Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis A Rough Year Continues.... 4

hope....
probably the best thing you can do is demand respect. settle for nothing less. Say "i'll not let you treat me this way. I am a human being and i deserve respect" and walk away. It might provoke a fight, it might not. You have every right to demand respect from your H. Remember too that this is a roller coaster, so perhaps you can just go with the flow...

and if you get a second....please check out my developments...i'm confused about my W...LOL..big surprise there...

Hope,

Are you asking if my W took advantage of the fact that a sep/D was lurking over us to have free reign to do whatever she wanted?

TD,
Yes, within reason. Not "whatever" she wanted, but to do or act in ways that she knew you would not like.

Mostly household/room mate type stuff. Drinking out of the milk carton for example. Leaving his dirty clothes EVERYWHERE. Stuff that I don't want to bring up because I don't want a fight.

Like I'm now picking my battles, but I do feel resentful about some of the things.

Hope,

My W do things like that but I never viewed it as her doing it to try to push my buttons. I seriously doubt she ever gave it that much thought.

I think a better way to look at it is, they do or don't do these things because before hand they made an "effort" out of respect towards you, now they simpy are not making the effort. I don't think it is as "intended" as you make it out to be.

I think it comes down to how much they respect you. Respect is something you earn or can try to demand. In order to demand you have to have a position in which to do so. Right now your leverage is relatively low. So I would pick and chose your demands for when it is really necessary. It is a little bit of a balancing act, you don't want to throw out all of these demands and take away rom the positive steps he has made. Really, if your H came to you and said "Hope, I want us to work out our M, but I just can't see myself picking up my clothes ever again".....what would you say.

In my sitch I saved my "demands" for when I felt like I was truly being walked upon and I pretty much reserved them for personal attacks......not the passive agressive stuff you mention.

For ex, I might say something, my W might take it the wrong way and just go off on me...completely out of line. I would then stop her and say "You don't need to talk to me like that, what I said wasn't intended that way and certainly didn't warrant the reaction you are giving it"....she might go off again and I would say "I am still your H, and I deserve to be spoken to better than that"....she might say "Well not for long" and all I would say is "That may be your choice". and it usually ended there.

If she didn't make the bed....I really didn't care.

As far as the day to day domestic stuff goes, how you apporach it can make all the difference.

If you are the one doing the laundry and your H leaves his clothes all around. You could say "Honey can you pick up your clothes" which may come off as controlling (I know silly)

Another apporach might be to say "Honey, if you want to pick up your clothes, I will wash them tonight"......reminding him there is a reward for good behavior.

I don't suggest you become a doormat, but don't be afraid of your H, put things in perspective, and if a simple request leads to a D talk, then simply say "I just asked you to pick up your clothes, it is not that big of a deal"

Thanks, I knew that you would have a positive and realistic way for me to look at things.

It's not button pushing, more like testing me. Most are behaviors from his old bachelor days, things that he hasn't done in a very long time.

I think you are right about the effort and the respect not being there. I think I could sense that, and that was what was hurting.

I don't want to come off as controlling, I knew that he would think that.

Are you sure you aren't a C or shrink? You have such a dead-on ability to get to the heart of the matter and figure out what to say.

Thank you, thank you!

Have a great weekend. Is it this weekend where you have the golf outing?

No, that is next weekend.

H was supposed to go with his buddy fishing this weekend. I was looking forward to it because this buddy also has a W that went thru breast cancer.

Anyway, the weather forecast for the Great Lakes is bad this weekend, so they cancelled.

I spoke with my H at lunch time and he said maybe we can play 9 as practice together this weekend. That will be good.

Otherwise, I am kind of nervous. I know that I will have to work at DB'ing all weekend long, and I was kind of looking forward to having Sat and part of Sunday to myself

Oh well, I know I can do it. I have lots to do.

Wish me luck.

Do you have special plans for the weekend? Are your applicances all in?

Make the most of the weekend.

MY weekend is probably going to be a little hectic. A concert tonight, garage sale tomorrow, probably work on the storage unit on Sunday.

I managed to get the last of the appliances in on Wednesday....they look good. The cabinet depth refridgerator is nice. It is amazing how much bigger the kitchen looks. Also it will be nice to have the other refridgerator in the garage for the non-perishable drinks

What concert are you going to?

Sorry about the garage sale... I hate them with a passion. I saved stuff for a few years with the intention of having one, but have since decided for the $$ I make and the work that goes into it, I take the stuff to Goodwill and get a tax deduction.

Is this a new house that you bought together? You must be having fun getting settled. It would be like starting all over new, with the family that you love.

What are non-perishable drinks? Is that the same as "adult beverages?"

My oldest son and fiancee are writing an offer (FSBO) tonight, and they have asked me to go along with them. I'm looking forward to it. We will go out for a birthday drink after.

We are going to see Kid Rock and Lynyrd Skynyrd....kind of a last minute thing....actually caused a little tiff (check out my thread).....should be a fun show none-the less

We have done quite a bit of donating to goodwill as well....whatever doesn't sell, we donate (just less stuff I have to haul there) and we usually get close to the limit before we need to provide all the itemized information.......

This is actually her home she bought after we sold our home. It is quite the downsize (from 3600 sqft to 2100) but there is a lot less pressure there.

Yeah adult beverages and water and coke, etc

Sounds like a fun evening for you