I think the biggest thing you can do right now is back off. From a woman's point of view, she will wonder why all of a sudden you aren't calling, what is up? Continue doing all the things you are doing. Remember, this is not an overnight process. I have been at it for almost a year. It is a rollercoaster. Just keep it in mind.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
i realize some people get back together right away, some it takes a year or more, some never get back together. my W is polite to me, but we don't spend any time together and I don't call her; I assume she's with other man. Now I know a rule of thumb is to make yourself the more attractive party, but when your W says its over, too late, she loves OM, what's a guy to do ? for the first month I begged for her to come back, since then I have let her go, not texting or anything. well, to be civil for the sake of our son, I will say good morning and such, but that's all. I don't know how to give the impression that she can't have her cake and eat it too (in regards to me and OM) yet at the same time be nice so our son's parents get along.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
I saw your post on my thread and read over your sitch. It does sound like we have a bit in common. I'm sorry to say!
The first thing I thought of is the saying: Believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do.
You have probably read it many times but I find that no matter how often I see it, it always helps me refocus. Even now as I say it to you I am realizing that is what I need to do right now! It's so hard though and I totally get that.
I myself am a 22 year old female and cannot imagine having a child at this age. That must be a lot of stress, especially if it was not a planned pregnancy (which I am assuming it was not, correct me if I am wrong.) You said she is a good mother and that is good to hear. I have a lot of friends my age with babies and some of them scare me to death! I just womder how much having a baby so young is adding to this. I get in these funks where I just want to run away from all of my responsibilities (bills, working, family obligations, etc) and I am a level headed person who does not really do the "get crazy and party down" thing. So I wonder if having the huge responsibility of a small child weighs into this predicament. Just a thought.
I did want to know if your wife knows about the changes to your job schedual? Have you mentioned it to her? I sometimes felt like I was being abandoned by my husband when he would go out with his friends even if I wanted him home (like during a thunder storm or something) Granted your reason of being at work is much more practical but sometimes us women don't see it that way. We think "I want him home and he won't come here and be with me" no matter why he won't/can't. I just wonder if a life with you would be more appealing if she knew that your schedual was changing and you could be there with her/for her more often than in the past. Again. . .just a thought.
I think you will get a lot of great advice here on this board. My two cents would be GAL (like everyone has already said) I personally am struggling with that too. It's so hard to save a space for them in your life (praying they come home someday) and yet not let the focus of your life be saving that space. Does that make any sense? I get too wrapped up in making plans for my future and trying to structure my life around "well when/if we get back together then this would be best. . ." I need to learn to just go out and do my own thing and stop thinking about my husband 24/7. I think that like others have said, you need to shift that focus to building a strong foundation with your son and enforcing that bond so that (heaven forbid) you and your wife do divorce you still have a connection with him that will endure the hard times ahead.
Sorry for the long post. I hope that parts of it can help you and you try to sort through all the madness!
thank you for the very sweet post. I informed my wife yesterday about my upcoming schedule change, and all she had to say was that it was great I can start leading a normal life, but she already filed for primary custody of our son and that she didn't have money to pay the lawyer to draw up new ones. which is ok because I get to see my son every day anyway, and I could care less about how much I have to pay her for support. I love her and my son more than anything; can't put a price on that. my wife has her head so far up OM's @$$ that she just wants me to move on, find someone else, etc. I'm not about to sign divorce papers, essentially saying "i give up. some other guy can marry my wife" I didn't marry her for nothing. eventually when my schedule changes, we will draw up papers of joint custody and i will have to pay her less. until then, I have to talk to my pastor and my DB coach Chuck for some guidance. my wife is young, yes, and the pregnancy was NOT planned, you are correct. however we were already in love for a long time, just never got it together. she was happy with me; of course when her ex boyfriend (who she lost her virginity to) showed up again for a second chance, she bailed on me.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
yeah, we had problems. I was always sleeping from work tiring me out. she got home at 445pm; i was ready for a nap again at 8pm, had to be at work by 1145pm. so, OM + me not being able to sleep in bed with her at night, + me sleeping all the time, + me smoking a lot of weed ==== I was emotionally and physically unavailable. but I've been sober for months, sleeping less, exercising more, schedule is going to change to 15 days off a month (instead of 3). to her its "too late" classic WAW statements. she loves OM she says, her family is all on my side, but she doesn't care. she wants to be free again and have who she wants. she had the nerve to say "I thought after I got married and had a baby no one would want me, but he (OM) came back". grrrrrr.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
its hard for me because everyone i know says to give a divorce and get out of her life. i've never had trouble finding a girl, but i don't want any of them. i told my mom years and years ago "i'm gonna marry that girl" now i let her slip away. i have to do whatever it takes, til i'm out of gas
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
I don't have a lot of time but I just wanted to say that you should not listen to your family and friends when they say "just get a divorce" you need to make that choice on your own and you do not sound anywhere near ready to go that route. So keep pushing forward and trying as hard as you can. It's not that your friends don't care it's just that they see you in pain and don't understand that a divorce could mess you up even more. So thank them for their imput but don't give up on your marriage until YOU are ready!
Keep reading DR. I've read it like three times and each time I find something new.
