about party that had ocurred the weekend before when out of town guests were here. He asked, "So, how was the party?" I just said, "Oh, great! It was a lot of fun!"

After contractor left, I made a couple of light-hearted remarks about turning 40 and getting older. Then later I commented on how much fun the kids had playing with their visiting buddies, and some comment about how many people were here. I made sure the b-day cards and pics were out on the mantle, of course, and saw him looking at a couple, so showed him a Roseanna-RoseannaDanna card with a funny audio message.

H fixed water heater for me, tried to fix vent switch on stove, replaced bathroom light fixture. Very business like about it all, but it was nice of him, and I told him a few times (without going overboard)how appreciative I was. At one point he was up on a ladder while I was holding it steady, and I said to H, "Hmmm...this is an interesting view." Then I thought, what the hell? Why not? He is still my H! So I grabbed his ass and gave a little squeeze. He just chuckled.

While he was up in the attic, he left his cell phone in the kitchen. This doesn't happen very often, as his cell phone is the umbilical cord that connects him to the OW. So, of course, being the will-powerless girl that I am, I peeked. Pretty funny stuff, actually. Well, more like pathetic.

H's texts were very brief, (though there were yucky ILY's and such, ugh), but OW's were full of all kinds of long admonitions about "sticking to the topic at hand", and not letting me draw him into conversations about other stuff, and "no conversations about money." She also told him that she was sure I hadn't mentioned the business evaluation of his medical practice because I was disappointed it wasn't worth more. WTF? I hadn't even seen it yet!

Also lots of convo about her cold and how yucky she was feeling, etc. I love that, cause as an MD, he got tired of it quickly if I was sick. He took good care of me when I was sick, and was usually very sweet about it, but he did get tired of being with sick people all day and then coming home to take care of more sick people. Ya know? And she seems to be sick a lot. Heehee. Only 22, and she has migraines, an ulcer, and gets lots of colds. Heehee.

But the killer comment was in regards to my email request of a day or two earlier, where I said to him that the high summer electric bills and the need for new tires for my car had put a dent in my budget, and asked could he please help out with some money toward school supplies and school clothes. Her text said, "And remember.....if your resolve weakens, the answer to money for school supplies is NO."

Can you freaking believe that? A 22 yr. old ho' telling a 40 year old father of three that he is not allowed to give any extra money toward school supplies? Ugh, ugh, ugh. That's just sad and pathetic and......yucky.

I did ask nicely about the school supplies a little later, but he gave me a sob story of hard times at his practice and no money. It was kind of funny, because he started to tell me the story, but then evidently remembered he had been instructed not to talk about it. I asked a polite question, and he ended up telling me anyway. lol. I was politely concerned about his medical practice, and didn't push the money issue further.

When he left he said goodbye to the kids and told them he would pick them up the next day for their weekend visit. All in all, I think it was a positive day. He wasn't smiley or friendly, but we talked normally and he did do some very kind things. Of course, I have no expectations, because I know he wants to get the house on the market. But still......

It was very interesting to read those text messages and know that he is lying to the OW about his interactions with me and the kids here at the house. It was obvious from some of her comments that he tells her it's always miserable when he's here, I'm always bitchy, we always fight, etc., etc.

I know it doesn't help to speculate, but why? Why does he lie to her? Just to pacify her and not fight with her about being over here? I'm sure that's it.....but why in the hell can't he see that if he has to lie to her about this kind of stuff, he ain't the happy guy he pretends to be, and there's no way in hell they'll end up happy together!!

<sigh>

Why do I still care? Why do I ask why?

Detach, detach, detach. Be thankful for the good stuff, ignore everything else.

Wow....it's hard.

More later.

So, H came to pick up the kids on Friday (Aug. 15) evening, and I was dressed up to go out to dinner with a friend. I always try to look good when he comes, even if I'm just wearing work-out clothes. I try to make sure they are the CUTE workout clothes. LOL! But this time I know I looked good. Had on a cute halter top which is something I never would have worn previously. I'm sure he noticed, but didn't say anything.

When I went out to help take their stuff to the car, D14 asked if I was going to tell Daddy about the car. H asked what she meant, and I explained that the side mirror motor kept whirring. Said I thought it was a bad fuse. Without me asking, H opened my car door to look at it, but needed the keys. D14 went to get them, and H tried to find the correct fuse but couldn't. I thanked him for trying, and then started saying goodbye to the kids.

S9, bless his little heart, said (completely on his own---no prompting), "Hey, Mommy. You look nice. Why are you so dressed up? Are you going somewhere?" I said yes, so he asked where, and I said, "Oh, just going out with a friend." Then I changed the subject and said my goodbyes.

I did go out to dinner with a friend, and at about 9:30 I sent H a text message asking if the kids could call me to say goodnight. He sent back, "Call home or cell phone?" I said "cell." The kids called and I talked to them all briefly.

The next night at about 9:45 I sent the same message. He asked again, "home phone or cell phone?" I said "cell," and he sent back, "Party girl." LOL! I was going to send back a short "lol" or something, but the phone rang immediately, so I talked to the kids. Hmmm....I thought that was pretty funny.

On Sunday afternoon a friend came and picked me up to go work out at the gym. When she dropped me off at 5:30, H's car was in the driveway, and they were all in the house. I was NOT happy. They are not supposed to be home until 6pm, and I have asked him several times not to go into the house if I'm not home. (Besides which I was sweaty and gross! Ugh! That just serves to make me feel insecure in my interactions with him.) I had even set the alarm, which he had made D14 disarm.

When I walked in, he heard me and came out of the study. That makes me upset and nervous, because of course my computer and all my D paperwork and files are in there. He went into the kitchen and started fiddling with new knobs he had bought for the stove. I tried to stay calm and said, "Why are you here so early? I have asked you before not to come into the house if I am not at home." He just snorted, and I said, "This is not how this works. You know I usually don't mind if you bring them a little early, but you need to call first."

Ugh. I don't want to seem bitchy, but I have tried to set this boundary over and over again, and he keeps ignoring it.

H didn't respond to what I said. Then the kids came down to say hello to me. I saw that H had taken D14 to replace her cell phone. We had an insurance policy on it, but there was still a $50 deductible which I couldn't afford. I thanked him. He told D14 he was sorry they hadn't had a chance to go to the mall, and he would take her the next time. He said something to me about the new knobs being the wrong size, then said goodbye to the kids and left. The kids told me later their weekend with H went pretty well.

I guess it makes H cranky that I am not sitting around pining for him? That he thinks I'm getting a life? Is he checking up on me?

I think it's kinda sad---here I am getting to have the carefree life (well, only 3 or 4 nights a month, but still!) that he wanted, but he's practically already married again. OW is still the easier option because she doesn't have kids, but they have settled into a pretty routine, fairly hum-drum existence. Oh, they have a lot more freedom to be spontaneous and do things like go on bike rides and work out together, but I wonder if he's finally seeing it's not the happy fantasy he signed up for. Especially since she is obviously a control freak, and he is obviously lying to her.

I know I shouldn't focus on his life with OW, but it's hard not to. And, let's be honest. This is a competition, in a way. I am doing my best to show him that I am the better option. That the life with his wife and family that he left behind is pretty wonderful. That I AM the greener grass.

Why can't I "get" the no expectations thing? Ugh.

Hurricane Ike is headed right for us (I live about an hour inland, though), and the kids are supposed to be with H this weekend. H refuses to take them because his apartment "isn't safe." Hah! Honestly, it's probably safer than my house.

H wanted me to leave town and drive three hours to my parents house yesterday. I couldn't, because 1. The emergency management plan recommended that people in my area stay put, and 2. I had a horrible stomach bug with nausea and vomiting, and there's no way I could have made that drive. (H was kind enough to call in a prescription for anti-nausea medicine, but it makes me very drowsy, so still could not have made the drive.)

S9 is TERRIFIED of thunderstorms, so the hurricane is sure to have him in a panic. We live in an area with HUGE trees, and the house has lots of open areas and glass. I'm not really worried about flooding, but I am very worried about wind damage. So I asked H to consider staying at the house. He refused, of course.

No surprise, really, so why does it still upset me that he's putting the demands of a 22 yr. old whore above his children's safety?

<sigh> Sometimes I hate him. So why do I still love him? <bigger sigh>